Advice urgently needed - what would you do?

thewildthings

Sorry but aside from moving your son to another school- I would be reporting the current one to OFSTED and the like. A teacher bullying- and another insisting that bullying and assaulting someone is "banter"? They don't deserve to be in job- and the amount of DECENT people I know with PGCEs at the like who are out of work *shakes head*

I'm so sorry your son is going through this- it happened to me at school as well. My parents wouldn't move me so I had to put up with it and it still affects me 9 years later and I have crippling anxiety. I've been in therapy for over 3 years because of it- I just can't let go.

Please, please PLEASE don't keep him there. Move and risk the chance that it will follow him.

Also- I know people who were home schooled and were never "isolated"- they joined groups and met up with other home schooled children in the daytime.

*hugs* to you both.

animalhouse

Thank you all for your replies (I've just got back from work, then taking DS to his music lesson, hence the delay in coming back to you).

The physical bullying started at the beginning of year 4 at primary school. It started with name calling, then kicks and punches, then regular beating up, ending up with DS being beaten up outside Assembly in front of the teachers. I had regularly gone to the head who refused to take action, saying that DS had a problem getting on with others. DS told his form tutor that he had been beaten up and this teacher told him in front of the bullies that he should stop being a baby - the violence escalated then and moved outside school, leading to DS being unable to play outside, whereupon I threatened school and parents with the police.
We moved DS to a new school and he thrived and was very happy for the two years that he was there.

When DS moved up to secondary school, the bullies moved up to the same school and the whole saga started again.

This school have tried to sort the bullies out, but it is now a large gang, taking it in turns to beat him up, taunt him and generally make his life hell.

He has been regularly beaten up - on one occasion he ended up in hospital to have scan for suspected neck injuries. A teacher stopped the beating and was shocked at the violence. The head of year still asked DS if he was sure it wasn't banter.

I got it a bit wrong about the drama teacher - it was one of the bullies who shouted let's have a democratic vote, not the teacher. However, the teacher refused to intervene and DS 'lost it'. I think we'd need to do a bit more digging to find out exactly what happened. The principle is the same - he was being bullied and she did not intervene.

This is not in DS imagination, he has not instigated it in any way - he is bright, plays in a rock band out of school and is in top sets in all his subjects. He was popular in the last years of primary school (the new one) and was constantly out playing with friends.

I strongly feel that he has been let down time and time again by the professionals who are supposed to support him. Calling the bullying banter just gives the bullies permission to carry on. I get the impression that the school are fed up of him and fed up of me.

DH has been chatting to DS through the course of today and while DS was at his rock school lesson told me that he is complete agreement that DS should move. DS wants to go to school on Monday (?!) so we have told him that he can, but that if anything kicks off, he is to go to student reception, call home and his Dad will come and pick him up.

I've asked for a meeting with the head, and will be contacting a different, smaller, local school to see if they have room for him.

Phew - that was a long one!

We all feel happier that we have come to a decision as a family and that we know what we are all going to do.

Ironically, DS has said that he knows if he leaves that X, another of his friends, will be next in line becase when DS left his first primary this other poor lad was immediately made the whipping boy and the school again did absolutely nothing about it.

jellyhead

Maybe X's parents could move X then ... are you in touch with them?

What happened to your boy in year 4 is terrible - my youngest is in year 4 and the thought of him being beaten up in front of a teacher and the teacher blaming him, well ... he wouldn't be going back to that school!

The drama teacher should not be allowing pupils to dictate the lesson and carry out votes ... this teacher needs to learn how to control a class and act like the grown up! School talked about my eldest in year 8 having a 'pass' that would allow him to leave a classroom if he felt that he was going to 'lose it', and go to the pastoral office. This only came about because he had already 'lost it' though.

animalhouse wrote: »

Thank you all for your replies (I've just got back from work, then taking DS to his music lesson, hence the delay in coming back to you).

The physical bullying started at the beginning of year 4 at primary school. It started with name calling, then kicks and punches, then regular beating up, ending up with DS being beaten up outside Assembly in front of the teachers. I had regularly gone to the head who refused to take action, saying that DS had a problem getting on with others. DS told his form tutor that he had been beaten up and this teacher told him in front of the bullies that he should stop being a baby - the violence escalated then and moved outside school, leading to DS being unable to play outside, whereupon I threatened school and parents with the police.
We moved DS to a new school and he thrived and was very happy for the two years that he was there.

When DS moved up to secondary school, the bullies moved up to the same school and the whole saga started again.

