Deed Poll - to double-barrel or not?!!

Goldiegirl

My great grandmother was Scottish, and she gave all her children her surname as a middle name, so it implies she was very proud of her heritage.

Unfortunately, this naming pattern stopped in the next generation. Shame really, as I rather like this particular name.

pollypenny

DigForVictory wrote: »

There are two issues in play here - the naming and the not marrying.

What you call yourselves & your children is somewhat moot - you have a working situation - why mess with it? (And not knowing the chidrens ages, might not they deserve a say in the matter too?)

Then you have the I don't do marriage bit - which ruffles a lot of MSE feathers not because we're old fashioned (OK, I am & the rest can put their hands up as they please) but because it's an inherently unsafe situation for your children should you go under a bus. What you choose to call your children will mean nothing when social services put your unmarried lady through hoops to assure the paperwork she is the right & proper person to care for her & your children.

The names you will be called at that stage may or may not be double barrelled, but as it is avoidable, please take steps to avoid it!? Marriage isn't anywhere near as bad as that mess.

Very well put!

However, I'd say the 'I don't do marriage' has ruffled feathers not because we are old fashioned, but because it seems rather one-sided. OPs commitment only goes half way. And both partner and children lack the legal protection given by marriage.

claire16c

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

I had a friend who married into a double-barrelled family, with the first half of the name being quite unusual.

She was desperate to be double-barrelled, her DH less keen and using the second half only as often as he could.

Within a short space of time the wife understood WHY DH was keen to lose the double-barrelled business. Everything took so long: you phone the Chinese takeaway and they ask what name: how much easier to say "Jones" rather than "Montgomery-Jones. That's M O N T G O M E R Y-hyphen-Jones."

Just saying ...

I actually find it useful.

I use our full name for most things, but if I'm in a situation where I need something quick like a take away I'd just use Claire. Or 'Jones.' Or the other name. It's not like they care what your real name is!

But if I'm somewhere where it's better to be unique then ill use the full thing. Like when we once got on a coach, and had booked the tickets in DHs common surname (this was before marriage) and got told we were apparently already on there. I knew we should have used mine!

Or at US immigration he used to get grilled for having a 'common' name and taken to an interview room. That no longer happens.

So I like having a double barrelled surname!

Slinky

If my now husband said I could take his name but he wouldn't marry me, he'd have been out the door..... The cheek of it.

maman

It occurred to me that a good compromise between Parker and Collier might me Plonker!:rotfl:

More seriously, I find it very difficult to imagine myself in the position of OP or his partner. I'm so old fashioned that I just can't imagine being sufficiently committed to someone to have not one or even two but three children without considering marriage. I know it happens but not for me.

I use my former married name although I've long since remarried. I did it mainly for professional reasons but also because I didn't want my (then) school age DD to have a different name from mine.

I don't think it's essential to bother with deed poll. I believe you can call yourself what you like provided you don't intend to defraud anyone. To all intents and purposes I'm always known by my former DH's name but on rare occasions when someone assumes otherwise and perhaps writes me a cheque then my bank is aware and has a file note accordingly.

claire16c

RedfordML wrote: »

Also the suffix - does she change to Mrs?!!

No. Because you don't want to marry her.

Georgiegirl256

bluebeary wrote: »

double barrelled is simply vile, i think if i were to marry my partner i would keep my surname but any children we would have would take his surname

mainly because i really couldnt be bothered with all the paperwork, which im useless at anyway, i have no organisational skills whatsoever

I wouldn't say vile, but IMO some can come across as a bit pretentious, and some can sound ok. When I was younger I went to school with a girl who had a dbn and I didn't think nothing of it, even though it wasn't that common back then, to me it was just her name and I always thought it sounded quite cool.

I do think a lot of people do it now just to try and sound posh. Don't flame me for that, as it's just my opinion, and I do understand why some people do it, so a family name continues etc, but I really do think that in some cases, some people do do it to try and sound a bit posher!

Heck, if mine and the husbands names sounded anywhere cool put together, I might have done it! But together, they would have been 17 letters long! :eek: it would have been a real mouthful and probably wouldn't have fitted on forms lol!

Lunar_Eclipse

I have a best friend in this situation and it saddens me deeply. Partly because she is in a very vulnerable position financially and partly for the children. In her case, the father doesn't even have parental responsibility for their eldest due to laws at the time of his birth. Such a potential mess that could be so easily avoided. Love is a hard feeling to override, but I'm not sure I could put myself in that situation.

That aside, the name decision is your partners. In her situation, I would be keeping my own name (but would have given the children my name too!) I imagine she's desperate to feel part of the family. Her family that she created with you. What does she want to do, besides being married?

Lunar_Eclipse

SavingPennies wrote: »

However, if I was her...Id be keeping my own name till you put a ring on it. Id be embarrassed to change my surname to yours and change Miss to Mrs but not be married, its a bit of an insult to be honest.

This completely. I found it hard enough to take my husband's name when I married him (not that anyone has to.)

Birdie85

If my DH had suggested that I simply take his name via deed poll instead of getting married I'd have gone mental! I certainly would not have done what you are suggesting and take his name/double barrel it with my own and call myself a Mrs and go about pretending I'm married without the legal protection that marriage brings. How sad for your partner that this is what it's come to.

Just marry her FGS, it costs less than £150 (IIRC) to get it done at the registry office then she can take the name and the added security that comes with the certificate. When you've been together for so long and have children together why would you refuse to ensure that your loved one is protected properly in case anything happens to you?

Failing that, I like Fluff's idea... if you're so keen on sharing a name, take hers. Not such a simple decision when the shoe's on the other foot, is it?!