Advice urgently needed - what would you do?

poet123

This is a general comment and in no way related to the OP or her son, and I agree with what Mojisola says but working in education I have seen another side to bullying that as a parent I wouldn't have experienced or perhaps even accepted.

You can have a child who just has the type of personality that niggles at others, who makes "funny" comments about others, who "accidentally" puts his bag in the way so someone else falls over it, who drops others in it, who stirs it in friendship groups by saying he said/she said, who boasts incessantly about what he has, who moves from person to person covertly causing havoc and leaving a trail of nastiness beneath the surface.

All this goes on and is masked by the usual hustle and bustle of a classroom so often the nuances go unnoticed. Often the child is sweetness and light to the staff. Then it erupts and the other kids turn on the child who has, sometimes for years, been behaving in this way. He is then at the centre of a bullying issue and everyone else is in the wrong (which, of course they are because two wrongs don't make a right) but none of the above is taken account of. And, of course his parents believe he is destined for sainthood!! It is hard to deal with this kind of problem because their are "rights" on both sides" and how many of us as parents have said you have to fight back and they will leave you alone? But often when you do it ends as badly for that person too.

I have an issue of the above nature going on at the moment in my class of 17 year olds.....it is insidious, time consuming and wearing to be constantly on guard for the undercurrent rearing up. However, it is part of my job to do it, and it is not something to be shirked.

Bullying by its very nature is covert, insiduous, fluid, and damaging and it is hard for schools to deal with effectively. It is the mark of a good school that accepts the existence of it anywhere kids gather together and acknowledges that it is their job to eradicate it or at the very least deal with every case with zero tolerance. That doesn't make it an easy job.

CharllieSays

Get him out of there. Either to another school or home-school until his GCSE's are done and he is able to go to college elsewhere. I was bullied physically at school and it still affects me (as stupid as that may sound). I have also tutored kids that were taken out of school for being bullied and they thrived (one girl managed to get straight A grades in the end and has gone on to Cambridge - this would never have happened had she stayed in school). If there isn't another school available and you are able to home-school, then have a look for home-school groups online (many organise meet ups) and enroll your son in clubs/activities in the evenings/weekends. At the end of the day, less socialization is far better that detrimental socialization. Just my two cents.

meritaten

I am so pleased you are taking action animalhouse - and you are doing it as a 'family unit'!

I hope his next school cares for and nurtures him! A good school is ever vigilant for bullying and in the best of schools the pupils themselves report it! it is then dealt with swiftly and appropriately in line with the school policy. any school can produce a 'bullying policy document' - the test is whether they actually IMPLEMENT it!

rpc

If, after you move, you do complain about the school then I think I would also write to the GTC and name every teacher that has acted improperly. At least some of them sounds like they shouldn't be teaching.

http://www.gtcs.org.uk/fitness-to-teach/teacher-complaints.aspx

meritaten

poet123 wrote: »

This is a general comment and in no way related to the OP or her son, and I agree with what Mojisola says but working in education I have seen another side to bullying that as a parent I wouldn't have experienced or perhaps even accepted.

You can have a child who just has the type of personality that niggles at others, who makes "funny" comments about others, who "accidentally" puts his bag in the way so someone else falls over it, who drops others in it, who stirs it in friendship groups by saying he said/she said, who boasts incessantly about what he has, who moves from person to person covertly causing havoc and leaving a trail of nastiness beneath the surface.

All this goes on and is masked by the usual hustle and bustle of a classroom so often the nuances go unnoticed. Often the child is sweetness and light to the staff. Then it erupts and the other kids turn on the child who has, sometimes for years, been behaving in this way. He is then at the centre of a bullying issue and everyone else is in the wrong (which, of course they are because two wrongs don't make a right) but none of the above is taken account of. And, of course his parents believe he is destined for sainthood!! It is hard to deal with this kind of problem because their are "rights" on both sides" and how many of us as parents have said you have to fight back and they will leave you alone? But often when you do it ends as badly for that person too.

I have an issue of the above nature going on at the moment in my class of 17 year olds.....it is insidious, time consuming and wearing to be constantly on guard for the undercurrent rearing up. However, it is part of my job to do it, and it is not something to be shirked.

Bullying by its very nature is covert, insiduous, fluid, and damaging and it is hard for schools to deal with effectively. It is the mark of a good school that accepts the existence of it anywhere kids gather together and acknowledges that it is their job to eradicate it or at the very least deal with every case with zero tolerance. That doesn't make it an easy job.

