Jealous, upset and no idea what to do

tayforth

justanopinion wrote: »

Hi Tayforth, I've read your thread and updates. You've come a long way since those first days and I think you're an inspiration to be honest. I've lurked a long, long time on this board. I just don't feel like I could ever post constructive and helpful replies to most of the dilemmas!

Merry Christmas.

Same to you! :A

And don't ever feel that your contribution wouldn't be valued - I know from experience that even just a quick 'thinking of you' post can mean the world to someone who's going through a hard time xx

itsanne

OP, I'm pleased to see that you are feeling better than yesterday.

Even better is your acknowledgement of the need to stop drinking. To help with motivation in that respect, it is worth bearing in mind that in addition to the possibility of foetal alcohol syndrome http://www.patient.co.uk/doctor/fetal-alcohol-syndrome-pro should you conceive while drinking and the danger you would be to a baby, alcohol also reduces fertility. So stopping drinking will help your fertility.

Others have already posted about how advances in reproductive medicine might be of help to your OH. That in turn, though, leads to the questions which have been asked, including by you, about your relationship in the long term. You say that you love your partner but question staying with him if it means forgoing children. Only you can answer that, but I have one or two observations to make:

You are with a partner you say you love. Many people do not have that luxury but would very much like to be in such a relationship. If you are considering leaving him, do you really love him?

If you leave your OH because of his lack of fertility, there is no guarantee that you will meet someone else with whom to have children. If you do meet someone else, there is no guarantee that you are fertile - as well as alcohol having an effect on fertility, so can bulimia.

Your OH has been criticised as being unsupportive. Actually, I don't think he has been. He won't marry you while you have your "issues", but he's still with you. I can't find a way of saying this which doesn't sound unkind, but from what you have said you won't be easy to live with. I truly don't mean that unkindly, but you are thinking of leaving him and it might be worth thinking about everything he copes with before judging him. The fact that he's still there says a lot about how supportive he is.

I think it would be beneficial to have some things to do. You have given up work and are at home with a lot of time on your hands - time to sit and brood about things, which invariably makes them worse. If you don't have particular interests, perhaps getting involved in some form of volunteering would help. It's amazing how focusing on other people's problems can lessen our own. Even going out walking would get you out of the house. All that depends, of course, on your own health. ("Considering two week's ago I barely got out of bed for three days.")

On a completely different note, you say, "I've lurked a long, long time on this board. I just don't feel like I could ever post constructive and helpful replies to most of the dilemmas!" When you are feeling less fragile, I'm confident you will be able to give very constructive advice. After all, you have had plenty of experience to have learned from!

lostinrates

Glad today is not bleak.

Try and remember in the bleak days that we do go up and down.....it can be hard on grey days to remember summer though! And fbaby also said something wise...broodiness is normal...if women who have children, in women who don't, sometimes in men, and sometimes in people who buy little dogs instead of babies as a diversionary tactic.

Even those of us who have met a sort of truce with emotions on this still get broody sometimes, well...I do.

Keep singing, it helps, in all seriousness, singing and dancing helps.

justanopinion

Singing does help! Thankfully, I was not in front of an X Factor panel earlier when I was warbling, "All I want for Christmas is yooouuuuuuuuuu" in a very painful cracked soprano.

It's true, I have a lot to be grateful for and I have allowed myself to get to the stage where I am just wallowing.

In response to how my OH is. Well, he does have his problems as most people do. He is awfully lazy with housework and he has a very short temper. Not with me, just in general. He also suffered very badly from his diagnosis and struggles with his lack of fertility. Being a tech geek, he also goes on far too much about techie things that go over my head! But he is also very kind-hearted and last week sent me a Christmas bouquet with the message of, "Merry early Christmas and I hope this cheers you up." He has the bluest eyes.

Ugh, I sound soppy as now.

