How to beat the green eyed monster!

Christmasfairy

SavingPennies wrote: »

Christmasfairy - hope you are feeling better. Do you think for the kids you can put on a brave face over christmas, then start the new year afresh...with or without him.

Tbh, I think really we need to just go our separate ways, I'm obviously making him miserable, he's. It the person he used to be and neither am I. Despite doing my best to support him financially, emotionally, I can't win. I have turned into a short tempered, nasty person who does nothing but accuse. He has turned into a lying toad who thinks the grass is greener. It's no example for our kids.

jetplane

There seems to be countless threads appear on here from women in counselling, whose other half is telling them they are paranoid, unreasonable and the problem lies with them. Attack is the best form of defense and these men seem to excel in this tactic.

Call me old fashioned but, for me, I am the main woman in my husbands life, it will never be acceptable for him to give another woman more of his time and effort, unless its our daughter. This is not to say he doesn't have female friends but if my husband was secretive about a friend male or female, then it would be his wrongdoing and not my fault.

OP it is classic that men tell their wives they are going mad but look how many times the womans instinct is right. His behaviour should be to reassure you. Is it possible that he is too much of a coward to make a decision so will push you until you make the decision to leave? It is easy for him to then play the victim while you take all the responsibility of uprooting your family.

Yes there are examples of people having no problem with their partners having friendships with the opposite sex. However when one partner feels threatened the other partner should be there for them, not putting them down. And while there are examples of controlling partners who do not like their partners having friends I do not think that your partner can use that excuse. I would find his constant put downs of you unforgivable.

pelirocco

Christmasfairy wrote: »

I have seen her on facebook, but never in person, I have never meet anyone from his work, never been invited to any work outings. Apparently I would embarrass him, of I acted jealously, which I would only do if he was all over another woman? Also, I'm a bit lower class than the people he works with so I think he thinks I would show him up.

I have hardly met any of his family, they are all quite well off and being a girl from a. Council estate he feels it's better to keep us separate.

He just called from work, I tried to say we should talk, he said I was starting and hung up.

I just see no way this will work

And you are with him why?

and why have a child with him

Christmasfairy

pelirocco wrote: »

And you are with him why?

and why have a child with him

When we got together I obviously met his mum and dad but they stay a long way from us, so the lack of contact seemed almost normal. Then when I had our child I assumed we would see them more but we didn't, I questioned it and he explained that I'm a bit beneath them all, whether they have said that or not I don't know. So really I didn't know until I had my child

tayforth

((((Hugs)))) OP. I've read the entire thread and I just wanted to say that I'm sorry that you're in this situation. I've never been a jealous person, but to me you have reason to be worried about his behaviour. As for him telling you that he fancies this other woman, and if only you were her there'd be no problems - that's really beyond the pale.

You seem like a decent, honest person who's being driven to distraction by all of this.

You are not mad. And don't let him tell you that you are.

Keep going to the counsellor, they will help you to make sense of it all. Don't make any hasty decisions, but do talk openly about what you've told us.
xxx

tayforth

Christmasfairy wrote: »

I have seen her on facebook, but never in person, I have never meet anyone from his work, never been invited to any work outings. Apparently I would embarrass him, of I acted jealously, which I would only do if he was all over another woman? Also, I'm a bit lower class than the people he works with so I think he thinks I would show him up.

I have hardly met any of his family, they are all quite well off and being a girl from a. Council estate he feels it's better to keep us separate.

Christmasfairy wrote: »

When we got together I obviously met his mum and dad but they stay a long way from us, so the lack of contact seemed almost normal. Then when I had our child I assumed we would see them more but we didn't, I questioned it and he explained that I'm a bit beneath them all, whether they have said that or not I don't know. So really I didn't know until I had my child

:eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek:

I hadn't seen this when I posted above.

He's a charmer, isn't he?

Nobody would say this to someone they profess to love and respect.

unicorn1984

I would leave this man. He is doing nothing for you, or your self esteem. He tells you that you are BENEATH his family and work colleagues, that you would EMBARASS him if you were to come on a night out with them, tells you he will REPLACE you and compares you to other women and tells you that you are boring and paranoid!? Where could you POSSIBLY be getting ideas from? What an utter knobber this guy is!

I am usually quite open minded when it comes to stuff like this, I like to try and see both sides, but if this guy really does say these types of things to you then he needs to go. What a terrific example to set to your children.....

Regarding this other woman, the fact that he hides his phone I would normally say "well if you go snooping through it every chance you get he is bound to", so many times friends of mine have found texts from other women, completely misread them, because they already have the idea there is infidelity going on, so you kind of read into it what you yourself already assume. Its a dangerous thing.

