Advice urgently needed - what would you do?

Saturnalia

Paulineb has got it completely right. If someone comes to you and reports they are being bullied, you listen, take it seriously, and make the victim feel they are being believed. Then you probe into it and try to find out what really happened.

Making the victim feel they aren't believed, it was their fault, they misread the situation etc etc. leads to a culture where bullying flourishes. Because victims know there's no point reporting. Bullies know they can get away with it and get bolder. Other kids align themselves with the bullies because if they try and go against them, they'll be bullied next. And the adults who should be stamping this out get to pretend they didn't see or hear anything.

No it isn't easy to solve. But if adults are keeping an eye on the kid who says they are being bullied, it'll shed more light on what is actually happening in that situation. It's the first step at least and a school should be quick about taking it.

GoldenShadow

I'm not a parent either, but posting anyway..!

I would get your son out of their ASAP. Use his leaving as the opportunity to cite the explicit reasons for this move, ie. the school completely and utterly failing your son in their duty of care.

I don't think you can ever truly rectify situations like this, not unless there are ringleaders coercing everyone else into doing it. But then you need all of the ringleaders to be moved else its still not going to rectify itself. The odds of that happening just seem non existent and I think your son's best chance of a happy school life are by moving elsewhere.

Does he want to move schools? If he does then I think that speaks volumes. A lot of kids hate their school but not quite enough to leave everyone they know. Don't forget that come year 10/11 he will have GCSEs and now is probably a pretty good time to uproot, so to speak.

My 14YO cousin is being bullied by some older girls. She has good friends and its just the older ones. They're hanging in because the older ones will have left by the summer and aside from them things are generally OK. She has had a lot of time off school and was desperate to be homeschooled, though

DKLS

animalhouse wrote: »

it seems that us telling him to let a teacher know when he's being bullied has backfired in a big way.

I see the law of the playground is still as active as it ever was!, my suggestion would be to sign up your son for some form of martial arts not so much that he learns how to kick butt but more to boost his confidence and give him useful skills.

z.n

So so sorry for your DS. Heartbreaking. We were caught in a similar situation at primary school and for various reasons stuck with it for an extra 4 terms. We then pulled DS and DD out and moved to another school. The cultures of the two schools were chalk and cheese. Only a few minutes apart but opposite ends of the spectrum. The staff at the first seemed to enjoy the bullying -maybe an old fashioned idea it was character building or something. At the second the mantra was respect for all- and that included respect of children by staff, consideration for others and tolerance of difference. The change in DS was magical and we kicked ourselves for not moving sooner. It took about a term before DS fully relaxed-he was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. The change also meant he could see that there were other ways of managing frustration/settling disputes (ie without violence or shame.)

Lots of people move their kids to different schools- each will have its own ethos and style. It is a case of finding one that fits-until a child can relax and feel safe they simply cannot learn.

Noonar

There should be a student support team at your Son's school who should look into the situation. They should take statements from your son and then from the bully and witnesses (the children should be kept apart while writing these reports). These should then be reviewed and dealt with. Student support can try all sorts of techniques to resolve a situation like this, including conflict resolution.

A phone call to the Headteacher would be my first port of call Monday morning to discuss the situation (ask him about the school's anti-bullying policy and perhaps ask for a copy).

I know it will be hard, but try and stay calm, in my experience parents who remain calm and reasonable get the best response and outcomes from schools.

Are there any other children the class who your son likes - can you encourage him to move his friendship group? Perhaps invite this child round?

Mojisola

paulineb wrote: »

Teachers dont pick on a single child? I bet some teachers do.

Quite right - not all teachers are capable professionals.

Some inadequate teachers do use a technique of bullying one or two children in order to get the rest of the children on their side. I've seen this in action but it's usually a sign of a very poor headteacher so expecting the school to handle it rarely works.

jellyhead

I think there is bullying within all schools, but how school deals with it definitely makes a difference.

Ask for a meeting, and see how you feel afterwards. After mine I felt encouraged and came away with the impression that school wanted to make my child feel safe and confident. If they tell you he shouldn't be a crybaby, and they don't take what happened in the drama and PE classes more seriously, then I would think about moving schools.

My son had a difficult year 8, and the head of pastoral care told me that in general kids like him (a bit odd, shy, completely different tastes in music, TV, clothing, etc. to the mainstream) find their feet in year 9 as the kids are all discovering who they are and more of them move away from the 'mainstream' and make up their own minds about whether to bully the 'odd' children or accept them.

In my son's case we decided for him to stay at that school because he was so shy, and knowing a few people made all the difference to him. BUT the difference is that he was not bullied by a whole class, and the teachers wouldn't have joined in. There was one incident with a teacher in year 9 but that was dealt with very well by the school.

From talking to other parents what made up my mind about him staying in that school was the school's attitude which was all about building up his confidence and making him happier in his own skin and feeling able to ignore the bullies. Other parents talked about their children's schools not dealing with it as a problem, making it all about the child's faults, saying the child just needed to toughen up and grow a thicker skin, etc.

I only had to deal with his school twice, but there was another mum (of a girl who was quite difficult to get along with) who was often in there, and even though privately they might have thought oh no, not you again, they always gave good advice about finding the girl some outside interests to build her confidence, getting her to join lunchtime clubs in school, etc. and they quite often changed the seating arrangements to move her away from whichever particular girl was making her upset.

Top_Girl

Go to the Head with dates and times of him being bullied by both the children and the teachers, this is what this is. It is absolutely unacceptable for the teachers to treat your son in this way.

If you have the childcare capacity, pull your son straight out of this school, unauthorised and let the powers that be come to you if they want to.

Give the Head 72 hours to come back to you with a satisfactory response.

If no satisfactory response is forthcoming, contact the LEA and your MP.

If within a week, you are dissatisfied with their handling of the situation, go to the press. Name and shame every single person you have spoken to who has let your son down.

This abhorrent bullying of your child is unacceptable, it's not your fault or his, now is the time to deal with this and quickly.

Sadly, I think ultimately your son will have to change schools, but highlighting these problems will hopefully help stop another child having to go through this.

Wilma33

Why did you move him in year 4? If it was because of bullying again then by moving him again I fear you are teaching him to run away from his problems. It might be better to talk through situations with him and discuss good ways of dealing with them. Having said that, the head teachers attitude sounds terrible so I would be tempted to move him.

poet123

Top_Girl wrote: »

Go to the Head with dates and times of him being bullied by both the children and the teachers, this is what this is. It is absolutely unacceptable for the teachers to treat your son in this way.

If you have the childcare capacity, pull your son straight out of this school, unauthorised and let the powers that be come to you if they want to.

Give the Head 72 hours to come back to you with a satisfactory response.

If no satisfactory response is forthcoming, contact the LEA and your MP.

If within a week, you are dissatisfied with their handling of the situation, go to the press. Name and shame every single person you have spoken to who has let your son down.

This abhorrent bullying of your child is unacceptable, it's not your fault or his, now is the time to deal with this and quickly.

Sadly, I think ultimately your son will have to change schools, but highlighting these problems will hopefully help stop another child having to go through this.

I think that it is easy to have a knee jerk reaction to this type of issue, it is very emotive and as a parent you feel like a tigress protecting their young. But, tempting though it is to do some of the above, such actions will not help your child in the long run. Temporarily, they may make you feel better but your child is the one who has to go out of the door every morning and face the repercussions.