Not Always Poet! in fact in this very thread the child was beaten up in front of staff! I wouldn't call that covert! I would call that the bullies knowing they would get away with it! and a valuable life lesson would have been learned by them if they had been excluded immediately. Instead the victim then got bullied by the teacher - which validated THIER actions! how are children supposed to learn how to behave in society if schools actively condone bullying?

and just because someone is 'annoying', or boastful (usually a sign of a kid with parents who have more money than time for them), or is geeky or nerdy - it is still NOT acceptable to bully them. I am sure you didn't mean your post to come across as 'well I cant blame other kids if they pick on these'! but that is exactly what it reads like to me.

and the school my son was transferred into didn't seem to find it 'hard' to deal with bullying. it was reported, it was dealt with. They didn't seem to find it hard.

poet123

meritaten wrote: »

Not Always Poet! in fact in this very thread the child was beaten up in front of staff! I wouldn't call that covert! I would call that the bullies knowing they would get away with it! and a valuable life lesson would have been learned by them if they had been excluded immediately. Instead the victim then got bullied by the teacher - which validated THIER actions! how are children supposed to learn how to behave in society if schools actively condone bullying?

and just because someone is 'annoying', or boastful (usually a sign of a kid with parents who have more money than time for them), or is geeky or nerdy - it is still NOT acceptable to bully them. I am sure you didn't mean your post to come across as 'well I cant blame other kids if they pick on these'! but that is exactly what it reads like to me.

Then you have an issue with comprehension or with me;) My money is on the latter given your previous posts. Re read my post and take careful note of my comments.

Yorkie1

Carl31 wrote: »

No, but we are assuming things are as described. The point I was making is that when we are down, things that may be a joke or said in jest can be taken out of context or confused. Do you really think a teacher would pick on a single child? If so, why this boy? Why not all the hundreds of others they teach? its just odd that during a spell when the boy is feeling low anyway, a teacher has then also decided to join in with everyone else?

When I was bullied in (what is now) year 9, part of it involved other pupils telling me I couldn't sit with them because they wanted to sit together. So, to avoid the issue, I always sat on my own, at a desk right at the front of the classroom.

The other pupils thought this was great, and constantly taunted me about it.

The teacher, a relatively young lady if memory serves right, probably didn't have a lot of time for me and thought it was great fun to join in with the other pupils in their 'harmless banter'. So yes, teachers can join in.

meritaten wrote: »

I am so pleased you are taking action animalhouse - and you are doing it as a 'family unit'!

I hope his next school cares for and nurtures him! A good school is ever vigilant for bullying and in the best of schools the pupils themselves report it! it is then dealt with swiftly and appropriately in line with the school policy. any school can produce a 'bullying policy document' - the test is whether they actually IMPLEMENT it!

+1.

meritaten

lol - I am not getting into one of your 'debates' Poet. find another patsy!

top_drawer_2

paulineb wrote: »

Teachers dont pick on a single child? I bet some teachers do.

From the incident the way it was described, it didnt sound much like jest to me.

They most certainly do! I think its a an old-fashioned method of instilling willingness to behave properly. In class 4 a teacher made a point of being critical on everything I did / made an example of me repeatedly / took the p!ss often at my efforts to recite my timetables.

I was an obviously "weak" child in terms of having the parents who weren't "available" / was often late because the car broke down, my Mum got up late or was "ill" (again). I also showed obvious signs of a lack of care in terms of not having changed my clothes / dirty PE kit / never having looking at my reading book / done spellings and compared to the rest of the class this was absolute polar opposite as it was a very Christian well off area.

Ironically someone I went to school with has posted some pictures and other bits on a closed group on faceboss and one of the items is a Day Book entry stating that her "favourite place in the world is school because she really likes Mrs Xxxx. Mrs Xxxx is very nice to her and says she has lovely writing." I thought I saw this teacher awhile ago in the town centre and even now, aged 31 years old she turned my innards to water.

Its possible that the teacher has found your child to be an easy target in some way, its also possible that your child is "difficult" in some way which has made choosing a victim easier.

So yes it does happen. All professions have some !!!!!! in them.

ash28

poet123 wrote: »

This is a general comment and in no way related to the OP or her son, and I agree with what Mojisola says but working in education I have seen another side to bullying that as a parent I wouldn't have experienced or perhaps even accepted.

You can have a child who just has the type of personality that niggles at others, who makes "funny" comments about others, who "accidentally" puts his bag in the way so someone else falls over it, who drops others in it, who stirs it in friendship groups by saying he said/she said, who boasts incessantly about what he has, who moves from person to person covertly causing havoc and leaving a trail of nastiness beneath the surface.