However, since he has now started deleting all his texts (my partner does this, but has always, even before we were a couple, its just habit!) and the text regarding her crying is very telling. He is most likely unhappy, bored whatever, and this woman has shown him some attention. Either it is just a bit of office flirtation, maybe she likes him more hence the crying all night text, and he is using this as a way of making himself feel wanted. Or, there is something going on and he doesn't want to be the one to break it up, he wants you to become so paranoid and jealous that you leave, or you become so unbearable to live with that he can justify walking. (his "better than you" family would probably love to hear how you drove him to leave with your constant accusations, rather than hear that their perfect son was having it away with some bird from his office).

I would be VERY annoyed about the whole Xmas pressie thing, from a Mothers point of view! It may not seem too big a deal to others, but that to me is very disrespectful. If she was his PA then its different, but she isn't. Is she married? Have a boyfriend? Family?

Seems this man thinks you can do no better than him, so he can treat you how he wants, because who on Earth could possibly be better than him? You should feel lucky to have him.... what a !!!!!!!!!

I left my husband last year, he was not seeing anyone (although I barely saw him, he was out 4/5/6 nights a week til the small hours and I got to the point where I really didnt even care!). When we got together, I was independent, had lots of friends, went out and had fun. I was HAPPY. Slowly, and without realising it, I turned into a stressed, moaning, downtrodden misery, and I didnt want my son growing up in an unhappy house. I left him 16 months ago. We have never been happier. I am with my new partner and he treats me so well that I truly feel blessed to have him in mine and my sons lives. Me and my ex get on well, and I know he feels bad for the way he treated me, but had I not left I would still be there and I would have ended up hating him.

He doesnt even seem to want to try and work things out with you, just place blame and make you out to be a nagging bore.

Hope you manage to sort this out. Noone should be allowed to make you feel this way xx

tayforth

unicorn1984 wrote: »

I would leave this man. He is doing nothing for you, or your self esteem. He tells you that you are BENEATH his family and work colleagues, that you would EMBARASS him if you were to come on a night out with them, tells you he will REPLACE you and compares you to other women and tells you that you are boring and paranoid!? Where could you POSSIBLY be getting ideas from? What an utter knobber this guy is!

I am usually quite open minded when it comes to stuff like this, I like to try and see both sides, but if this guy really does say these types of things to you then he needs to go. What a terrific example to set to your children.....

Regarding this other woman, the fact that he hides his phone I would normally say "well if you go snooping through it every chance you get he is bound to", so many times friends of mine have found texts from other women, completely misread them, because they already have the idea there is infidelity going on, so you kind of read into it what you yourself already assume. Its a dangerous thing.

However, since he has now started deleting all his texts (my partner does this, but has always, even before we were a couple, its just habit!) and the text regarding her crying is very telling. He is most likely unhappy, bored whatever, and this woman has shown him some attention. Either it is just a bit of office flirtation, maybe she likes him more hence the crying all night text, and he is using this as a way of making himself feel wanted. Or, there is something going on and he doesn't want to be the one to break it up, he wants you to become so paranoid and jealous that you leave, or you become so unbearable to live with that he can justify walking. (his "better than you" family would probably love to hear how you drove him to leave with your constant accusations, rather than hear that their perfect son was having it away with some bird from his office).

I would be VERY annoyed about the whole Xmas pressie thing, from a Mothers point of view! It may not seem too big a deal to others, but that to me is very disrespectful. If she was his PA then its different, but she isn't. Is she married? Have a boyfriend? Family?

Seems this man thinks you can do no better than him, so he can treat you how he wants, because who on Earth could possibly be better than him? You should feel lucky to have him.... what a !!!!!!!!!

I left my husband last year, he was not seeing anyone (although I barely saw him, he was out 4/5/6 nights a week til the small hours and I got to the point where I really didnt even care!). When we got together, I was independent, had lots of friends, went out and had fun. I was HAPPY. Slowly, and without realising it, I turned into a stressed, moaning, downtrodden misery, and I didnt want my son growing up in an unhappy house. I left him 16 months ago. We have never been happier. I am with my new partner and he treats me so well that I truly feel blessed to have him in mine and my sons lives. Me and my ex get on well, and I know he feels bad for the way he treated me, but had I not left I would still be there and I would have ended up hating him.

He doesnt even seem to want to try and work things out with you, just place blame and make you out to be a nagging bore.

Hope you manage to sort this out. Noone should be allowed to make you feel this way xx

^^ Well said.

Cottage_Economy

I'm afraid to say in your place I would be renting a lovely little place with a nice garden then taking my money and my support away from that toxic environment and lavishing it on myself and my children.

You are paying the mortgage on a house that doesn't belong to you and for which you almost certainly never see a penny from after you split up.

With some help from the old stylers board and a rejig of your finances to take account of your single status I would think you would be able to cope on your own fine.

I cannot see what you are getting from this relationship apart from scapegoated. It never ceases to amaze me the number of times I read about people being treated badly and it turns out they are financially supporting the abusive other half!

Take your love, your money and your support and go. Put your children first and then yourself.

geoffky

After what i have read.....Time to run....Good luck.
You will one day say to yourself "What the hell was i thinking!"