Jealous, upset and no idea what to do

lostinrates

love_lifer wrote: »

I thinktherapy for you sounds the best option. And I'm concerned your partner won't talk about it, thats really disrespectful and cruel given how strongly you feel. Talking is essential. Perhaps he's not actually the great catch you thought? Therapy or counselling could help unpick a range of issues.

Good luck op

It's very hard to talk about painful things with some one you love. Its probably even harder if they have self damaging tendencies like alcoholism. What you say can cause them to spiral further as its dissected and parts are focused on. Your conversations, meant to be part of helping, can fuel the fire, at least short and medium term.

I doubt this is painless for a loving partner.

Daxx

My other half has never officially been tested for infertility. He has been told that as he has KF he is unlikely to be fertile. Do you know if your OH has been tested? That might be the first thing to find out.

We have been advised that they won't test him until we have been 'trying' for a year.

If there is a small chance he is fertile no doctors/hospital will help until you aren't reliant on alcohol.

At the moment it's you that has control over the situation. Not your OH. Once you have dealt with this then you can address the fertility issue.

emmaj30

I totally appreciate that when you were 22 (9 years ago) you were not in that place to have kids and your OH was right being completely honest with you in regards to his genetic situation.

Move forward 9 years aged 31. A lot has moved on in the world of making babies and whilst I understand that he can probably almost definitely never have kids, there are things they can do for you.
You need to sort out your feelings and opinions on the matter first and although he has said that you knew about this , it doesnt stop you going down a different route.
Is he totally against adoption and donor sperm?
How much in 9 years time will you regret not having this baby?
If he refuses to discuss this or comes out with the same old line then you have to think he is really the right guy for you. Im not suggesting splitting up but sometimes life takes you on a different route then you thought it would.
Now is the prime time for you and deciding to go forth in having child with or without him. Dont leave it to late and regret it if thats what you want...
At least you can admit to your problems with alochol and that is a major step.. good luck and hope you get what you want

tayforth

tayforth wrote: »

OP - are you sure of your own fertility?

justanopinion wrote: »

I don't know if I'm fertile or not, as I've never actually been in a position to find out.

Thanks for all the other posts. Xx

I hope that you didn't take offence at my question. I asked because a friend of mine was in a similar situation - her fiance found out that he was infertile, and after a lot of soul searching she went ahead with the wedding (they agreed to try sperm donation). Then, after seeing the doctor about SD, she found out that she was also infertile. So it's something to bear in mind. They eventually adopted two children, btw.

Everyone assumes that they are able to conceive until they're told otherwise, it's human nature.

There's a lot of good advice on this thread, I hope that it's helping you to think through everything. I wish you all the best xxx

carefullycautious

There has been a study regarding links to alcohol and being childless. If you google you should find out about this Danish study.

Big hugs to you for being brave and acknowledging your problems a lot of people can't/won't.

carefullycautious

Tygermoth wrote: »

Um, i may be off the path on this one.

I think, maybe, this is a diversionary issue? you have all these problems which you feel you cant surmount but you are obsessing (using the term lightly) over a fact you were aware of previously. Even though emotionally and physically you are in no shape to deal with the burdens a small child would make on your life. Even in a perfect world your OH could give you what you wanted....

I have a family member with addiction issues and she does this all the time. focuses on one aspect of her life labels its as 'that's the problem, if I could sort that out everything else would be a just little bit better'

in the fervent secret hope this thing she wants with be the kick-starter, the ignition point where change happens, the one little thing that will steam roller her into change....it will be the pivot point..... when it doe not miraculously lead to the self improvement she wanted she beats herself up and sinks further into the abyss of her own making. she then uses her 'failure' as a further stick to beat herself with and immediately pick another 'problem' to worry at starting the cycle again. sometimes she chooses insurmountable goals, no win situations, ones she cant gain, or come out on top and seems to revel in the self fulfilling punishment she gives herself when she falls down.... oooooops getting off track here...

What made me think of this was your alcohol issues, you gained treatment but immediately your eating problem awoke.

Its easier for her to believe (or hope with all her heart) that there will be the golden ring, the one magical thing that will pull her out of the dark mire rather than the commitment, time, effort and hard mental work she needs to to to get to where she wants. Sadly she just cant cope with that reality of committing to the long haul or deal with the hard work it will entail...... so holds on to the golden ring daydream.

Its her vicious cycle and no one, regardless of profession or family love, can free her because she refuses to free herself. there is always a reason to stay in that prison of her own making. always.

Oddly enough recently she has decided that being a mother will be the catalyst she needs. Someone who she has to be better for, someone who relies on her totally. for a Baby she will have to clean up. A baby will give her life a goal, a central point...... a Baby will be a new start and make everything better...

I agree with the above 100percent and was going to write that the baby child issue may be a red herring. However see my op regarding recent studies surrounding the issues of being childless and mental health problems.

The op has to want to get better for herself not cling onto a magic answer that will solve all of life's problems.

justanopinion

Afternoon all - thanks for all the replies. I've re-read the entire thread and there has been some amazing support and advice. No, Tayforth, not offended at all - sorry if it looked that way be me saying thanks for all the other posts. Yours was included in that thanks. Questions don't bother me at all, I am trying to be honest with myself and anyone kind enough to reply to me.

I'm in a much better place than I was yesterday. Reading back, I can see how emotional I was. Yes, many of you are correct that this isn't all about babies. That was really just the trigger this week as it were, as it makes me focus so much on the future.

I've been to the support group today and it has given me renewed vigour to keep pursuing this. We were talking about getting through Christmas and the pressures we would face. Talking to people who are experiencing the same is really helpful.

I know I will never be happy or even content whilst I keep drinking. Yes, it is the main issue. It's a cover up for a lot of self-loathing and lack of self-esteem that goes back years. My feelings haven't changed since the time I was Bulimic really.

I currently have Christmas music on and have just finished the housework. Considering two week's ago I barely got out of bed for three days, I consider this progress really.

Thanks for giving me so much to think about. x

tayforth

Oh - so glad that you're not offended! And it's good to hear that you're feeling more positive and have had some support from your group.

Sometimes problems can overwhelm us. As I said, I was a low as a snake's belly 8 months ago, I couldn't see the wood for the trees. Here's my thread - read the first few posts, you'll get an idea of how miserable I was.
https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/4538789

The amazing posters on here helped me so much, and now (to cut a long story short) I'm feeling happier than I have in ages. And I hope that you'll have a similar journey and be able to deal with each of your problems in turn. It can be done!

Keep us posted xx

FBaby

I just wanted to say that feeling extremely broody at times is nothing to feel bad about, even if we know deep inside that it is not the right time to think about having a baby. Broodiness is not something we can control when it hits us, what we can do though is consider what we want to do about it. So don't get angry or upset with yourself for it, it is ok to let it get to you at times and if anything your hubby should understand and support you when you do get hit by it.

justanopinion

Hi Tayforth, I've read your thread and updates. You've come a long way since those first days and I think you're an inspiration to be honest. I've lurked a long, long time on this board. I just don't feel like I could ever post constructive and helpful replies to most of the dilemmas!

Merry Christmas.