Tricky situation with child

BitterAndTwisted

red_devil wrote: »

Taking advantage.

Complete and utter rubbish! The daughter has no clue just how tight her parents' finances are. Once she does know and carries on regardless, that accusation will be correct. Until then, case not proven

Loz01

The 400 odd quid she spent on a PS obv shows she has got money to spend, alright for some! Her disposable income is probably more than yours OP. Of course she should be paying for her toiletries and food and petrol! Why should you struggle when she obv has the money. As got the heating, tell her it's not to be on all night and she should invest in some nice fluffy pyjamas if she's that cold

onlyroz

I don't think you actually need to charge her - just be more disciplined. So don't let her pile expensive food in the trolley. If she wants something that you wouldn't normally buy then she should buy it herself. Stop being a free taxi service - if you're making extra trips then she gives you money for fuel. And definitely stop buying her toiletries.

claire16c

I don't think charging her actual rent is fair, I don't know anyone whose parents made them do that, but I do think the majority of people have said, you can stop paying out for all the extras.

She can get a job in the summer & use that to pay for trips to see friends, and buy her toiletries etc which surely she would bring stuff home with her from Uni I'm not exactly sure what would be costing much in terms of that.

I don't think it needs to become a huge issue.

She doesn't need to come round the supermarket with you. Ask her to unplug stuff when it's not being used.

onlyroz

Adrenalina wrote: »

Oh, and having 15 weeks of no timetabled study and choosing NOT to work?? That just doesn't make sense...

Agreed - she should at least be doing some voluntary work to get something to add to her CV.

rpc

Loz01 wrote: »

The 400 odd quid she spent on a PS obv shows she has got money to spend, alright for some! Her disposable income is probably more than yours OP.

While I don't disagree with most of the points made, bear in mind that she is being financed by debt. It is hard to call that "disposable income."

The money she spends will need to be repaid one day.

itsanne

sweaty_betty wrote: »

(However I also had friends whose parents had told them that they would support them through university on the condition that they paid for them (parents) to go on two holidays a year, I presume indefinitely - I think I was more shocked by this than my parents bringing up the idea of paying "board". I guess we're all different...)

:eek: :eek: :eek:

SingleSue

Lily-Rose wrote: »

Hello. Long time lurker, newly joined.

Basically, we have a 19 year old daughter who started uni in September, and TBH, we are quite an economically poor family. We used to be better off, but circumstances changed all that.

My husband earns £11,000 a year in a factory, and I am disabled and on DLA and ESA. (I have been on disability for 6 years since age 45.) So after rent and council tax and bills etc, we are just about OK, but not 'rolling in it.'

Because of our low income, our daughter got a scholarship for getting good A level results, and because we are poor. And she also got a grant to pay a third of the year's rent for her. But she still got the full student living loan. So she actually had more money at uni than some of her pals from wealthier families. So much so, that she was able to buy a PS4 out of her uni grant. (£350.) And still have enough left to live on.

Upshot is, that we can only just make ends meet, and when she comes home in the summer, I would like her to contribute to the family income. She came home for a week in early November and we spent an extra £25-£30 on the food shopping that week, as she has fancy veggie stuff and lots of fruit and things like that, and she really piled the stuff in the trolley. And even though she spends about £15 a week on shopping at uni, and buys the cheapest of everything; she piles all the expensive stuff in when she is at home. We used about an extra fiver more than usual in that week on the electric meter too.

Well, we let that go, as it was only a week.

Now she has now broken up for Christmas, and has been here for 3 days, and she's already piling expensive stuff in the trolley, and has her kindle, phone, ipod, and laptop on charge half of her waking hours, and the heating on continuous, leaving the thermostat on 21/22 at night - as she doesn't go to bed til 2am! I have been getting up at about 4am and turning it down to 16 as I am stifling! Our electric cost from early November to last Wednesday was about £1.20 a day. Now it's gone up to £1.70 a day.

In addition to this, we moved house in August, from the town we lived in to a little town 20 miles away. This was 4 or 5 weeks before she went to uni, and she kept wanting to go back to our old town to see friends. But we have no train station, and the buses are few and far between, and they stop going from our old town to where we are at 5.30pm. A taxi would cost £20.

I reckon we spent £20-30 a week EXTRA on petrol during those last 4 or 5 weeks, running her back and forth to our old town. 80 miles a time: there and back to take her, there and back to fetch her back: not to mention the 2 hours wasted on the total travelling time. She reminded us several times though, that she 'wasn't the one who chose to move out here.'

Well, I am prepared to let this 23 day Christmas holiday slide, but in June she comes home for about 15 weeks, and I think she should be contributing a bit financially. But when her dad mentioned this before she went to uni, she said 'you're kidding aren't you? Nobody I know has their parents charging them in the holidays when they are still at uni.' He said nothing else after that.

