How to beat the green eyed monster!

andygb

Christmasfairy wrote: »

Tbh, I think really we need to just go our separate ways, I'm obviously making him miserable, he's. It the person he used to be and neither am I. Despite doing my best to support him financially, emotionally, I can't win. I have turned into a short tempered, nasty person who does nothing but accuse. He has turned into a lying toad who thinks the grass is greener. It's no example for our kids.

To be honest, I am not at all surprised that you are short tempered if he treats you like this.
No right minded, considerate, responsible person who is in a relationship (with children makes this worse), should be having "secret" communications with a member of the opposite sex, particularly when they are work colleagues - absolutely no good can come of it.
The fact that he is accusing you of being "jealous" (which you are not, you are simply exhibiting a natural reaction to his behaviour), just shows what an uncaring philanderer he is. He is playing mind games with you, to try to make you feel ridiculous, guilty and confused.
If there really is nothing going on, then why isn't he being upfront about this woman? Why does he feel the need to only phone her when he is away from you?
I would assume that this other woman is single, without children, has no ties and is free to "play around" as she likes, and your OH has absolutely no morals or qualms about taking advantage of this situation.
I think that you need to summon all your courage and confront him about this, because the longer it goes on, the more it will affect your health.
Good luck.

northern_bird

OP this all sounds SO familiar to me, as it does for others who've already replied. Having been in much the same situation myself with my ex-husband, I thought I was going mad when he kept denying that there was anything going on with a woman who he used to text & call mulitple times a day. I didn't think anything physical happened, but as far as he was concerned he wasn't doing anything wrong, he wasn't cheating & I was just jealous, insecure and 'mad' - it was 'all in my head'. He used to put me down, he didn't even tell other work colleagues he was married with a baby! They were very surprised when they met me & I felt like a piece of dog dirt on his shoe.

There's a term 'gaslighting'. Google it & see if any of it rings true for you. The important thing is for you to understand that it's not your fault, you're not beneath him or his family & he should be contributing to the household, family & his relationship in more ways than just financially - and he's not even doing that! A relationship is the responsibility of BOTH parties. Of course you're a misrable nag because he's manipulated you into being that way so that he can justify his selfish, deceitful behaviour. He's been slowly chiselling away at your self-esteem for some time from what you've said.

Please do read a few articles on gaslighting, I really think it will help you get to grips on what's happening. Good luck.

Reams

Christmasfairy wrote: »

Hi, still catching up on replies and have been busy sorting things for him as he has no time apparently.

The money situation is because his job is ending at Easter, therefor he is saving his wages in case he can't find another job as quick as he would like. So at present I am paying for everything.
Although it has crossed my mind he is saving to start again. Really I only pay for things so my childrens home,life isn't disturbed which is the most important thing at the minute.
He called this evening and was pleasant, it takes me by surprise tbh. But no doubt a row will occur later, prob started by me tbh, I'm in a foul mood today, feeling a bit of a fool

If there is logic in you paying for everything now, I cannot see it. If he gets another job will he repay you? Thought not.
The time to pitch in and help is Easter, not now.

Please don't feel a fool, some people can be very manipulative.

Melonade

Reams wrote: »

If there is logic in you paying for everything now, I cannot see it. If he gets another job will he repay you? Thought not.
The time to pitch in and help is Easter, not now.

Please don't feel a fool, some people can be very manipulative.

I agree with this 100%

If you can afford to pay the bills/mortgage now then will you be able to pay those things come Easter? If he doesn't find a job by Easter then (depending on what happens between then and now) help with the bills.

I don't have any other advice but I hope everything works out ok for you and the kids. You all deserve to be happy.

Scorpio33

Lets think about this logically.

Lets also assume that what he is saying is correct - you are just being overly jealous and he is innocent (which I don't beleive)

You both Love each other and so naturally care about how each other are feeling.
If you then assume you need to work on your jealousy and insecurities, then how is him doing what he is doing helping?
You are insecure, so he switches to paperless billing so you can't check?!
You are insecure about his texts so he deletes them so you can't check?!
You are insecure about how close he is with this lady so he speaks to her more often and before he speaks to you?!
When you ask him about his texts he throws his phone away in a strop?!

Nothing he is doing is helping and if he was really serious about your relationship he needs to change his actions quickly. If I were him and I cared about you, I would be showing you my phone all the time, showing you my bills, not phoning other people - as it shows I care about you and at least in the short term would help with your insecurities (if that is all they are).

Personally, I think you know what is happening and you just need to bite the bullet and confront him.
What he is doing is wrong on all levels and just shows what a horrible person he is.

If you want this relationship to be saved, you both need councelling, but he needs to take responsibility of why there are issues at the moment.

belfastgirl23

Honestly I think at this stage you are investing way way too much energy in what HE wants.

The situation is what it is. You can't change how he is behaving. So the big question therefore is given that this is the situation, what do YOU want?

You have your own money. This puts you in the driving seat.