This school have tried to sort the bullies out, but it is now a large gang, taking it in turns to beat him up, taunt him and generally make his life hell.

He has been regularly beaten up - on one occasion he ended up in hospital to have scan for suspected neck injuries. A teacher stopped the beating and was shocked at the violence. The head of year still asked DS if he was sure it wasn't banter.

I got it a bit wrong about the drama teacher - it was one of the bullies who shouted let's have a democratic vote, not the teacher. However, the teacher refused to intervene and DS 'lost it'. I think we'd need to do a bit more digging to find out exactly what happened. The principle is the same - he was being bullied and she did not intervene.

This is not in DS imagination, he has not instigated it in any way - he is bright, plays in a rock band out of school and is in top sets in all his subjects. He was popular in the last years of primary school (the new one) and was constantly out playing with friends.

I strongly feel that he has been let down time and time again by the professionals who are supposed to support him. Calling the bullying banter just gives the bullies permission to carry on. I get the impression that the school are fed up of him and fed up of me.

DH has been chatting to DS through the course of today and while DS was at his rock school lesson told me that he is complete agreement that DS should move. DS wants to go to school on Monday (?!) so we have told him that he can, but that if anything kicks off, he is to go to student reception, call home and his Dad will come and pick him up.

I've asked for a meeting with the head, and will be contacting a different, smaller, local school to see if they have room for him.

Phew - that was a long one!

We all feel happier that we have come to a decision as a family and that we know what we are all going to do.

Ironically, DS has said that he knows if he leaves that X, another of his friends, will be next in line becase when DS left his first primary this other poor lad was immediately made the whipping boy and the school again did absolutely nothing about it.

mountainofdebt

i'm so pleased that you, as a family, have come to this decision - makes the way forward so much easier.

I agree that it might be an idea to give X's parents the heads up - you don't have to be dramatic, just write/email to them saying that your son is moving schools and the reason why, and that your son has said that he feels X will be next in line. That way at least they can keep a discrete eye on the situation.

Bella56

mountainofdebt wrote: »

I agree that it might be an idea to give X's parents the heads up - you don't have to be dramatic, just write/email to them saying that your son is moving schools and the reason why, and that your son has said that he feels X will be next in line. That way at least they can keep a discrete eye on the situation.

That is great advice. I think that children tend not to tell their parents everything, so X's parents might have no idea what he could be up against.

NY1986

Glad that you removing your son from this school. A school is somewhere that you should be able to trust with your children not have them in tears because of bullying.

Is he on social networking sites like Facebook, twitter etc? Can you temporarily deactivate the account until the bullying is resolved to ensure it doesn't spread online?

I was bullied in school for many years, which resulted in me self harming throughout my teens as that was the only way I could 'deal' with it emotionally. Something that I've never told anyone close to me (I suspect that know but I've never actually confirmed). I also suffered (after I stopped self harming) with depression for a long time and it's only now at 26 that I'm out the other side.

meritaten

also, may I say that parents who do not deal with bullying and make their child go to school lose all their childrens respect. my sons first year in comp I wasn't aware of bullying issues (because my DD was in her last year there and swiftly dealt with the bullies!) it was when she left it started in earnest and tbh - I believed what the school was telling me - son was provoking the bullies, he was 'difficult' etc. but boys two years older than him beating him up causing a broken nose and broken ribs? he DESERVED THAT? any verbal or physical violence towards another pupil shouldn't be tolerated - and the victim shouldn't be blamed!

it took a lot of talking and explaining to son to regain his confidence in us as parents - I still feel very guilty now - it turned out to be so easy to get him enrolled at a far better school! and I can totally understand how he felt we were letting him down at the time.

animalhouse

Thank you all again.
DS is not on facebook as we felt it was too much of a risk.
X's mum is a friend and as soon as DS is out of the school I'll be letting her know. I know that she'll be very worried, but can't second-guess what she will do.
People's replies here have really validated what I/we were feeling - with the school not taking it seriously I was feeling uncertain as well as upset and angry. The advice on here has helped us move forward faster and I thank you all, and especially those who were so kind to pm me. I do appreciate it.
Anyway, I'm off to bed for a good night's sleep with a bit of luck!
Wishing you all a very good night too.

LydiaJ

marisco wrote: »

I can understand you wanting to transfer your son to a new school. Unfortunately it is most likely he is going to come across others of the same vein to the bullies he knows now. Every school has them. You cant run away from problems and unless he learns how to handle himself and deal with this kind of situation then he will encounter bullying again.

