Advice urgently needed - what would you do?

animalhouse

Slightlyconfused1
You're right, this has been the staff response right from year 4. We moved DS at the end of year 4 to a new school and he thrived. It all started again when the bullies from the old school moved up with him to the (enormous) secondary school.
I do hope you can get the school to sort it out and wish you all the best of luck.

Dozey_crow

Hi,

I am not a parent but I have been in a similar situation to your DS at school and it is horrible... my heart goes out to him. At the same time I applaud you for being such a good mum and doing your best to help.

I was in a similar situation and it was decided that I should stay at the same school and bullies would be'dealt with'. yes they did not openly attack me either verbally or physically after my parents complained but they shunned and excluded me and nothing could be done about that. If I could turn back time I would have wanted to move schools.

Oh and one of the main ringleaders in my case had very wealthy, influential parents on the pta which is why the school were so reticent to do anything about my situation. Intact when their darling daughter got called a name by a new girl they went in all find blazing threatening this, that and the other and the new girl was expelled for the days. May be worth checking the semantics of the pta. The second moral is they that makes the most fuss gets results!! Go for three school with all you have... Provided your soon is happy for you to do this and isn't in the firing line,

With regards to the football team it helpsTo have something that you are good at, it gives confidence and boosts self-esteem so I understand why he is so keen to continue. Is there any scope to enroll him in an additional interest to such as karate or playing an instrument or joining a band? In the longer term it would widen his social circle and give him friends with another common interest.

In terms of support I think he just needs to hear that you and your husband are fully behind him, will support him and help him (which I have no doubt you have done already!). Poor lad but with your support and goodness he will get through it.

Wishing you all the best of luck

meritaten

all I want to say now is that I moved my son to a different school when he went through similar - and that school although it was the same LEA - within a couple of miles of previous school - it was worlds away from the previous school.
at interview I asked the headmaster if there was a bullying problem in school and he said (and I can quote this - its engraved in my brain) "All schools have a bullying problem, its how its dealt with that counts, and in MY school it isn't tolerated".
this is what decided us on this school - total honesty from the head!
and he was right - the school didn't tolerate it, the staff didn't tolerate it and even the pupils didn't tolerate it! (they did have a very large Learning Difficulties Unit in the school - so that may be what made the difference?).

mountainofdebt

I can't believe that the teachers are condoning the bullying......I think I would be camped in the reception monday morning if that had happened to Junior.

OP I think you need to spend this weekend thinking of ALL the alternatives as it seems that this school is not the environment for your son....and the sooner your OH realises that the better.

DigForVictory

Just the drama teacher episode alone would have me seeking out the Head. It isn't the Only episode, you now know it, and so this weekend is the right time to start preparations for moving school.

Have you asked your son if he wants to move schools? As a "yes" at this stage will make all negotiations about changing school, & seeking evidence proving to the old school that they were wrong about bullying, easier. If it's just because he is afraid trouble will follow him, then let the truth that this may be so be acknowledged.
However, if he moves now, he's got time to make new friends as well as ones who don't beat him up off the football pitch. Which he seems unlikely to be allowed to do at his existing school. Framed as a choice between more friends & ongoing misery, he's more likely to cooperate.

Football - keep playing though if the bullies have spread malicious gossip then he may get his satisfaction on the pitch, & none at all changing etc. Just another aspect to be managed initially. "Cry baby & a tell tale" eh? There's a good start on evidence of verbal harassment for school. If you can get another football mum to repeat that slander on the playground in staff hearing, so much the better.

Any evidence of physical abuse should show up on a medical examination, so get him to a medic pronto, ask for that specific examination and both you & doc document the findings. Doesn't need to be up to court evidence standards, but enough to jolt the complacent teachers out of this "banter" line.

balletshoes

claire16c wrote: »

That's good - he's not doing gcses etc yet so if you're going to move him it's an ok time in terms of that.

I'd rather move & risk it following him.

I agree - if you're going to move him, do it this year. Get on the phone to the other local schools you would consider sending him to, then when you have a place for him, tell his school that you are removing him, and why (they have not fulfilled their duty of care of your son despite bringing to their attention the bullying thats been going on - name names, specific instances, all of them, and copy it to the headmaster and board if they have one).

Your son's wellbeing is too important to ignore this or do nothing about it.

daisiegg

animalhouse wrote: »

He says that he doesn't know who the ringleaders are (but I don't believe him) and that he can't tell who has hit him first, but that they then all join in.

