How to beat the green eyed monster!

blossomsuz

Typical behaviour of someone who is doing they shouldn't, transferring the blame onto the other party.


This guy sounds like a manipulative so and so.

Reams

He's really messed up your mind. So the beneath him girl from the council estate is keeping his head above water. A form of control. No wonder he won't allow you near his colleagues or family, it's in case you spill the beans. A form of control
I've been through the same. Mine told his family only to contact him on his mobile, scared of what I might tell them. Isolation, a form of control.

I would do two things straight away.
1. Stop paying his mortgage and I mean not another penny and allow the lender to repossess, which will take months. Pocket that money.
2. Let his family and colleagues know, including Miss O'SoHelpful that he cannot afford to even pay his way. Who is going to finance the gifts MOSH is finding for him? Why does he have no money?

He is creating a situation where he can go to this mosh and tell her how he can't stand the aggro you give him every day. Oh woe is me! You are such a bad person and how he suffers. He does it by winding you up until you snap.

I had 20+ years of it but I will give you one example of how I fell into the trap.

OH came downstairs and announced he was off to Rome for the weekend. I was staggered. After a few words he left and you can imagine how I felt. I felt so alone and confused as to what was going on. I found out later, like a year later.

On arrival he started texting about his hotel rubbing my nose in it and I snapped. Sent the most foul mouthed rant that I didn't know I was capable of. There, he had it in writing. The wicked witch he was married to, that he could show to friends and family. Thing is, none of them knew the lead up to it and I didn't fully at the time.

You may find as I did, that the truth only comes out on separation when people start spilling the beans.

The truth on this occasion was he slept with a partner in the business, he booked Rome but she declined so he was forced to go alone.

As he had no one to share it with, that's when he started texting me, his wife to share it with. Much more to the story but not here.

That is just one of many. How he was never prosecuted I have no idea, but I think he paid women off as I've learned there were assaults and complaints, even from a policeman regarding his wife.
I wonder whether this guy is giving the runnaround too.

Frankly I don't see what's in this relationship for you. He's foul mouthed, you're keeping him and his children whilst he bad mouths you behind your back. Puts you down and seeks sex elsewhere.

After 20+ years my biggest regret is not letting others know how I was being cheated on. My darling parents died thinking he was a great husband and father. His family also. No idea what my dad might have done being faced with the truth.

Honest take it from me, get out and never pay another penny into his pocket.

By the way, have you ever found that he lies about stuff, when there was hardly reason to anyway? To big himself up say?

Tell everyone what he's like as you'll never get another chance, including his family.

Reams

Cottage_Economy wrote: »

I'm afraid to say in your place I would be renting a lovely little place with a nice garden then taking my money and my support away from that toxic environment and lavishing it on myself and my children.

You are paying the mortgage on a house that doesn't belong to you and for which you almost certainly never see a penny from after you split up.

With some help from the old stylers board and a rejig of your finances to take account of your single status I would think you would be able to cope on your own fine.

I cannot see what you are getting from this relationship apart from scapegoated. It never ceases to amaze me the number of times I read about people being treated badly and it turns out they are financially supporting the abusive other half!

Take your love, your money and your support and go. Put your children first and then yourself.

Yep, take your money and run girl.

Interested as to why he has no money.

Christmasfairy

Hi, still catching up on replies and have been busy sorting things for him as he has no time apparently.

The money situation is because his job is ending at Easter, therefor he is saving his wages in case he can't find another job as quick as he would like. So at present I am paying for everything.
Although it has crossed my mind he is saving to start again. Really I only pay for things so my childrens home,life isn't disturbed which is the most important thing at the minute.
He called this evening and was pleasant, it takes me by surprise tbh. But no doubt a row will occur later, prob started by me tbh, I'm in a foul mood today, feeling a bit of a fool

couponqueen123

Christmasfairy wrote: »

I have seen her on facebook, but never in person, I have never meet anyone from his work, never been invited to any work outings. Apparently I would embarrass him, of I acted jealously, which I would only do if he was all over another woman? Also, I'm a bit lower class than the people he works with so I think he thinks I would show him up.

I have hardly met any of his family, they are all quite well off and being a girl from a. Council estate he feels it's better to keep us separate.

He just called from work, I tried to say we should talk, he said I was starting and hung up.

I just see no way this will work

me too darling and let me tell you you got more class than they will ever pretend to have;)

in my opinion he needs kicking to the kerb literally:o

why if your that bad dose he stay it dosnt make sence ?