I disagree. I think animalhouse is doing exactly the right thing taking her son out of this school where he is unsafe. Life is all very well for the children who are able to "handle themselves" in the way you talk about, but the truth is that not all children can, and they shouldn't have to. The idea that it is in some way good for them to suffer if they are not able to deal effectively with bullies by themselves was pretty common 50 years ago, but I don't believe it has any place in this century.

And yes, he may encounter bullies again, but as meritaten has posted (see below) just because there are bullies in all schools doesn't mean to say that all schools allow them to get away with it.

meritaten wrote: »

all I want to say now is that I moved my son to a different school when he went through similar - and that school although it was the same LEA - within a couple of miles of previous school - it was worlds away from the previous school.
at interview I asked the headmaster if there was a bullying problem in school and he said (and I can quote this - its engraved in my brain) "All schools have a bullying problem, its how its dealt with that counts, and in MY school it isn't tolerated".
this is what decided us on this school - total honesty from the head!
and he was right - the school didn't tolerate it, the staff didn't tolerate it and even the pupils didn't tolerate it! (they did have a very large Learning Difficulties Unit in the school - so that may be what made the difference?).

My son was bullied at primary school. Not beaten up, but name calling, and general annoyance - turning the computer off at the wall just as he was about to save his work, that sort of thing. I complained to the school, but nothing was done. I became cynical about schools' ability and/or willingness to deal with bullying at all.

He moved up to secondary school. His primary school bullies did not go to the same school as him. All was well for a couple of terms, and then a boy at the secondary school started on him. To start with, I advised him to keep away from him, not rise to it, etc etc. Then he started telling me what this boy was saying, and I realised it was the sort of thing that would land an adult on a harassment charge if they said it in the workplace. I emailed his tutor. What happened next was such an eye-opener to me. I got a reply immediately, promising action and asking me to reassure him that he'd done the right thing to report it. He was seen by the head of year the next day. The bully was seen by the head of year the next day too. The school's advertised no tolerance policy swung into action, and since then the bully has left him alone. My cynicism evaporated and I realised it was a failing of his particular primary school, not all schools.

So yes, I agree with meritaten. All schools have bullies. Some schools deal with them effectively. Find such a school and get your son into it. Oh, and my son's school is not great at dealing with learning difficulties, so don't use that as your criteria for whether they'll be any good at dealing with bullying. Any school will tell you that they don't tolerate bullying, but the thing is to ask them HOW they deal with it when it occurs, and what systems they have in place to prevent it. If they answer vaguely, you can bet they will be useless about it.

animalhouse wrote: »

Thank you all again.
DS is not on facebook as we felt it was too much of a risk.
X's mum is a friend and as soon as DS is out of the school I'll be letting her know. I know that she'll be very worried, but can't second-guess what she will do.
People's replies here have really validated what I/we were feeling - with the school not taking it seriously I was feeling uncertain as well as upset and angry. The advice on here has helped us move forward faster and I thank you all, and especially those who were so kind to pm me. I do appreciate it.
Anyway, I'm off to bed for a good night's sleep with a bit of luck!
Wishing you all a very good night too.

Well done. :T

Mojisola

animalhouse wrote: »

The physical bullying started at the beginning of year 4 at primary school. It started with name calling, then kicks and punches, then regular beating up, ending up with DS being beaten up outside Assembly in front of the teachers.

DS told his form tutor that he had been beaten up and this teacher told him in front of the bullies that he should stop being a baby - the violence escalated then and moved outside school, leading to DS being unable to play outside, whereupon I threatened school and parents with the police.

When DS moved up to secondary school, the bullies moved up to the same school and the whole saga started again.

This school have tried to sort the bullies out, but it is now a large gang, taking it in turns to beat him up, taunt him and generally make his life hell.

He has been regularly beaten up - on one occasion he ended up in hospital to have scan for suspected neck injuries. A teacher stopped the beating and was shocked at the violence.

I can't understand the people who think that bullying is a normal part of children's life and that, if you are the victim, it must be something you're doing that is making others attack you.

If you were going into work and getting this kind of treatment, would you think it was your fault and that you just had to put up with it? If you got attacked every time you went to your local supermarket, would you keep going to the same place week after week?

These little thugs are continuing to bully children in secondary school because it wasn't dealt with in their primary school. They are now being allowed to get away with it again by inadequate teachers.

There are benefits to building confidence in children who have been bullied and this may stop them being bullied but it won't stop the bullies moving onto someone else.