He ususally sits with a group of his friends in class, but they have now said that he is not to sit at their tables. This led to him looking for a new table to sit at and the whole class saying that they didn't want him at their tables. This happened in Literacy, history and then in PE no-one would pick him for their rugby team, even though he was the last man left, both teams said they didn't want him. I don't know how the teacher handled that.

In Drama today, DS again wasn't allowed to sit with his usual 'friends' so sat at a different table learning his part. One of the bullies came over and told him that he wasn't that part any more, he (the bully was it). DS told the teacher, who said to the whole class, "Let's have a democratic vote, who wants DS to be .....?" Whereupon the class all shouted "No-one!" and the teacher told DS to sit down. He told me that he then became very upset and ended up in trouble for that.

I am going to make a complaint about that.

TBH the more I think about the situation the angrier I feel. I've left a message for the headmaster asking for a meeting.

This is absolutely disgusting. Ask the school's policy on seating plans. He should not have the opportunity to be wandering around lessons trying to find somewhere to sit and nor should the bullies have the opportunity to exclude him in lessons! Our school has a policy of seating plans and we are regularly told 'x is having a problem with y, can you change your seating plans around and put x next to someone nice and sensible' etc. They should also not be letting the students choose their own groups to work with if there are friendship or bullying issues. All your son's teachers should be told there is an issue and that they need to put the class into groups when necessary, rather than letting them choose themselves. To be honest they should be doing this a lot of the time anyway to help with differentiation!

As for the drama teacher, that is just awful. You should definitely be demanding a meeting with the head on Monday. Schools have a duty to take bullying incredibly seriously. I can't comprehend why a teacher would do what that teacher did. I have taught drama in the past and have had similar situations (usually with b*tchy girls excluding someone) and while it is very difficult to handle, there are other ways!

I feel so sad for your son. School should be a safe and happy environment

FBaby

Ignoring the issue because of an issue of definition ie. 'banter' vs 'bullying' is totally unprofessional. It doesn't matter what you call it, the fact is your son is very upset and this is affecting his emotional well-being and schooling therefore needs to be sorted regardless of what the school consider it to be.

Saying that, I can't help but think of what my DD (year 9) told me last week-end. She said she was upset for one of her classmate because after being excluded, she was now regularly picked on and teased and it upset the girl. My DD said she didn't like it and tried to comfort her, however, she said that the problem is that she is not an easy girl to get along with. She is very bossy and always want to tell people what to do, she is very confrontational and always disagree with whatever ideas others come up with, and then sulks when she doesn't get her way. She said that she boasts a lot about her home life and how she does things at home and this alienates people, but she can't see it. I have to say that I did meet this girl briefly when we had the open day this year and I did find her arrogant and rude when I asked her a question and she responded in a very patronising way.

I am definitely not saying that this is the case with your son, but at the same time, it might be worth considering the potential reasons for your son being picked on as he seems to be, as in the end, it is easier to try to change one's way than others.

Regardless, go back to the Headoffice and tell him that his response his unnacceptable and he does need to look into it.

Carl31

My stepdaughter recently went through a traumatic phase

There was a lot of !!!!!yness, from so called friends, abuse through texts etc.. Some of it was worse due to her perception at the time, things seem worse when you're low, which maybe why your son said about the teacher. I think this period of a child's life is hard, his old friends may not be the ones he stays with. We encouraged our step daughter to make new friends and move away from the old ones that gave her grief, plus told her how to deal with the torment. I don't believe moving secondary schools will help, this kind of behavior will happen wherever at this age, how your son handles it is the issue.

My stepdaughter is fine now, there's still the odd problem, but I think she has learnt that its part of what comes with secondary school life. Its hard, but we have to learn through life that we will meet idiots, and we need to learn how to be confident and deal with them

paulineb_2

Formal complaint to the school about what happened in that class.
My mum is a teacher and has a zero tolerance attitude towards bullying in her classroom. Unacceptable. And don't wait till he leaves do it now.

Have you seen the campaign in memory of a teenager called izzy Dix? There's a Facebook group. Sadly, many kids end up taking their own lives due to bullying.

If your school are not supportive get him out. I was bullied badly at primary school. I did nothing to deserve it, the girl in question was just a horrible nasty bully.

Don't waste time right now worrying about the whys of this situation. The fact is its being tolerated by the school and your son is suffering.

No child should have to go to school everyday to suffer like that.