Jealous, upset and no idea what to do

HPoirot

justanopinion wrote: »

If I stop drinking it doesn't miraculously mean we will be able to have children though. The issue is still there. Addiction is hell.

This is exactly the kind of excuse I make to myself to justify the fags. It is still an excuse though. Nobody has ever needed fags, alcohol or another addiction to make life decisions for them.

justanopinion

No worries with going armchair psychologist on me at all!

The twice weekly support sessions are groups run by the local drug and alcohol service.

I do want to stop but yes, I know what you mean in wanting it enough. I don't want to live like it anymore, but I know that if I stop I have to make huge changes in my life. And that means having to take responsibility for my own happiness. And realistically, that means leaving the man I love as we can never have the family I want.

justanopinion

Agreed, Hpoirot. I'm just afraid to make the decisions!

X

HPoirot

Could it be you are blowing it out of proportion? What is so pressing about making this decision, do you absolutely need to have a child within the next year?

It will be so much easier if you tackle your problems one at a time.

lostinrates

justanopinion wrote: »

No worries with going armchair psychologist on me at all!

The twice weekly support sessions are groups run by the local drug and alcohol service.

I do want to stop but yes, I know what you mean in wanting it enough. I don't want to live like it anymore, but I know that if I stop I have to make huge changes in my life. And that means having to take responsibility for my own happiness. And realistically, that means leaving the man I love as we can never have the family I want.

It certainly means considering it.

Seriously.

You have to consider both 'worst' and 'best' out comes.

Worsts:

Staying and living without children

Leaving and potentially still not having children.



Bests.....
Leaving and meeting someone you love as much and having a family

Staying and finding he will enter dialogue into alternatives in the future




Personally, I'm glad my husband chose stay, I wish we'd found a 'alternative route to parent hood' that we were both happy with, but I cannot imagine either of us leaving the other.

Incidentally, I cannot imagine starting a family with a man I could would consider leaving either. Could it be comfort and lack of self esteem and habit rather than love you are feeling?


All this is premature.....

justanopinion

No I don't. It's just seeing his siblings having children. We're actually the eldest. It's just making me reflect more.

But yes, the first thing I have to is stop pouring booze down my neck to numb my feelings. There's a lot more to the issues than just the children thing, but that all seems self pitying and cliche to go into really.

Lunar_Eclipse

justanopinion wrote: »

And realistically, that means leaving the man I love as we can never have the family I want.

Sadly lots of people can't have the family they want. It would also be very foolish to do this without being sure YOU can have children!

Having said that, I agree with previous posters that you need to be in a stronger place physically and emotionally before you address this major life decision.

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time and wish you all the best in overcoming your issues. Remember that a journey of 1000 miles starts with a single step. Everyone can take that step. And then just try very hard to keep putting one foot in front of another. If you go sideways or backwards for a while, all is not lost! You can most certainly do this and see happiness again.

Finally, because I've been watching too many Christmas movies already, realise that no one knows when they'll take their last breath, and many people would give their right arm 'just' to experience love and be loved. Please try to appreciate what you already have.

Tygermoth

Um, i may be off the path on this one.

I think, maybe, this is a diversionary issue? you have all these problems which you feel you cant surmount but you are obsessing (using the term lightly) over a fact you were aware of previously. Even though emotionally and physically you are in no shape to deal with the burdens a small child would make on your life. Even in a perfect world your OH could give you what you wanted....

I have a family member with addiction issues and she does this all the time. focuses on one aspect of her life labels its as 'that's the problem, if I could sort that out everything else would be a just little bit better'

in the fervent secret hope this thing she wants with be the kick-starter, the ignition point where change happens, the one little thing that will steam roller her into change....it will be the pivot point..... when it doe not miraculously lead to the self improvement she wanted she beats herself up and sinks further into the abyss of her own making. she then uses her 'failure' as a further stick to beat herself with and immediately pick another 'problem' to worry at starting the cycle again. sometimes she chooses insurmountable goals, no win situations, ones she cant gain, or come out on top and seems to revel in the self fulfilling punishment she gives herself when she falls down.... oooooops getting off track here...

What made me think of this was your alcohol issues, you gained treatment but immediately your eating problem awoke.

Its easier for her to believe (or hope with all her heart) that there will be the golden ring, the one magical thing that will pull her out of the dark mire rather than the commitment, time, effort and hard mental work she needs to to to get to where she wants. Sadly she just cant cope with that reality of committing to the long haul or deal with the hard work it will entail...... so holds on to the golden ring daydream.

Its her vicious cycle and no one, regardless of profession or family love, can free her because she refuses to free herself. there is always a reason to stay in that prison of her own making. always.

Oddly enough recently she has decided that being a mother will be the catalyst she needs. Someone who she has to be better for, someone who relies on her totally. for a Baby she will have to clean up. A baby will give her life a goal, a central point...... a Baby will be a new start and make everything better...

love_lifer

I thinktherapy for you sounds the best option. And I'm concerned your partner won't talk about it, thats really disrespectful and cruel given how strongly you feel. Talking is essential. Perhaps he's not actually the great catch you thought? Therapy or counselling could help unpick a range of issues.

Good luck op

FBaby

And that means having to take responsibility for my own happiness. And realistically, that means leaving the man I love as we can never have the family I want.

I think this is a dangerous assumption. It means you are assuming that you will need a family to be happy. That is not the case. What you need is to learn to be appreciate what you have and not obsessed with what you don't have. That will lead to happiness. Now it could mean you leave the man your love, go for one night stands to get pregnant at any cost, end up with your dream up baby, but miss your man desperately and still feel very depressed. Or you could leave your man, find another one, have the perfect family, but still wish you had your baby with your current man instead of the other man and still feel very depressed.

Happiness is an internal process, not a quest to look for what you assume will make you happy.