Childfree by Choice?

Torry_Quine

I think it's very sad that a couple may make a considered decision not to have children and then find themselves having to justify it.

We are not all the same and whether we want to have children or not doesn't or at least it shouldn't diminish the relationships we have with others.

VickyA_2

Ah! It's so lovely to be amongst like-minded people. :beer:

I am 34 and DH is 38 and we have no children through choice. We both work full time, with me being a teacher, but we don't want children. Far too often I am asked by people, "So how old are your children?" with me having to explain that I don't have children just one husband *chortle, chortle*.

Another bug bear is those acquaintances who ask when we're going to have children. Do I really need to answer those questions? No! They get a short shrift and generally run away with their tails between their legs...

CharlieRabbit01

It is often those who don't follow the"norm" who are often probed and quizzed about it.

There are 4 things I generally don't discuss about myself as I'm bored of the usual responses:

1. Like the op I Dont plan to have children
2. I'm not bothered about getting married
3. I'm an atheist
4. I want to donate my body to science when I die

Saturnalia

Carl31 wrote: »

Why is it, that quite a few people that choose not to have kids feel the need to advertise the fact? As pointed out , there's loads of threads on this subject, usually followed by loads of self justifying posters posting the many reasons why they don't want to

Nobody posts about why they felt the need to have kids, or remind everyone why the chose to have kids

This board is Marriage, Relationships & Families, so as the majority of those set-ups involve children, that's what the majority of threads are about.

You lot with children therefore have most of the airtime - rightly so. Yet whenever we want one thread to ourselves every few months, we get responses like yours.

Your last paragraph shows exactly why these threads are here. Your lifestyle is the accepted norm and as such never will be questioned. Only those of us who choose alternative paths have to face that.

You could quite easily skip past a thread with childfree in the title, or stick us all on ignore... but why don't you stick around, read and learn about a group you don't yet understand instead?

itsanne

I don't understand why people are complaining about this as a thread topic. If they don't like it they don't need to read it, never mind post on it.

I do have children, but wanted to comment on the idea that not to do so is "selfish". Deciding not to have children, for whatever reason, is no more selfish than making the decision to have them. In both situations people are deciding what they want to do. There is no rational reason to think of one of the choices as somehow being more or less worthy or selfish than the other.

It would be easy to say to those who choose not to have children that they should just ignore the people who pressure them, but having waited ten years before deciding to have ours I know only too well how frustrating it can be that other people seem to think they have the right to comment on and criticise what should be a private choice. Prospective grandparents in particular can be very guilty of this.

If you have chosen not to have children you have no need to justify your decision to anyone else.

catkins

Gavin83 wrote: »

I actually think a lot of people regret having children, it's just such a social taboo to say so that they keep it to themselves.

I have no interest in having children and have actually just booked an appointment to discuss a vasectomy with my doctor. Being 28 though I doubt he'll be too accomodating, but we'll see...

Marie Stopes will do it. You do have to pay but not sure how much it costs.

Me and OH asked the Dr first and got told no, as we had no children and apparently were going to change our minds! and we were too young. I was late 20's and OH was 26 I think (can't quite remember).

After the Dr refused we went to Marie Stopes clinic and they did it no problem. Best decision we ever made

pukkamum

I have children but I know a few couples who had children mainly because they felt it was the done thing to do, that I know would have had a much better life without them, my friend struggles every single day with being a mother as does her husband with being a father, they take no delight in the childrens achievements, they drag them to adult parties, restaurant's and bars desperately trying to continue with the life they had before, their resentment at having to deal with said children when they just want to socialise is clear and often the children just get ignored.
I can't help but think that if being childfree by choice wasn't so frowned upon by many in society this kind of scenario wouldn't happen.
I sometimes fantasise about what life would have been like without children and although I love them dearly I know dh and I would have had an equally rewarding wonderful life without them.
Oh and the occasional lie in!
I have another friend cfbc and she is constantly being asked when she will be having one, does she have fertility problems etc, disgusting, noone questions my decision to
have kids why on earth should she be questioned about her decision not to?

seven-day-weekend

I would not dream of asking someone why they did not have children. Apart from it being entirely their business, what if someone is desperate for a child and it is just not happening? It would be so cruel.

codemonkey

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

I would not dream of asking someone why they did not have children. Apart from it being entirely their business, what if someone is desperate for a child and it is just not happening? It would be so cruel.

Its one of the more agonising things about being infertile. I feel I need to point out that at the moment, we're not cfbc, but have been told we'll not be able to have children without medical intervention. And at some point in the future we'll probably have to make the choice between how far we're willing and/or able to go in our pursuit for a child or being childfree. We've discussed it, we know where our stopping point is and we will have to make the decision. We'll still have a nice life without babies, and we'll be more free to travel, which is good.

But the constant, "when are you going to have a baby?", "You should have a baby", "you haven't felt love til you've had a child" and "oh you're so unnatural to not want any" , make me both devastated and angry at the same time.

Laurajo_2

The thing that irritates me is that some people feel that, if you are Cfbc, it then gives them the right to question your health, motivations, your relationship with your partner, your past, your relationship with your parents (because it's obviously due to some deep-seated psychological issues that you've chosen not to procreate).

I don't dislike kids, I take an interest in my friends and family's children and enjoy hearing that Junior took his first steps or is just starting school. I just don't want any.