Girlfriend's close male friend...

neverdespairgirl

Netwizard wrote: »

Frankly, I'd rather have a few GOOD female friends, than a relationship. Its much much easier, and much less hassle (all imo). Just like having a few sisters

My bruv's a lucky boy - 3 older sisters. You can't much luckier than that!

Person_one

Quizzical_Squirrel wrote: »

Does the girlfriend have other female friends?

Or is she one of those that prefers the company of male friends so she doesn't have to compete and gets a buzz from being 'special'?

What are her other friends like? Are they a mix?

While I admit I don't think much of women who reject their own entire gender as somehow beneath them, I don't think its anything to do with 'competing' and more about plain old sexism.

I certainly don't compete with my female friends, I love them, I care about them, I enjoy their company.

Brighton_belle

neverdespairgirl wrote: »

Same here - often if I don't want to worry OH, too.

Last week, our nanny was away on holiday, and OH had to work in Scotland for 4 days. I talked to my Mum more about being worried about work / getting our 8 year old to and from school / being sick all the time (I'm pregnant) because I didn't want OH to sit in Edinburgh feeling guilty and being away and worried about me. It wouldn't have done him or me any good, so I whinged at my Mama instead! Nothing wrong with that, I don't think.

But I think there's a huge difference between talking to your mum and /or girlfriends and prioritising emotional needs being met by a man who isn't your partner over your partner.

lostinrates

Brighton_belle wrote: »

But I think there's a huge difference between talking to your mum and /or girlfriends and prioritising emotional needs being met by a man who isn't your partner over your partner.

I'd say any person steeping in to a role to over step bounds mutually comfortable to both partners of emotional support to one could be a problem. Mothers can do just this......part of why emotional relationships with in laws can often be so fraught is because those boundaries are so very difficult to draw.

neverdespairgirl

Brighton_belle wrote: »

But I think there's a huge difference between talking to your mum and /or girlfriends and prioritising emotional needs being met by a man who isn't your partner over your partner.

I agree - but I'm not sure the OP has described his GF as prioritising the mate over him, really?

marisco_2

westham911 wrote: »

Whenever I've broached the subject of their close friendship they have turned into awful rows where we've stopped talking. She's told me I have no right to make her choose between the two of us and she hates jealousy. However if I go to lunch with a female colleague she asks loads of questions about my colleague even though it is only lunch. She says it is different because her friendship ecxisted before we got together.

When you have broached the subject of your girlfriends closeness to this other man, have you ever told her that she has to choose between you both or come across as jealous? If not then she is being unreasonable to not talk things through with you. Double standards alert seeing as if you so much as go out for lunch with a female colleague, she feels able to question you. The length of her friendship with this guy doesn't come into it. You two are in a relationship and she should love you enough to want to be open and honest. People who struggle or refuse to do this generally have something to hide.

Brighton_belle

Good point LIR

westham911 wrote: »

She shares most aspects of her private life with him and has no occasion gone to him first with problems than me.

neverdespairgirl wrote: »

I agree - but I'm not sure the OP has described his GF as prioritising the mate over him, really?

Yes he has - on occasion she has gone to male friend first with problems.

To me it isn't about jealousy, but honouring and cherishing my commitment to my DH and the nurturing of our relationship that I would not do this.

vincewurt

There will always be chance they will get it together - you never know. But then again she could hit it off with the checkout assistant in Tesco.

Don't worry about it and get on with living your life.......

paddy's_mum

lostinrates wrote: »

Mothers can do just this......part of why emotional relationships with in laws can often be so fraught

The OP is having to deal with a situation where his 'so-called' partner of five years is treating her friend with more consideration than she is offering to her partner. Driving 100 miles (each way!) so that he doesn't have to use public transport; buying "expensive presents"; "helping him financially".

If this was my partner, gender irrelevant, I'd be kicking backsides!

Think about this - if this couple are sharing a home, or even a budget, the girlfriend is spending money that ought to be in the family exchequer upon her friend (again, gender is irrelevant) without consultation or agreement.

How many people would be happy to be putting in their own money, believing they were pursuing a happy way of life, and then discover that part of it was funding a friendship that kept that same contributing person on the fringes and the reason given is that she has known the friend longer!

My husband spent years and thousands of pounds 'protecting' his son, at my physical and monetary expense. I resented it, and I always will because nothing can wipe out the flagrant unfairness.

Who wants to be on the outside looking in?

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

paddy's_mum wrote: »

The OP is having to deal with a situation where his 'so-called' partner of five years is treating her friend with more consideration than she is offering to her partner. Driving 100 miles (each way!) so that he doesn't have to use public transport; buying "expensive presents"; "helping him financially".

If this was my partner, gender irrelevant, I'd be kicking backsides!

Think about this - if this couple are sharing a home, or even a budget, the girlfriend is spending money that ought to be in the family exchequer upon her friend (again, gender is irrelevant) without consultation or agreement.

How many people would be happy to be putting in their own money, believing they were pursuing a happy way of life, and then discover that part of it was funding a friendship that kept that same contributing person on the fringes and the reason given is that she has known the friend longer!

My husband spent years and thousands of pounds 'protecting' his son, at my physical and monetary expense. I resented it, and I always will because nothing can wipe out the flagrant unfairness.

Who wants to be on the outside looking in?

Personally, I'd be ashamed of him if he didn't prioritise his own children over me.