At the minute he is treating you like this because YOU are prepared to put up with it. And if that's what you want, then fair enough but acknowledge it to yourself. If that's not what you want then ask yourself what you DO want. If it involves him then tell him. If it doesn't then do it.

What I'm saying is, you have power. At the minute you are choosing not to exercise it and to allow him and his opinions and behaviours to dictate how you are. It is very very scary taking over the reins but ultimately very empowering.

BTW my experience is that you hit a point where the misery is so great you don't care whether he stays or leaves as long as a decision is reached. It sounds like you're pretty close to this point to me.

Good luck!

Christmasfairy

Thank you for all the replies.

I can honestly understand people who ask why I am still with him or why we had a child etc, but he wasn't always like this. When we were first together he was sweetness personified, of course I have since found out he was trying to meet women online and chatting to ex gfs all whilst I was pregnant, but everything is clearer with hindsight. If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't be in this situation.

Last night he was being pleasant, only because he hoped there was a. Chance for sex ( tmi sorry) I have just had an operation (gynae related) and I'm not up to it tbh, of course him realising being nice was getting him nowhere, he then started making comments, if he goes without much longer he'll have to go elsewhere etc.
My main thought was go for it you lousy toad. I'm in a horrible mood again this morning.
It's the lies that get me, he said yesterday he wasn't going to his works Xmas party ( because I'm so paranoid it's not worth it) yet he was up reachable at work and was home earlier than he usually would. Of course that was because he wants to spend time with us not because he's a liar.

I'm so cross today. Rant over

Watto30

Christmasfairy wrote: »

I can honestly understand people who ask why I am still with him or why we had a child etc, but he wasn't always like this. When we were first together he was sweetness personified, of course I have since found out he was trying to meet women online and chatting to ex gfs all whilst I was pregnant, but everything is clearer with hindsight. If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't be in this situation.

Last night he was being pleasant, only because he hoped there was a. Chance for sex ( tmi sorry) I have just had an operation (gynae related) and I'm not up to it tbh, of course him realising being nice was getting him nowhere, he then started making comments, if he goes without much longer he'll have to go elsewhere etc.


I'm so cross today. Rant over

I previously posted and said I would not say to leave him only you can make that decision but after this I want to say run for the hills!!


You are worth a million times more than this and you have the power in your hands to change the situation, no one has the right to dictate our moods which is exactly what he is doing, quite frankly its abuse not just mentally but from the sounds of it financially as well.


Him saying he will go elsewhere for sex is all mind control designed to make you feel like rubbish and become even more "paranoid and jealous" its very easy for us a bunch of internet strangers say just leave him but I appreciate that thats never just straightforward but for the sake of your children please think long and hard about your future you dont need this waste of space bleeding you dry any longer

justme111

Christmasfairy wrote: »

Hi!

I'm a new poster on here so apologise if I'm not doing this right!

I will try to keep this short and to the point!

My oh has informed me that he feels my jealous streak is out of control and I need to do something, I agree with the fact I feel very very jealous and insecure, but I can't seem to get passed any of this. And I worry Xmas is going to be ruined at this rate.

My main problem is with a woman my oh works with, I came across his phone bill whilst cleaning and it seems he calls this woman on the way into work nearly every morning, numerous texts and picture messages by the looks of it.
I asked him about it ( not calmly, I did accuse) and I was told I was mental it's all in my head.
Anyway after more arguing it turns out this woman had been buying the Xmas presents from my oh to me and our kids?? He doesn't have time so she does it. I hit the roof, that to me is awful but again I'm being immature.
Had a car accident a few weeks ago and it turns out ( I snooped on his phone, bad I know) that he called her before calling anyone else, he told her about his job interview before anyone else and she generally seemed involved in every aspect of our lives!

A message I saw before he deleted them all ( he does this automatically now, prob cos I'm snooping) said "I'm sorry if I upset you, I will cry all night now" he replied saying it's ok see you tomorrow .

I can't decide if this is me feeling insecure and reading things into situations that don't exist or if it's what my gut is telling me, he's up to something, I can't explain it but something doesn't sit right with all this.

Help! I'm driving myself mad, can I get over being jealous. If I can't I think it will be the end of us!
He told me last week he will" replace me" if I don't buck up my ideas

Any advice welcome, even if it's to tell me I sound like a bunny boiler :rotfl::rotfl:

You are not a bunny boiler , I would been double angry at home for trying to absolve himself by classing you as such , very mean. You already been replaced. He just trying to pretend its your fault . Sure you may be not a saint but a man that will try and argue this type of relationship with a collegue is normal is plain insulting your intelligence.

justme111

I just can not believe what I am reading. So constant hidden contact with another female about which he gets angry at you while being all heart to her is normal then ? He said he would found someone and you have.not replied that he better do because its finished with him ? What confrontation , what checking his phone - its ridiculous , he does seem to have less consideration for you than for slugs in the garden understandably so - its difficult for a human being to respect ones that do not respect themselves, power corrupts etc. Y ou should beetn out of it , not arguing with him trying him to acknowledge what sh.t he puts you through. I have thought this post must be a wind up but it does look so genuine its scary.