Advice urgently needed - what would you do?

animalhouse

Well, the deed is done. DS school has been told that he isn't coming back. The head of year called me back and we had a polite but ultimately unhelpful conversation so no surprises there.
On a better note, I've had an initial talk with one of the staff at the new school, who said that the situation wasn't uncommon and that lots of children move around at year 8. She said she thought the school had places but couldn't promise. I hope to be able to speak to the admissions administrator tomorrow (we played telephone message ping pong today!) so fingers crossed.
We've decided not to tell any of DS' friends that he is moving school, or to tell any of the parents if they ask. We don't want any stirring at the new school....
I'd like to make the point that DS was a perfectly normal, active, happy boy before all this started back in the day. Which came first - being beaten up, or crying? Well, done's done and we're all so happy to be able to move on.
Thank you all again for sharing your experiences and advice, I hope to be able to help people in the same way on these forums in the future.
xxx

meritaten

thanks for updating! I hope your son never again has to put up with this appalling behaviour! My best wishes to him and you for the future!
and well done for taking decisive action!

Savvy_Sue

What struck me earlier in this thread was the OP saying that the same crowd of children were fine at football, not fine at school.

Which indicates to me that in one situation, their behaviour has consequences, and in the other they can get away with it.

animalhouse

We've done a lot of family talking. We're all bruised, especially DS.
Don't blame my boy. You can blame me - and I do very much. But dont; you dare try and say that my beautiful, innocent, fun loving boy was to blame for being smashed by thugs who knew no better.

itsanne

Animalhouse, what you and your son have experienced is shocking. No wonder you are very angry. I wonder if it would be worth taking photographs of the bruises and giving them to the school to force them to acknowledge that there has been a serious problem. The same people who have bullied your son may go on to bully others once he has gone.

The move to a new school is definitely warranted and I hope your son has the same experience as when he previously moved.

My daughter was bullied at primary school, not the kind of bullying which would cause bruises but things like exclusion and name calling, bumping her table when she wrote, pretending a propelling pencil was a syringe and asking other children in her class if they would like to be inoculated against her. . . enough that she cried herself to sleep and also said she wanted to die. Like yours, our experience of the school dealing with it was abysmal - why would the ringleader deny these things if he admitted others, completely ignoring that he only admitted the things he'd been caught at etc.

We decided to send her to high school in a nearby town, away from everyone, despite her saying she wanted to go with everyone else. At the age of 28 she will quite openly say it was the best decision we ever made. She flourished and had absolutely no problems with anyone throughout her time at high school. The circle of friends she made there still keep in touch with each other and meet up whenever possible.

It wasn't my daughter's fault that she had the misfortune to be picked on by a group of bullies at a school which was incompetent at dealing with the situation. It isn't your son's fault either. But neither is it yours. Of course you're beating yourself up that you had not realised how bad things had become, but the point is that you didn't know.

Things aren't finished with yet as you'll be officially complaining about what has happened to your son, but he is not going back into the situation so please try to relax a bit in the knowledge that he is safe. I very much hope that he will have a similar experience to my daughter's and have a very positive experience at his new school.

animalhouse

Thank you Itsanne, I'm not altogether myself at this moment. The new school has been very understanding, - to the extent that I started to cry, but they were still understanding and dealt with me with kindness and humour.

I told the head of year (at the old school) that once DS left, the lads would pick on someone else, and she just couldn't get it.

Plus ca change, plus ca meme chose.

suelizab

animalhouse, there will be people reading your posts who know exactly how you feel but cannot verbalise it. We all know what goes on but just don't know how to cope or stop it. many of us have had children in the same situation but were never able to help them besides moving schools. Bullying in schools and workplaces will go on . some of these bullies go on to teach in primary/secondary schools - we know who they are. You are not to blame .

animalhouse

Thank you. I know I;m not to blame as such, but I did fail in to the 'man-up', ignore it,... etc. position.
Through this thread and support from friends at work, DH, I, and DS (reluctantly) decided that enough was enough. DS is already so much happier.
It's odd, but it is now the decision has been made and acted upon that I'm so much more angry. I will be making formal complaints about specific incidents. The head of year asked me if I wanted her to investigate what had happened. I was gobsmacked and said that it was not up to me what they did - I had informed them of my sons' experiences and did they really need advice on how to go forward? I then said again about the lad who was likely to be next in line, and she said that she didn't think there would be a problem as X was not the same as my son.

Big sigh.....

Anyway, 3 hours till DH is off to work so I'll behave and go to bed now.
Thanks for your patience and support while I went off on one...

Truly, madly, appreciatively..


xx

slightlyconfused1

Just wanted to say please don't blame yourself anymore than you would blame your son. These creatures are disgusting and the school, by not stamping on the behaviour, have encouraged it.

I sometimes wonder if individuals who try and put the blame on the victim are/ have been bullies themselves and are trying to justify their past behaviour.

Please remember that you have always done the best you can by your son, using the information that you had. Your son, because he is a loving decent lad, tried to protect you from the hurt.

You are moving forward. The new school will be your son's chance to start again. He can hold his head high and so can you.

As for the old school? I would make as much trouble as I could. I would take pictures of the bruises and make a complaint to the police. But your best revenge will be when your son flourishes and does well and the other creatures, eventually get what they deserve (karma)

Mojisola

animalhouse wrote: »

It's odd, but it is now the decision has been made and acted upon that I'm so much more angry. I will be making formal complaints about specific incidents.

The head of year asked me if I wanted her to investigate what had happened. I was gobsmacked and said that it was not up to me what they did - I had informed them of my sons' experiences and did they really need advice on how to go forward? I then said again about the lad who was likely to be next in line, and she said that she didn't think there would be a problem as X was not the same as my son.

It's good that you will make complaints even though your son is now out of this appalling situation.

Keep your complaint as factual and objective as possible (so that the school can't explain you away as a neurotic parent) and copy everything to the local authority and OFSTED and your MP.