Thing is, it's not that we're mean, or that we want to take money off her; it's just that she adds about £25 to the weekly food bill, about £5.00 a week to the electric, she wants extra toiletries, and she wants running around but never offers us petrol. Like I said: in the last 4 or 5 weeks she was here before she went to uni, I reckon we spent an extra £100 in petrol!

I know she didn't choose to move 20 miles from the town she grew up in, but she can't keep using that same card LOL.

She is a good girl, and a great student, she did well in her A levels, but she has many middle class and 'rich' friends as she put it, and none of THEIR parents charge their kids anything. In fact her friend 'Charlie' had a CAR bought for him for his 18th birthday, and several of her pals she made in college have big houses, and 'rich' parents, who throw money at them when they squander their student finance in the first few weeks of term!

We have a rented house, and her dad works in a factory, and I am on disability benefit. We did have tax credits and child benefit before, but it stopped when she went to uni, so our finances are stretched.

We are not expecting a lot, or asking for a lot: just a token amount during the 15 weeks she is off: especially if she keeps wanting expensive food, and lifts.

We used to be better off financially, and up to when she was about 14, she had everything she wanted, never went without, we had holidays abroad, and she always went on the school trips etc; then due to my husband losing his job and him having to take a much lesser paid one, and me becoming disabled and unable to work (both within a short space of time) and the general high cost of living; we have had to pull the belt in.

Moving house took every spare bit of savings we had, we spent £300 on her 18th birthday in November last year, we had to find £400 for her for uni for her deposit and room bond, our car which is 13 years old has needed £400 spending on it this year, we had to carpet and decorate our new home, and now we are flat broke and are struggling to save again.

So how can we resolve this? How can we ask her to contribute during the long holiday next summer when it is seemingly not the 'done thing' for people still doing their degree to contribute?

Please don't judge me or think we are mean or harsh. We have given her so much in the past (and we don't mind at all as we love her and we have enjoyed giving to her and buying for her,) but from now on, we are going to be struggling, and with no income at ALL from her, but her potentially costing £35-£40 a week extra when she is here, it would be helpful if she would help. (At least for the long 15 week summer break.) But how can we broach the subject? She knows we aren't well-off, and it makes me a bit cross that she never offers anything. And how much should we ask for?

We have no parents (all dead,) and are totally self-sufficient with no help from family. I wouldn't ask anyway.

Please advise someone. To be fair, she doesn't ask for much or expect much, and wasn't any more SPOILT as a child than any of her friends, but it seems she expects to not pay her way in the slightest whilst at home on holiday from uni.

Same sort of situation money wise here and a 20 year old (just) home from uni.

For transport, if he wants to go anywhere miles away, he pays for it.
For food, if he wants anything special or expensive, he pays for it. Obviously, I pay for his normal food.
Heating - I had to turn it OFF last night because of the difference an extra body made. Mind you, his halls room is pretty much the same as here so he has not been spoilt with higher temps whilst he has been away.

My food bill will increase, I expect that as it is an extra mouth to feed but whilst he is home, he will be picking up some part time work from his summer job employer and will (as he has done before), put the odd fivers worth of fuel in the car for the little extra trips round town.

To be honest, I would put my foot down, if she puts expensive extra things in the trolley, take them out, like you would with a toddler and if she wants to visit her old town, tell her you are not able to but you can drop her off at the nearest train/bus station for her to make her own way there and back.

Ultimately, I think you need to sit her down and explain how tight money is and how you just cannot afford the extra luxuries she is obviously expecting.

Loz01

rpc wrote: »

While I don't disagree with most of the points made, bear in mind that she is being financed by debt. It is hard to call that "disposable income."

The money she spends will need to be repaid one day.

Very true, I just meant once she's paid her uni halls and paid for books etc it is the money left over, she obviously feels confident enough in her financial situ to afford a new PS. Not being harsh OP but she probably thinks you're never in a million years going to ask her for any money! She needs a bit of a wake up I think, it's very well her friends getting things for free but you're not in the same boat as her parents friends.

It was the same when I was at uni, my friends dad paid for her travel and gave her 20 quid a day for "spends" and she still moaned it wasn't enough! Meanwhile I took packed lunch to save money.

Jobseeeker

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

Complete and utter rubbish! The daughter has no clue just how tight her parents' finances are. Once she does know and carries on regardless, that accusation will be correct. Until then, case not proven

It will be nowhere near as tight as it is for a student. £11k and a variety of benefits is a lot more than a student gets. Fair enough she was in halls in 1st year and that is cheap but now rent and bills in a flat is very expensive. Everyone here is saying she should get a job, I was assuming she had one but the OP hasn't stated either way. I think a lot of people on this board didn't go to Uni and won't understand how hard it is. I remember a girl being hospitalised for malnutrition because she had no food/money. She'd come out of care so she also got full loan, doesn't mean you're rich.