Tricky situation with child

Lily-Rose_3

Mojisola wrote: »

Why do you care what other parents do? You can't fund her lifestyle on your income. You do what you have to do.

She can either reduce her lifestyle until it doesn't cost you extra, pay her way or stay away from home and fund her own lifestyle.

She sounds as if she doesn't have a lot of respect for the two people in her life who have raised her.

I don't think it's as much this, as she does love and care about us, I know she does, and she does make/buy nice gifts for us and treats us well in general, BUT I think it is literally that she is a bit thoughtless occasionally, and she 'doesn't think;' not an excuse: but more an explanation. She is ALSO going on the experience of her pals - who are richer than us, and whose parents do not charge them., So THIS isn't helping our case!

bluebeary

Lily-Rose wrote: »

Now she has now broken up for Christmas, and has been here for 3 days, and she's already piling expensive stuff in the trolley, and has her kindle, phone, ipod, and laptop on charge half of her waking hours

i have a kobo ereader which i only bought because it was on offer and i had wanted one a while, which will be useful when i go on holiday and a basic nokia which has 32 gb of music and podcasts on, why would you need a kindle and a laptop, does the kindle not have wifi ?

also, i really couldnt be bothered to carry around all these electricals

even if i was alot better off i would only upgrade from my kobo touch to a kobo glo so i could read it in the dark, i have everything i want on my kobo ereader and nokia c3 01

there is a subsection in the forum in the financial section at the top where you can list your incomings and outgoings and other posters can help you

Lily-Rose_3

busiscoming2 wrote: »

I'm sorry if this is harsh but I think you have spoilt her in the past. She is no longer a child and you need to tell her that your financial circumstances are such that you cannot allow her to 'spend' so much of your money.

Lay down ground rules about the heating, shopping and lifts to the old town and as she is home for so long, she could find a temporary job.

I don't think you are being harsh and you are kind of right, although, as I said in my last paragraph of the first post: she wasn't any more spoilt than anyone else's child. But it's educating her and making her see/realise that we are not the same as her rich friends' families.

Bennifred

Lily-Rose wrote: »

So some parents DO charge their kids then?! She was most insistent that they don't, and that is why we feel awful asking for anything.

I really thought that it was frowned upon to charge your uni student offspring when they were still at uni - even in the hols.

It really doesn't matter what other parents do - they aren't necessarily in your situation.
It's not so long ago that children in this country were expected to leave school at the first possible opportunity so that they could earn and contribute to the family coffers.
I think you've given your daughter an excellent start - she's better off financially than a lot of students who get no grants and have to work both in term-time and the holidays to make ends meet.
It does sound as though you need to stop being apologetic for not being wealthy and start standing up to her - she sounds quite selfish if she can't see your situation without having it spelled out to her.

Adrenalina

Oh, and having 15 weeks of no timetabled study and choosing NOT to work?? That just doesn't make sense...

kelpie35

You mentioned that she spends approximately £15 per week on food when she is away at uni.

I would be telling her to buy her own food while at home.

You have also mentioned that she is clever and has good A results. I think you need to sit down with her and show her how much extra you are having to spend when she is living back home. If she is that bright she should see how much out of pocket you are and that there is no way you and your husband should have to struggle to make ends meet.

I think she is being very disrespectful to you and her dad and it needs to stop immediately.

Lily-Rose_3

Thank you, you guys!

Seriously, nobody is being harsh, and I appreciate ALL these comments. I have been so worried and not knowing if we were being in the wrong.

She IS a lovely girl, we DID spoil her a wee bit, but this didn't make her bratty TBH, it's just as someone said earlier in the thread: I think mixing with rich friends has raised her expectations, more so than the better financial situation we had up to 5 years or so ago.

I was expecting a barrage of 'what kind of parent ARE you? Expecting your daughter to pay her way whilst at uni!' so these answers are most welcome

To be honest, even a tenner a week (or about £50 a month) would a nice gesture, during the hols.

Don't know if she is NOT getting a summer job BTW. She hasn't said yay or nay yet. But I think all her pals are, so she probably will. But she probably won't offer us anything of it, and herein lies the problem . I also have to take into account of course (as someone mentioned earlier,) that she may have to start paying towards her new student house by early August or earlier.

Bennifred

Honestly, Lily-Rose, you will be doing her a big favour by making sure she knows the reality of the situation. If she gets used to not having "living outgoings" it will be much harder on her in the future.
Also - think how much nicer the atmosphere at home will be if you are more relaxed at her being there, not worrying about every penny she's taking from your budget!

jellyhead

I didn't know anyone who paid when they went back home for holidays, but I know a fair few who bought their own food and toiletries and paid for their own transportation.

As a veggie, I started paying for my own food while I was taking my A levels, never mind once I'd started uni. I realise that her friends are rich, but surely she must know people who have to work just to make ends meet during term time, and get a job when they go back home for the long holiday?

When/if mine go I would probably expect them to fund their own toiletries unless they were using the basic stuff I bought, and any food that wasn't part of my shopping, but I think I would feed them meals and cover the electricity costs. They would have no say whatsoever in what the thermostat was set to though!

21 or above would be horrendous, ugh! We'd all boil. How much does she wear? Make sure she wears socks or slippers, and a jumper, or give her a blanket to use while she is awake after you go to bed. I am the only person who gets cold in this house, so I wear extra layers. If she's that cold she could wear a onesie.

jellyhead

Also, will you be getting back the deposit on her accommodation? If she has plenty of money she can pay her own deposit for the next academic year, then you will have your money back