Tricky situation with child

January20

Lily-Rose wrote: »

I don't think it's as much this, as she does love and care about us, I know she does, and she does make/buy nice gifts for us and treats us well in general, BUT I think it is literally that she is a bit thoughtless occasionally, and she 'doesn't think;' not an excuse: but more an explanation. She is ALSO going on the experience of her pals - who are richer than us, and whose parents do not charge them., So THIS isn't helping our case!

When I read threads like yours, often replies from other posters seem to say that, as soon as a person turns 18, they are an adult and therefore are expected to know everything about what being a responsible adult is! The reality is that yes your dd is an adult but she is still young and still needs to learn certain things. Who better to teach her than you?

In my humble opinion, you will have to be extremely clear and honest with her and give her the figures the way you gave them in your first post. You will have to state your expectations of her so there is no misunderstanding. You will have to swallow your pride and tell her how little money you have.

Learn to say "no" and learn to say to her that you don't care what other parents do, this is what you do, not because you are mean or you don't love her, but because you have to!

Get her to buy her own food and her own toiletries. Get her to contribute to the electricity. Be firm. Don't ever allow her to get away with not paying her way this summer.

She is an adult, so do not allow her to come home and revert to being a child, but also be very careful to not treat her like a child when she comes home! No mixed messages!

Mojisola

FBaby wrote: »

I do find it quite sad to have to resort to expect your children to pay when they are back from uni. All you risk is her not coming back at all, especially if she can't see her friends. How would you feel then?

If it's a choice of being anxious about money the whole time she's at home and going without myself or getting into debt in order to pay for her fancy food and toiletries, I think it would be a relief.

I don't think anyone is suggesting that the OP should charge "rent" - just that her daughter should live within her parents' means or pay herself for the extras she wants.

If she stayed at uni, she'd have to buy food, pay electricity, bus fares, etc. If she was so put out by her parents' request to pay into the household finances that she stayed away, she'd be spending a lot more every week!

pollypenny

I think you have to sit down with her and tell her the harsh truth about your finances, OP. If she has any decency she'll see the error of her ways.

Although she has had a scholarship etcetera, she seems to be very extravagant with her money.

If she really does spend just £15 on food while in uni, she is taking advantage to spend lavishly while at home.

As regards work, don't all students find work in the holidays? Mine did.

lushlifesaver

I would be telling her to get out and get a job - during term time too; regardless of how well off she may be living on her grants etc!


When I was at uni I didn't go home much but when I did I gave my parents £20 per week towards bills, funded my own transport and put in to the grocery budget (as well as paying for the stuff I wanted for myself!) To be fair I actually instigated the conversation with my parents about how much they thought would be a fair contribution as I knew they didn't want to ask for anything but considering I was learning how to budget for one when living 'out' I thought it only right to continue that at home so as not to lose track!


It may not have been her choice to move but it is her choice to return home during the holidays and want to go back to the old town so often. She is a grown up now and needs to take responsibility for her own living costs!

paddy's_mum

It's very simple, really. If she is unwilling or unable to hand over hard cash, then she contributes in other ways - why can't she take charge of all the housework, do the laundry, spring clean one room in the home at every break from uni, mow a lawn or two, wash the family car ...?

There are lots of ways to 'pay' one's way. It's time she learned that returning home is a privilege, a very valuable one given that it encompasses love and caring and support.

It seems to me that the only reason the situation is "tricky" is because you are desperate to avoid falling out with her and that is not a healthy way to go on.

You do her no favours when you p u zzyfoot around the realities of life. It is my long held view that parents who don't fit their children into the world as it is have failed in one of the most important aspects of parenting there is.

Get it sorted sooner rather than later so that all of you know where the boundaries are and the whole family can relax. Good luck.

PolishBigSpender

meritaten wrote: »

I would put a stop to this 'spoiled princess act'. most uni students 'work' during the holidays. What makes her so special she doesn't do this?

The OP didn't say she doesn't do that - she's only in her first year, so she didn't have the "uni holidays" yet at all. Maybe she will work this Summer.

I also don't know anyone who'd be paying rent to their parents, although I think she should be paying for her own toiletries, clothes and holidays.

BitterAndTwisted

I doubt this daughter is selfish or thoughtless, much more that she is completely OBLIVIOUS.

If your husband is earning a mere £11k per annum I suspect she has more income than he does, and that's why she could afford to buy a PS4 and you don't have one.

I recommend absolutely full disclosure about how restricted your income is and how much of a worry it is to you having to find extra funds for housekeeping during the holidays. No well brought-up child would want to make beggars of her much-loved parents. She just needs to know the facts: straightforward, matter-of-fact and no emotion.

RAS

Lily

Firstly, the grants and loans are supposed to cover the full 38 weeks between September and July, so she has already had money given her for the holiday.

Secondly most students work part-time at university and during the holidays. Generally recommended no more than 20 hours and preferably only 12-15 per week. There should be a job-shop at university she can access.

Some parents are in the fortunate financial position of being able to to sub their student offspring over holidays, but since you get no money from the state for her and have a low income, that is unreasonable.

Even now she could get her @@se in gear and go out and look for bar or shop work over the vacation.

red_devil

Taking advantage.

jimmy_81

Lily-Rose wrote: »

It's just 'telling' her now LOL.

Think I will wait til after Christmas!!!

Hi Lily-Rose - my teenage years are rather longer ago than I care to think about - however - when I read this I did just want to comment...

Much as it might be "easier" to wait until after Christmas, that gives your daughter no chance to change her behaviour until afterwards.

If you'd like her to contribute over what's normally an expensive time of year, then you've GOT to be upfront, make it clear what you expect from her, and have the conversation NOW.

It could end very very badly if you retrospectively ask for a contribution - she would, quite rightly, feel as though she wasn't made aware of your expectations.

I don't envy you the conversation so good luck - I'm sure if you sit down and really explain your situation, she'll understand!