How to beat the green eyed monster!

Christmasfairy

Hi!

I'm a new poster on here so apologise if I'm not doing this right!

I will try to keep this short and to the point!

My oh has informed me that he feels my jealous streak is out of control and I need to do something, I agree with the fact I feel very very jealous and insecure, but I can't seem to get passed any of this. And I worry Xmas is going to be ruined at this rate.

My main problem is with a woman my oh works with, I came across his phone bill whilst cleaning and it seems he calls this woman on the way into work nearly every morning, numerous texts and picture messages by the looks of it.
I asked him about it ( not calmly, I did accuse) and I was told I was mental it's all in my head.
Anyway after more arguing it turns out this woman had been buying the Xmas presents from my oh to me and our kids?? He doesn't have time so she does it. I hit the roof, that to me is awful but again I'm being immature.
Had a car accident a few weeks ago and it turns out ( I snooped on his phone, bad I know) that he called her before calling anyone else, he told her about his job interview before anyone else and she generally seemed involved in every aspect of our lives!

A message I saw before he deleted them all ( he does this automatically now, prob cos I'm snooping) said "I'm sorry if I upset you, I will cry all night now" he replied saying it's ok see you tomorrow .

I can't decide if this is me feeling insecure and reading things into situations that don't exist or if it's what my gut is telling me, he's up to something, I can't explain it but something doesn't sit right with all this.

Help! I'm driving myself mad, can I get over being jealous. If I can't I think it will be the end of us!
He told me last week he will" replace me" if I don't buck up my ideas

Any advice welcome, even if it's to tell me I sound like a bunny boiler :rotfl::rotfl:

MrsAtobe

Are you married? Or living together and have children together?

Christmasfairy

MrsAtobe wrote: »

Are you married? Or living together and have children together?

We live together, we have one child together and I have 2 from a previous relationship

tarkytarks

It sounds to me like he does have something to feel guilty about and is trying to palm his guilt off and take it out on you. The fact he has cottoned onto the fact you looked on his phone and is now deleting text messages is suspicious to me... I don't blame you for snooping tbh. What does your gut instinct say? Is he around at home in the evenings and weekends, or does he stay out / unable to contact him at times?

Christmasfairy

tarkytarks wrote: »

It sounds to me like he does have something to feel guilty about and is trying to palm his guilt off and take it out on you. The fact he is deleting text messages is suspicious to me... What does your gut instinct say? Is he around at home in the evenings and weekends, or does he stay out / unable to contact him at times?

Weekends and evenings he is with us, but recently I keep hearing him moan about how his life isn't as exciting as it should be, or moaning about me, nothing I do is right, I'm not this that or the other. He seems like he wishes he was elsewhere.

My gut tells me that nothing physical may have happened, yet. But I think he is putting the feelers out, if you know what I mean.
I think if she gave him the right signals he would do it

justanopinion

No, you don't sound like a bunny boiler. You sound more like someone who cannot understand why her OH is treating another woman as the "main" woman in his life!

I would not be happy in this situation. Ultimately, we have doubts for normally well-founded reasons. The fact he is accusing you as the one who has "issues" is enough for me as it sounds too much like a deflection. He's making it your problem.

I would not be happy in this situation.

Best wishes. x

Christmasfairy

justanopinion wrote: »

No, you don't sound like a bunny boiler. You sound more like someone who cannot understand why her OH is treating another woman as the "main" woman in his life!

I would not be happy in this situation. Ultimately, we have doubts for normally well-founded reasons. The fact he is accusing you as the one who has "issues" is enough for me as it sounds too much like a deflection. He's making it your problem.

I would not be happy in this situation.

Best wishes. x

Thanks.

I was hoping everyone would think I was a bit bunny boiler tbh, I have a horrid gut feeling. For instance, right now he's texting away on his phone, I know the noise it makes when he's texting, I asked who, he said no one , the phone was thrown across the room and he stropped off. Sure enough there are no texts, but he was texting.
The phone goes everywhere with him. He's changed to online billing so I won't see the bills again.

Apparently if I was a half decent girlfriend I wouldn't think he was up to anything, because I'd be doing the job right.

Tbh, at this rate she welcome to the obnoxious fool

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

I've bought OHs and kids presents before for guys at work. They've genuinely been too busy or just lost for ideas about what to get.


But then again, most of my best mates are guys - and to a partner who doesn't know them or how we get along, the text conversations and calls we have could easily be disliked or taken as threatening, I suppose.


And I would go ballistic were somebody to be reading my text messages. Although, thinking about it, I went out at the weekend and left my phone with the Lovely Fella so he could use iPlayer. So I suppose he could have read them.

Oh well. They're only things like 'what are we playing this time?', 'Pub in 20?' or 'You alright mate?/You can crash in the spare room/get something to eat at mine/borrow a tenner'. Pretty inconsequential, but there are a lot of them. Maybe if they had partners, they'd be bothered by the number of messages and calls. [shrug]

tarkytarks

Hmmm. I had a similar thing happen to me with an ex about 8 years ago. I knew something was going on just due to a change in his behaviour and around his phone. he would deny that he was texting anyone but suddenly his phone would be on him at all times with unknown pin and he would password protect and lock his pc if it was unattended... I knew in my gut that something was up and eventually managed to intercept a phone bill that had £90 worth of texts and calls to one number. Even when I confronted him about it he kept denying anything. But I eventually got evidence from his pc and he did seem to break it off with her. Anyway I couldn't really trust him after that and ended up leaving him a few years later (for other reasons).
Theoretically, how do you think he would react if you threatened to leave him, or found yourself someone to text chat with?

justanopinion

I think you need to trust your gut instinct. There's a reason it's called that after all! I don't think it's bunny boiler-ish behaviour to be interested in who your OH is texting. It's natural curiosity and interest. I think the angle of deflection is added only when someone knows what they've done may not be seen as appropriate. Yes, it could be nothing, but his behaviour doesn't condone that.

Is this the only problem you have? You say she's welcome to him as he's an obnoxious fool, but you have a child together, so you must and maybe do still love him very much?

lostinrates

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

I've bought OHs and kids presents before for guys at work. They've genuinely been too busy or just lost for ideas about what to get.


But then again, most of my best mates are guys - and to a partner who doesn't know them or how we get along, the text conversations and calls we have could easily be disliked or taken as threatening, I suppose.


And I would go ballistic were somebody to be reading my text messages. Although, thinking about it, I went out at the weekend and left my phone with the Lovely Fella so he could use iPlayer. So I suppose he could have read them.

Oh well. They're only things like 'what are we playing this time?', 'Pub in 20?' or 'You alright mate?/You can crash in the spare room/get something to eat at mine/borrow a tenner'. Pretty inconsequential, but there are a lot of them. Maybe if they had partners, they'd be bothered by the number of messages and calls. [shrug]

I have bought presents on behalf of my oh too. But that's the point, he's my partner, not a work colleague.

A very, very good personal assistant might be asked to prefer advice (many thanks to my day's for years) but......my dad didn't know me that well and he and my mother have since separated ......which is also the point here.


The 'I will cry all night' comment is a boundary crossed IMO. Not necessarily affair or anything, but not professional friendship. My DH has many female friends and I am aware language sometimes becomes a bit of an issue if some women to a bit hearts and flowers and xxx purely as they might with any other friend, because in some situations its not appropriate.