, ill tell you why -- its because your amazing and he knows it

and yes i bet you can be "silly " at times we all are belive me

i once cleared an ex boyfriend wardrobe out he was having affair with trap he worked with i cut all arms n legs off things put beatroot and allsorts of food and drinks all over it baged them up and took it to the pub he worked at and emptied it all over the bar and him
the packed bar on a friday nite erupted in a cheer (might have had a few friends there to watch it)

do not be walked over you are worth more do u have any where to leave to?

p.s dnt do what i did just wanted to make u laugh im in stiches thinking about it now :eek::rotfl:

Watto30

Christmasfairy wrote: »

Hi, still catching up on replies and have been busy sorting things for him as he has no time apparently.

The money situation is because his job is ending at Easter, therefor he is saving his wages in case he can't find another job as quick as he would like. So at present I am paying for everything.
Although it has crossed my mind he is saving to start again. Really I only pay for things so my childrens home,life isn't disturbed which is the most important thing at the minute.
He called this evening and was pleasant, it takes me by surprise tbh. But no doubt a row will occur later, prob started by me tbh, I'm in a foul mood today, feeling a bit of a fool

Hi Christmasfairy,


Sending you a virtual hug as you sound like you really need one, sorry to hear what you are going through, as others have said you are not mad or a jealous lunatic it is his behaviour that is making you feel how you do and no wonder you are stressed and argue so much because thanks to him he is chipping away at your confidence. I have been in your position and mentally it eats away like a constant torment in your mind and all fuelled by the person who is supposed to be your partner, there to love and support you not treat you the way he is.


I am not going to say leave him only you can decide your future but please dont do what I did in the same situation and put up with it for a number of years, became totally miserable and then got dumped like trash when he went off with someone else, very hard at the time but when I look back I think two things, one is what the hell was I thinking sticking with the !!!! and two is that by god do I wish I had had the strength to get up and leave!! time is precious and you deserve happiness.


Just out of interest on the above I find it odd that he is not providing a penny toward the mortgage, bills etc is there any way you could check bank statements etc? I think the job ending in a few months is not a good enough excuse I know technically thats snooping and sorry to be blunt but he is taking the absolute biscuit not just mentally but financially too

MrsAtobe

Christmasfairy wrote: »

I have seen her on facebook, but never in person, I have never meet anyone from his work, never been invited to any work outings. Apparently I would embarrass him, of I acted jealously, which I would only do if he was all over another woman? Also, I'm a bit lower class than the people he works with so I think he thinks I would show him up.

I have hardly met any of his family, they are all quite well off and being a girl from a. Council estate he feels it's better to keep us separate.

He just called from work, I tried to say we should talk, he said I was starting and hung up.

I just see no way this will work

You were good enough to bear his child, but not good enough to meet family and work colleagues? Dearie me, words fail me.

CF, he is an arrant snob! I've said it before on this forum, but my mum (who was a stickler for manners etc) drummed into me that the one thing worse than having no manners was commenting on someone else's and making them feel uncomfortable. The way he's making you feel is far worse than merely uncomfortable, I'm guessing.

On a practical note, I wonder if it's worth you keeping a note of what you are paying for, how much and when. It may stand you in good stead in the months to come.

*Louise*

Wow...the more I hear of this tale the more gobsmacked I am at his behaviour and wonder how you could have put up with it. I'm guessing it's been for the kids but I really think you need to put yourself first now and do what will make you happier in the long run.

I'm not going to say you should leave him...but I hope you do!

FBaby

OP, I think you are right, in his mind, he has already moved, however, he is too much of a coward to do it, so he is waiting for you to break up with him, so he can play the poor victim who wanted to save the family, but you, from your working class background doesn't have those good values, poor poor man.... but it is ok, because he has this good friend who is there for him to help him recover from the betrayal, of course, they were only friends, but she was so supportive in his difficult times, it then led to more gradually in time...

If it was me, I would separate from him, but not kick him out to give the above satisfaction. I would tell him that you can't afford to pay everything any longer, so you still expect him to pay half until next April and then you can help him WHEN he actually doesn't have a job. I would let him get on with this girl. I bet once he doesn't have your jealousy to blame, he won't feel so good about what he does and when you do actually catch him taking things further with her, you can kick him out with the excuse of the affair.

Of course, you can not care at all what others think or that he will play the victim afterwards and just get rid of him right now. He comes across as such a selfish manipulative person, not worth getting at his level. Good luck, it is all very sad, but you will feel so much better once you find yourself again. You deserve so much better.

Ronaldo_Mconaldo

Why did you have a kid with this guy?