How to beat the green eyed monster!

Carl31

Christmasfairy wrote: »

I have had counselling, and at present am seeing a counsellor, however, she has also said that for my jealousy to ease, it can't be fed by another person, as I said he seems to get off on it.

But yes I agree I need to learn to reign it in

You can only reign it in if you can identify the cause

Have you ever sat down and discussed your insecurities with your partner Rationally? No in the middle of a fight? Explained your side, but also allowed him to explain his side?

Christmasfairy

Carl31 wrote: »

You can only reign it in if you can identify the cause

Have you ever sat down and discussed your insecurities with your partner Rationally? No in the middle of a fight? Explained your side, but also allowed him to explain his side?

Yes, his answer was to tell me that he will talk to whom he likes when he likes about what he likes. Fair enough, unless you are doing that at the expense of your family.

My insecurities have only surfaced since I have been unfavourably compared to other woman by a man who is supposed to love me. Being blamed because his life is boring, or not how he imagined.

His side is very simple. He's not doing anything. It's all me

Carl31

Christmasfairy wrote: »

Yes, his answer was to tell me that he will talk to whom he likes when he likes about what he likes. Fair enough, unless you are doing that at the expense of your family.

My insecurities have only surfaced since I have been unfavourably compared to other woman by a man who is supposed to love me. Being blamed because his life is boring, or not how he imagined.

His side is very simple. He's not doing anything. It's all me

I think your problem is far too deep to find answers talking to strangers on a forum. The answers you get from your posts may give you some justification for your side of the argument, but no one will ever get the truth behind the situation, what you or he has really said, what has really gone on. Im sure your husbands version of events is worlds aprart from whats said on here

Get a professional opinion, explain your thoughts and behaviours and see what they suggest. If you're already seeing a counsellor, get their opinion and advice n how to deal with the situation. People on here can't help

Christmasfairy

Carl31 wrote: »

I think your problem is far too deep to find answers talking to strangers on a forum. The answers you get from your posts may give you some justification for your side of the argument, but no one will ever get the truth behind the situation, what you or he has really said, what has really gone on. Im sure your husbands version of events is worlds aprart from whats said on here

Get a professional opinion, explain your thoughts and behaviours and see what they suggest. If you're already seeing a counsellor, get their opinion and advice n how to deal with the situation. People on here can't help

Well I don't agree, people on here can offer there advice and opinions on the story as told by me admittedly but I don't feel I have painted myself as an angel or lied.

Your opinion is slightly one sided also, determined to paint me as some sort or irrational man hater. But thank you for your input. It's appreciated.

My counsellor as I have said has suggested you cannot resolve conflict whilst one party denies responsibility or feeds the problem

meritaten

Christmasfairy wrote: »

My problem is hat she isn't the first person who I have felt he has crossed the line with, although this one is his type physically, tall blonde skinny, the exact opposite of me, which he gladly told me, several times.
At times, I think he actually like making me feel so insecure, it's almost like he finds it amusing. It used to really eat at me, to the point I would feel sick and not be able to think straight.

Recently all I feel is a bit p'd off like, if you want to spend your time chatting to her and telling her everything, go do it somewhere else.

So he told me sort my jealousy out or this will not last. I'm now wondering if I even want it to. But then maybe that's what he wants me to do

oh I would take great pleasure in turning it back on him! as in 'Stop messing me about darling or you are out of here ASAP!'
but, that's ME. I wouldn't have put up with this.

as for your feeling he wants YOU to be the one to end it - I think you may be right. Its as if he is 'Provoking you'. he hasn't the guts to tell you he thinks the relationship isn't working and wants you to do the 'dirty work'.

So do it! you will be better off without him. scary I know, but hun, be the strong one - because he sounds like the sort of week bloke every woman can do without!

Netwizard

I'm a bloke, and i'd say trust your gut.

Guy sounds like an !!!!!!. If he's going to treat you like this, I'd be gone.

Life is too short to be unhappy. Sorry.

geoffky

He is playing mind games...Stop them..

*Louise*

Having a close friend that you turn to is brilliant, whatever the sex of that person, but if you are putting them before your partner and confiding in them more then it does become a problem.

To be honest, the friendship seems the lesser of the issues- I would never forgive my husband if he were callous enough to say he would 'replace me' and compare me unfavourably against other women. That isn' t the behaviour of someone in love

Carl31

Christmasfairy wrote: »

Well I don't agree, people on here can offer there advice and opinions on the story as told by me admittedly but I don't feel I have painted myself as an !!!!!! or lied.

Your opinion is slightly one sided also, determined to paint me as some sort or irrational man hater. But thank you for your input. It's appreciated.

My counsellor as I have said has suggested you cannot resolve conflict whilst one party denies responsibility or feeds the problem

Sorry, I wasnt trying paint you as a bad person, I don't believe you are at all, the point I was trying to make was that sometimes, depending on our emotions or current trail of thought, how we perceive things can differ from what they truly are, a bit like the way a text message can be read in different ways, and get different meanings, even though its the same words

I am currently at rhe end of a similar situation with my wife, it started with jealousy, but after lots of work, counselling, CBT and medication we managed to almost get to the bottom of it. Human thought is quite complex and its amazing the affect it can have on relationships

Anoneemoose

I haven't read all of this but your first post sounded like what I could have written about my DH. He is 'close' to his boss. He texts her and he turned to her during his job interview process. At the time I felt so undermined but after advice from the good folk on here, I realise that it was ME with the issue and I was insecure.

The main difference between my situation and yours is that my DH was mostly completely up front about this. He also reassured me consistently that there was nothing untoward and that they were just friends. He certainly has NEVER been nasty or made snide, hurtful comments comparing me with her. The only thing I would say he has done wrong is he 'hid' some texts to her - and this was because he assumed I was going to be 'like his ex' (who was horribly contolling) so he though it would he easier to hide when he was texting her. He then told me because he hated feeling like he had to hide it when there was nothing going on.

Sorry for waffling but the point i am trying to make is that in my case, I have no reason to feel so upset because although there has been 'crossed wires and lack of communication' (on both parts), my DH has been kind and reassuring. Your OH on the other hand is being deliberately hurtful. That, even without the 'other woman' is cause for concern. But, I think it is one of the most horrible things someone can do to their supposed loved one when they nastily 'compare' them with someone else.

I am sorry if I have repeated anything already discussed but I do think you need to assess your situation and think about whether you can get past this - or, most importantly, whether you actually want to bearing in mind how your OH is being with you.

I hope things work out how you want them to. Good luck.xx