How to beat the green eyed monster!

Christmasfairy

Thanks for all the posts, all very helpful. I went to bed early last night and had a think.
I have no doubt the way I behave could be construed as being unreasonable to an outsider, I often think I'm being a bit ott. But it's the fact I know he is hiding his communication with her, that to me is telling me he is doing something he doesn't want me to know about.
He got up for work this morning and was sat in the bathroom texting, I can only assume is was her, it always seems to be in the mornings.
He has a job interview today, I don't know where or who with or anything, sounds awful, I can bet she knows everything, he just tells me nothing now.
He's usually very into Xmas, he gets more excited than the kids, but this year he's like a wet blanket, he can't be bothered.

I think the poster who suggested this woman is a symptom not the problem was right. But my god I could kill her she knows he has a family, but feels it's ok to behave that way? ( him too, he's worse)

pelirocco

Christmasfairy wrote: »

Yes, his answer was to tell me that he will talk to whom he likes when he likes about what he likes. Fair enough, unless you are doing that at the expense of your family.

My insecurities have only surfaced since I have been unfavourably compared to other woman by a man who is supposed to love me. Being blamed because his life is boring, or not how he imagined.

His side is very simple. He's not doing anything. It's all me

Of course if he can blame you for everything he can convince his self he has a clear conscience and has done nothing wrong and ..........'' Who could blame him for looking elsewhere ..''

Classic case of 'my wife doesnt understand me ''

How old is he , he sounds like a child

You say you support him financially , does he have problems with facing financial reality too ?


You could try and convince yourself its a game , and pretend not to care who he is chatting to etc , difficult to do I know , but you wont be giving him any ammunition , and in the meantime have a get away plan , just in case

pelirocco

Carl31 wrote: »

You can only reign it in if you can identify the cause

Have you ever sat down and discussed your insecurities with your partner Rationally? No in the middle of a fight? Explained your side, but also allowed him to explain his side?

I would have thought it bleeding obvious what the cause is

Discounting the secret texts and calls , comparing her unfavourably with another woman , general put downs and saying something along the lines of trading her in for another model , is a sign of what in your books?


I dont normally comment on these types of threads and am not part of the hang him high brigade

but i know mind games when i see them

fake_smile

Hmm some red flags in there. How could a woman in work upset him so much and it upset her to the point of crying all night? Deleing his texts - something to hide.

Saying he'll replace you - lack of respect.

FBaby

I think the poster who suggested this woman is a symptom not the problem was right. But my god I could kill her she knows he has a family, but feels it's ok to behave that way? ( him too, he's worse)

That very much seems to sum up the situation. From her perspective, she is probably considering she is doing nothing wrong as not 'yet' an affair and maybe she is not happy at home either.

It really seems like you have fallen into the trap of the vicious circle where both bring up the worse in each other and it is all spiralling down. It is obvious that the problem is not your jealousy, he is only using this as an excuse to justify that the problem within your relationship is with you. He blames you for your life together being boring and you consider that he has no right to feel this way because of you being a mum and running a house (it isn't it itself).

If you have reached the point where you are even struggling to have a heart to heart without breaking the cycle of blame for even 5 minutes, and without it resulting in a shouting match, it is not looking good as talking and listening about each other's feelings is the only way out. If you can't find a way to do that, together or with a counsellor, there is no point in sticking it together.

Carl31

pelirocco wrote: »

I would have thought it bleeding obvious what the cause is

Discounting the secret texts and calls , comparing her unfavourably with another woman , general put downs and saying something along the lines of trading her in for another model , is a sign of what in your books?


I dont normally comment on these types of threads and am not part of the hang him high brigade

but i know mind games when i see them

Sometimes whats said, and what we hear are 2 different things

Thats just something I was asking the OP to consider

I can say to someone 'Oh, you're doing Ok arent you?' regarding their life position, in a compimentary and positive way

Someone, with a more cynical view may hear 'Oh....you're doing OK...arent you?', taken to me being cynical/jealous. having a dig, depending on their own emotions/feelings at the time

I am just commenting from my own experience

Fuzzy_Duck

Your jealousy is not the problem- it's him. I know it's easy to say 'dump him', but your posts suggest you think you are the one at fault. You're not. It is totally normal for you to be angry and upset when he says such horrible things to you. He is supposed to love and respect you, and from what you've told us I can't see any evidence of that.

It worries me that he has already messed with your head enough to make you think you're the one in the wrong. And that's why I think you should leave him. I know you have children together, but I think it's better in the long run for children to have their parents split up than have parents in an unhappy relationship.

Please get out of this relationship before he ruins your self-esteem even more. You deserve better than him.

couponqueen123

Christmasfairy wrote: »

Thanks.

I was hoping everyone would think I was a bit bunny boiler tbh, I have a horrid gut feeling. For instance, right now he's texting away on his phone, I know the noise it makes when he's texting, I asked who, he said no one , the phone was thrown across the room and he stropped off. Sure enough there are no texts, but he was texting.
The phone goes everywhere with him. He's changed to online billing so I won't see the bills again.

Apparently if I was a half decent girlfriend I wouldn't think he was up to anything, because I'd be doing the job right.

Tbh, at this rate she welcome to the obnoxious fool

pack a bag for you and kids and go stay with family for a few days but tell him youroff if he wants you he will be gutted and fight for you if hes got another woman he will jsut run to her

dnt stay there thinking yr mad and can be "replaced" no one can replace you just he can get another gf tell him that i would

i think hes having an afair it may not be physical yet but it will get there , have u seenthis moman has he envited her over for coffie if there mates

theres was life before this man theres life after (my mum told me this when my marrige broke down and she right i now have mr right :T

SavingPennies_2

Christmasfairy - hope you are feeling better. Do you think for the kids you can put on a brave face over christmas, then start the new year afresh...with or without him.

Christmasfairy

couponqueen123 wrote: »

pack a bag for you and kids and go stay with family for a few days but tell him youroff if he wants you he will be gutted and fight for you if hes got another woman he will jsut run to her

dnt stay there thinking yr mad and can be "replaced" no one can replace you just he can get another gf tell him that i would

i think hes having an afair it may not be physical yet but it will get there , have u seenthis moman has he envited her over for coffie if there mates

theres was life before this man theres life after (my mum told me this when my marrige broke down and she right i now have mr right :T

I have seen her on facebook, but never in person, I have never meet anyone from his work, never been invited to any work outings. Apparently I would embarrass him, of I acted jealously, which I would only do if he was all over another woman? Also, I'm a bit lower class than the people he works with so I think he thinks I would show him up.

I have hardly met any of his family, they are all quite well off and being a girl from a. Council estate he feels it's better to keep us separate.

He just called from work, I tried to say we should talk, he said I was starting and hung up.

I just see no way this will work