All this goes on and is masked by the usual hustle and bustle of a classroom so often the nuances go unnoticed. Often the child is sweetness and light to the staff. Then it erupts and the other kids turn on the child who has, sometimes for years, been behaving in this way. He is then at the centre of a bullying issue and everyone else is in the wrong (which, of course they are because two wrongs don't make a right) but none of the above is taken account of. And, of course his parents believe he is destined for sainthood!! It is hard to deal with this kind of problem because their are "rights" on both sides" and how many of us as parents have said you have to fight back and they will leave you alone? But often when you do it ends as badly for that person too.

I have an issue of the above nature going on at the moment in my class of 17 year olds.....it is insidious, time consuming and wearing to be constantly on guard for the undercurrent rearing up. However, it is part of my job to do it, and it is not something to be shirked.

Bullying by its very nature is covert, insiduous, fluid, and damaging and it is hard for schools to deal with effectively. It is the mark of a good school that accepts the existence of it anywhere kids gather together and acknowledges that it is their job to eradicate it or at the very least deal with every case with zero tolerance. That doesn't make it an easy job.

We are bringing up our 12 year old grandson, and moved to our current location just over 2 years ago. We had lived in our previous area all of GS's life.

One of his friends.....GS met him on his visit to his new school (junior school year 6) and they became friends. From the very first it he continually put GS down, was always in charge and it was his way or no way. GS's stuff was always rubbished or fake......which is interesting as we are not hard up and he has never had fake anything....I just put that down to jealousy.

His father is exactly the same and seems to have a bit of a problem with people who have more than they do.....they are fairly near neighbours.

It got worse in year 7 and it began to get a little bit physical.....his friend would hit him with his school bag on the way to and from the school bus etc. Put him in a headlock etc in the playground. Nothing drastic but it was a lot of little things. And GS always did as his friend told him. His friend bullied him....but not in the usual way.....he undermined every thing he did, made him the butt of jokes.....he was rubbish at football, he was rubbish at school, every thing he had the friend had bigger and better and when the physical stuff started the friend was doing to GS what his father did to him.....rough physical play. I'm fairly sure there was no real intent to hurt him. However GS wasn't used to it and didn't like it.

There were days when GS was upset, didn't want to go to school because of it. Over the course of the year 7 it was resolved.

One day GS just stopped speaking to him, stopped calling for him (they used to walk to the school bus together) and really just started ignoring him. More or less cut all contact (his decision), his real worry was that would have no friends, that by ignoring his friend he would lose his other friends and he did. You can't go to the school because they have no friends.

I told GS not to worry, he would soon make other friends (the group didn't really participate but found it funny), GS was very upset at the fact he wouldn't have any friends....he did make more friends. Lots more friends. The group of friends he initially had were the ones who went from his junior school. The split meant he made new friends.

Eventually they became friends again, GS started mixing with the group again and everything was fine for a couple of months and it all started up again.......but this time it wasn't GS who was excluded by the group it was his friend. The friend's parents couldn't understand why he had no friends, though I think his mother knew why. And the friend having no friends lasted until GS decided to include him (from the Whitsun holiday until they returned to school after the October half term).....retribution or what. Up to now there has been no repeat and I doubt there will be, even if there is GS is more than able to deal with it now. He has grown up a lot in the last 12 months.

One of the good things to come out of it (after a year of grief) was GS discovered he was popular in school and seems to have a wide circle of friends across all year groups....he thought his friend was popular and it turned out that once he was away from his friend and the group the opposite was true. It has improved his self esteem and confidence a lot.

The school have recently made him a mentor to some of the younger children. He sounds like a saint but in reality is a real pain in the backside.

At his parents evening his tutor said it was good to see that GS had begun to assert himself and actually be himself, and be less influenced by some others - he said there were too many people around to mention names but we would know who he meant. So I think in a round about way he was saying that he had been aware of what was going on.

I don't know how a situation like GS's could be resolved by the school to be honest as it wasn't particularly physical in any way that couldn't be explained by rough play, he wasn't deliberately excluded from anything by them....it just wasn't very nice.

Should we have complained to the school - perhaps - if the issue hadn't been resolved we may have done but it didn't seem to be bullying in the normal sense. There were no physical attacks, no outright name calling, no real intimidation, he wasn't beaten up or verbally abused.

One other thing that has come out it.....GS had a text from a girl and we were teasing him about it (currently girls are just one step away from being the devil incarnate)...turns out she was being picked on by a group of other girls and he wanted her to have a friend.

For me it was quite difficult to know what to do to be honest. I'd never suffered from bullying in any form and neither had any of our children - it was something well outside my experience.