Childfree by Choice?

mumps

Cottage_Economy wrote: »

I always got a bit teary when we'd go and get my gran from her home at Christmas and there would be loads of old ladies who had kids and grandkids being left there, not even a visit planned.

When my mum starts on about me not having kids and how I won't have anyone to care for me when I'm older, I just remind her of all those old ladies and tell her having kids is no guarantee.

It is sad isn't it. I wonder why it happens, I was really close to my own mum and my gran (the other gran died quite young) I can't imagine not going to see them when they were alive. Perhaps some of them haven't had a good relationship in the past? I have an elderly aunt who has not children, I try to do what I can for her but she is 200 miles away so not always easy.

Goldiegirl

Cottage_Economy wrote: »

I always got a bit teary when we'd go and get my gran from her home at Christmas and there would be loads of old ladies who had kids and grandkids being left there, not even a visit planned.

When my mum starts on about me not having kids and how I won't have anyone to care for me when I'm older, I just remind her of all those old ladies and tell her having kids is no guarantee.

My mum spent the last 4 years in a home - we'd visit her regularly, but, to be honest, it could be very, very tough, to see your loved mother deteriorating due to the effects of Alzheimer's.

Maybe the old ladies left in the homes did have children and grand children who loved them, but the kids simply weren't strong enough mentally to see their loved mum a shell of her former self.

Person_one

mumps wrote: »

It is sad isn't it. I wonder why it happens, I was really close to my own mum and my gran (the other gran died quite young) I can't imagine not going to see them when they were alive. Perhaps some of them haven't had a good relationship in the past? I have an elderly aunt who has not children, I try to do what I can for her but she is 200 miles away so not always easy.

Loads of reasons, you've mentioned a common one which is distance. Also, people don't become saints just because they get old, some people who get no visitors in old age are just reaping what they've sown!

Edwardia

My maternal grandmother had Alzheimers disease and I remember he saying to me when she first went into the home: " I'm never going to get out of here alive" and within six months she was as institutionalised as the others. It is horrible watching someone you love deteriorate over time to the point where they don't even recognise you.

My mother tries to make me promise not to do to her what she did to her mother (ie put her in a home) but I can't promise that because I don't have a crystal ball.

OH has a daughter from his first marriage which took place when he was really young and she lives in the US. We chose not to have kids and I know for a long time we couldn't have afforded them.

I wouldn't want to bring up my child in poverty. It's not so much the lack of material things, it's the way in which kids from poorer backgrounds are deemed to have no future and there's the expectation that they will all end up in social housing on benefits or dead end jobs.

Teachers in primary schools don't encourage them so in my grammar school there were only a handful of people from poorer families out of several hundred girls and as my brother's stepdaughter goes to the same school I know it's still the case.

For much of their early lives we just wouldn't have been able to provide for them in the way that we would want to, to give them the best start in life be that with food, activities, travel, good school etc.

We've also had a lot of problems in our relationship and I don't think that would have been a good atmosphere for kids to grow up in either.

kboss2010

blunther wrote: »

I think you have some issues with men...

God forbid a bloke generalised like that about women!

Just an observation. Not one man in my family has ever been as resourceful, organised or reliable as the women. It's not even an issue of not trying, they just can't organise themselves enough to raise children. My grandad was away for years at a time and left my gran with 3 kids to feed and hardly any money. If it were left to my dad to sort out, as fun and supportive as he can be, I'd have had a rubbish education and ended up with no real prospects. All he ever wanted to do was fun stuff, never help with my homework or do the mundane things like sorting dentist appointments or making sure I had my school uniform. That was always left to my mum (he had no excuse because my parents were divorced when I was young and I lived with them both equally so he could have but chose not to). I've never had a guy in my life who has been Mr Reliable. If I wanted something done I had three options, me, my gran and my mum.

I've met a few men who are willing to do the hard work of being a house-husband but I can count them on one hand and it's an easy thing to promise but once you have a kid and they decide they want you to stay at home because it's "easier", you can't exactly give the kid back.

kboss2010

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

I agree, we had cats and a couple of dogs when our son was young, but I have noticed whist doing my pet-sitting that some animals (especially dogs) do appear to be child subsitutes for some people.

I know a guy who didn't want kids who bought his wife a dog when her biological clock started ticking. That dog was treated like a baby but they were the exception to the rule of the pet owners I know.

It might be a cliche but I like my cat because she is much lower maintenance and cheaper than a kid!

Saturnalia

So what if the pet is babied. If it is with owners who love it and take care of its needs, where is the problem? I'd rather see the kind of owner who sees the animal as part of their family than the ones that get pregnant and dump the pet at a shelter or put it to sleep as it isn't convenient anymore. As seems to be a socially acceptable trend.

Tiddlywinks

Hmm... a Childfree By Choice thread talking about pets being child substitutes - no surprise there.

Why do people assume that pets will be treated like children because the owner is childfree?

People are people and nurture loved ones in different ways.

I have two cats and I love them unreservedly and care for them now in their old age... they're not child substitutes, they are animals that I love... they have names, favourite foods, habits, likes and dislikes. Because I know them and take care of them I can tell when they are feeling poorly, fed up etc... you just get to know those you live with.

But I take exception to people suggesting they are child substitutes as I find that really insulting. I come from a family of animal lovers and we have always had cats... but those that suggest they are child substitutes will be using their own yardstick in suggesting that and it says more about their values than mine.

Why is it so hard for some to understand that you can love animals, understand animals and feel an affinity with them without seeing them as baby substitutes?

Tiddlywinks

Prothet_of_Doom wrote: »

I have 2 kids. The guy (who is my age) I sit next to has none, and his wife and he have no intention of having any. Their reasoning is that the world is a horrible and hostile place, which is full, and why subject a child to a life of misery and make life more difficult for the rest of humanity.

I suspect however it would just get in the way of thier life. The expensive holidays, multiple motorbikes, weekends doing 'projects' in the garage, going to the TT, out for meals etc. I think they realised early on that their life would not be thier own for years if they had kids.

Why do you feel the need to analyse their motives for not having children?

They could indeed have made their CFBC decision based on how they feel about the state of the world we live in... and that choice has then resulted in more cash for a different lifestyle.

Why the need to second guess them or suggest they are making up a cover story?

I doubt they are sitting at home thinking 'I wonder why X had children? She says she had them because she loves the thought of seeing her children develop over the years into individual little people... BUT I SUSPECT it's just so she has someone to look after her in her old age...'!

Kayalana99

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

Hmm... a Childfree By Choice thread talking about pets being child substitutes - no surprise there.

Why do people assume that pets will be treated like children because the owner is childfree?

Because people do. Not saying that everyone who is child free and gives their pet a christmas present is 'substituting' but it is their.

A friend of mine has 3 dogs, they are her babies. She takes them everywhere, throws them birthday partys, posts pictures of them weekly about their activities together and what shes brought them and what they've done...

She is not child free by choice, it just never happened for her.