How to beat the green eyed monster!

Christmasfairy

slightlyconfused1 wrote: »

I used to work with a guy that I immediately became really good friends with. We just clicked straight away but.....

My dh knew all about him. My office was very social so we did go out in groups but although dh wasn't included in those nights he would often come and collect me and give this chap a lift home too. I would chat about him just the same as I chatted about the girls. My point is there was no secrecy no hiding because he was a work pal and tbh I didn't think of him as a man.

Surely if this woman is just someone he gets on well with he would be talking about her. The secrecy is what rings alarm bells not the fact that he has a female friend.

Trust your instincts.

He claims he doesn't talk about her because of how I will react, but tbh until I noticed all the calls and texts I didn't even know she existed, he went out of his way to keep her a secret before I had a problem with the situation.

justanopinion

He wants you to sort your jealousy out, yet he taunts you with blonde, skinny people? Wow. My OH has never done that. I am overweight, our relationship is not perfect, but he has never, ever, commented on the fact I'm a size 18.

Sweetheart, this is not healthy. Someone belittling you is just hideous.

Why is he such a catch?!

Christmasfairy

justanopinion wrote: »

He wants you to sort your jealousy out, yet he taunts you with blonde, skinny people? Wow. My OH has never done that. I am overweight, our relationship is not perfect, but he has never, ever, commented on the fact I'm a size 18.

Sweetheart, this is not healthy. Someone belittling you is just hideous.

Why is he such a catch?!

He doesn't see it that way, I will say something like if I'm not cooking your tea right! why don't you go round Julie's! see of she can cook you something. He replies with maybe if you were her we wouldn't have this problem? It's tit for tat I suppose, but I know he fancies her, he's said if he was single he would,

I think me being jealous is fueling the fire but I can't stop, it annoys me more than anything I feel like a bit of a mug tbh

SavingPennies_2

I'm trying to remain as neutral as possible as these threads can often end up being full of "dump him" messages which is so easy for people to type when they are talking to a stranger, but this is your life, and the man you loved enough to have a child with.

You both sound like you are unhappy, have you talked, really talked about how you can make this relationship can be made to work? Have you told each other what is making you both unhappy? I get the feeling you might be both bottling things up and the wall between you is just getting higher.

I don't think this woman is even the problem, I think there are issues within the relationship (I'm not suggesting they are your fault), and maybe his confiding in her is a symptom of that, and it is those issues that need addressing.

Something positive to take is it sounds to me like she is the one doing the chasing but he is still with you, surely that says something and its not to late to work things out, if that's what you want.

spender

"Replace Him"

paddy's_mum

The only way that you're going to be able to keep the jealousy under control is if he ruddy well stops fuelling it! He's prodding the caged tiger with a sharp stick and then wondering why it wants to kill him.

I'm afraid that if he told me that he was inclined to replace me for a better model (while continuing to torment the marriage with highly inappropriate contacts) he'd find his gear out on the lawn and the locks changed.

I have to say that my experience tells me that all the time he thinks he holds all the cards, he won't change and you will continue to be his whipping boy. Hitting out at you means he doesn't have to examine his own weakness, very unkind behaviour or lack of maturity.

She's a very stupid woman if she thinks that a man who is behaving like this towards one wife won't repeat the pattern further down the line ...

I'm sorry you've got all this in the run-up to Christmas which should be a happy family time. Good luck and trust your instincts.

Christmasfairy

SavingPennies wrote: »

I'm trying to remain as neutral as possible as these threads can often end up being full of "dump him" messages which is so easy for people to type when they are talking to a stranger, but this is your life, and the man you loved enough to have a child with.

You both sound like you are unhappy, have you talked, really talked about how you can make this relationship can be made to work? Have you told each other what is making you both unhappy? I get the feeling you might be both bottling things up and the wall between you is just getting higher.

I don't think this woman is even the problem, I think there are issues within the relationship (I'm not suggesting they are your fault), and maybe his confiding in her is a symptom of that, and it is those issues that need addressing.

Something positive to take is it sounds to me like she is the one doing the chasing but he is still with you, surely that says something and its not to late to work things out, if that's what you want.

At the minute I'm too angry to talk, I end up ranting shouting and generally being un pleasant, whilst all he does is deny deny deny, and claim is all my doing.

Maybe she is easier to talk to than me, but tbf she's not looking after his child, keeping the house a float and putting up with him! But yes I can see why it would be appealing.
However, I can't be her, or be childless, or be anything else he seems to want. I'm just becoming throughly unpleasant, unhappy and tbh a bit of a witch to be around.
If I could control the jealousy and anger enough to explain to him my problem, but at present I can't

DigForVictory

I'm torn between saying try to make a go of it for your children & kick the toad to the kerb before he damages you any further.
You don't sound unreasonably jealous - you sound worried & cross & with a fair bit of reason.

It doesn't sound like he'd go for couples counselling, but it's worth suggesting and being seen to be the one trying to solve the problems. Then foolish moves are clearly his.

So, let's get pragmatic - who owns where you live?
Who is earning more, full &/or part time?
Has he assets?
Kin who will take your side for access to grandchildren?
Kin & friends of your own who can bolster wobbles & cheer you on as you go forward, with or without him?

(You have a sort of extended family right here on MSE, as I hope you're feeling, but when you need someone to tuck in 2 whilst you rush 3rd to A&E, we're a bit virtual. Facts & opinions & reassurance & a listening ear pretty much 24/7 however.)

Christmasfairy

DigForVictory wrote: »

I'm torn between saying try to make a go of it for your children & kick the toad to the kerb before he damages you any further.
You don't sound unreasonably jealous - you sound worried & cross & with a fair bit of reason.

It doesn't sound like he'd go for couples counselling, but it's worth suggesting and being seen to be the one trying to solve the problems. Then foolish moves are clearly his.

So, let's get pragmatic - who owns where you live?
Who is earning more, full &/or part time?
Has he assets?
Kin who will take your side for access to grandchildren?
Kin & friends of your own who can bolster wobbles & cheer you on as you go forward, with or without him?

(You have a sort of extended family right here on MSE, as I hope you're feeling, but when you need someone to tuck in 2 whilst you rush 3rd to A&E, we're a bit virtual. Facts & opinions & reassurance & a listening ear pretty much 24/7 however.)

He owns our house but he can't pay the mortgage or bills at the minute, I pay everything, if I left the house would be repossessed. Tbf the only people who would side with him would be his parents, who can't see any wrong in anything he does.

He would go to counselling if I agreed to take the blame for generally being me and not whoever it is he hoped he'd end up with. So not much point there.

If I am being honest, I'm bored with life with him, listening to him slate me when all I have done is help him and be there for him.

Xmas this year will be not be fun

SavingPennies_2

Christmasfairy wrote: »

At the minute I'm too angry to talk, I end up ranting shouting and generally being un pleasant, whilst all he does is deny deny deny, and claim is all my doing.

Maybe she is easier to talk to than me, but tbf she's not looking after his child, keeping the house a float and putting up with him! But yes I can see why it would be appealing.
However, I can't be her, or be childless, or be anything else he seems to want. I'm just becoming throughly unpleasant, unhappy and tbh a bit of a witch to be around.
If I could control the jealousy and anger enough to explain to him my problem, but at present I can't

Its understandable that you are so upset, but if you are ranting and being unpleasant then you are likely to get a similar response from him, you said yourself "tit for tat", it becomes a vicious circle. Of course I realise your behaviour is a response to his behaviour, but if you are being a witch to be around as you say, its going to make him pretty miserable too.

Is there any way you can get someone to look after the kids for the night or a weekend so you can have some time alone to talk things through as calm as possible?