Thanks as always for your replies to me. Am reading and re-reading and not feeling quite as alone and trapped in my own self-made hell.

dancingfairy

Hi. A few thoughts from me:
I think you need to try and put the baby issue to one side for now. You need to try and do things for you. The main thing obviously is to try and deal with the drinking. I think also you need to try and get some structure back in your life. It is very easy to sit around at home all day and hate the world. You really need to try and get back out there. Is there anything you could do as a hobby? maybe a dance class or join a tennis club? something based on exercise would be good but anything where you can meet other people and talk/think about normal things other than alcohol and babies. What about volunteering? maybe with animals? they give unconditional love and don't care about your issues - all they need is love and attention etc.
Another thing that struck me is that you may (or may not) be able to have kids but that doesn't mean that you can't be a great auntie. You could be depriving yourself and your nieces and nephews of something?
You also need to try and deal with all the issues that you are facing. Alchohol is not actually solving the problem. All it is doing is hiding the problem(s) In fact you may find that it is making it worse. Fear and avoiding the problem may be worse than actually thinking about the problem in a calm way. Like someone else has said - you don't need to do anything now. It's not like you suddenly wake up one day and decide to leave them. You need to think through all the options and make a considered decision. You obviously need counselling to help you try and face these difficult things and find a way of moving forward.
Best of Luck
df

justanopinion

Evening all - I had a bad few days that culminated on me breaking down earlier when I went to local alcohol support group. I know it will be alien to some, but alcohol withdrawal can you give you the most crippling anxiety and it's not just mental, it's physical. I wanted to claw my skin off. Sobbing it out helped.

What set me off was on Friday going to visit my OH's mum and his sister popped round with the baby. I am genuinely so happy for her, had cuddles etc, but it made me so sad. If I confess that I drank over two litres of vodka at the weekend, it will give you an idea. I cannot even eat properly at the moment as my tummy is so inflamed and acidic. Mad. Just mad.

In the new year, I will meet with the support's doctor and they are hopefully going to support me through a proper detox. I cannot do it on my own. I have Googled prices and the cheapest inpatient rehab for 4 weeks is nearly 4k. At the clinic I was in before they charge 5.5k for a 10 day detox. Ouch.

Now for the Christmas fun.

Wishing all a lovely Christmas. I will get there. Xxx

When_the_going_gets_tough

OP I am so sorry life is so hard for you and I hope that you get the support you need to move forward in the New Year. Christmas can be a cruel time.

kboss2010

As harsh as it sounds, it seems to me like you are the one who has changed. He sounds like he's been honest and upfront from the start about not wanting children. You need to decide if you love him enough to give up your potential future children for him. My guess would be that if you feel so strongly about wanting kids then if you stay together you will just grow to resent and blame him.

amanda47

justanopinion wrote: »

Evening all - I had a bad few days that culminated on me breaking down earlier when I went to local alcohol support group. I know it will be alien to some, but alcohol withdrawal can you give you the most crippling anxiety and it's not just mental, it's physical. I wanted to claw my skin off. Sobbing it out helped.

What set me off was on Friday going to visit my OH's mum and his sister popped round with the baby. I am genuinely so happy for her, had cuddles etc, but it made me so sad. If I confess that I drank over two litres of vodka at the weekend, it will give you an idea. I cannot even eat properly at the moment as my tummy is so inflamed and acidic. Mad. Just mad.

In the new year, I will meet with the support's doctor and they are hopefully going to support me through a proper detox. I cannot do it on my own. I have Googled prices and the cheapest inpatient rehab for 4 weeks is nearly 4k. At the clinic I was in before they charge 5.5k for a 10 day detox. Ouch.

Now for the Christmas fun.

Wishing all a lovely Christmas. I will get there. Xxx

You've had some fantastic advice and support from people on this forum well done all.
Only you can change your life. 2 litters of Vodka in one weekend !! its a wonder your still here to tell us all. I do know what your going through I had a friend who was an alcoholic, her trouble was she wouldn't admit it till it was too late, she died three years ago and I miss her so much. I wish you well on your journey of getting your life back.

DigForVictory

We're still here. Watching & waiting & hoping & praying.
We can't take your pain away, but we can urge you to get all the help you can, as an individual & as part of a couple, and cheer you as you go!
You've cuddled the baby & lived & doubtless said all the appropriate hypocrisies. Now retreat from extended family & work on healing?