Girlfriend's close male friend...

Any

Sometimes it is easier to share some things with friends/colleagues, only because they only know the industry/people/problems..

I do not tell everything to my OH, because my moan about latest VAT regulations and usefulness of some people will go straight over his head, while my friend has exactly the same problems as me so we have a moan together..

My OH has always been just "OK" at work. Or "busy" on the other hand.. he never ever shares what happened in the day.. if I get 2 funny stories a year..

How long have you been together?

fluffnutter

westham911 wrote: »

Hello everyone

My girlfriend has a very close friendship with another man and it makes me uncomfortable. I trust my gf and know her friendship with this guy is just that. I have met him a few times and he is a nice guy. My gf has also shown me the occasional message and say a birthday card from him (I never asked to see these) and they have always been strictly platonic.

They were friends well before I arrived on the scene. I know I do not expect to dictate who she is friends with and would not want to.

However their friendship is unusually close and she admits that people have often asked if they are a couple (they used to work together). Whenever I've broached the subject of their close friendship they have turned into awful rows where we've stopped talking. She's told me I have no right to make her choose between the two of us and she hates jealousy. However if I go to lunch with a female colleague she asks loads of questions about my colleague even though it is only lunch. She says it is different because her friendship ecxisted before we got together.

I have never asked for her to choose between us but would have thought that the friendship would have tempered down a bit as the years have gone on - we've been together for 5 years now but it hasn't.

She shares most aspects of her private life with him and has no occasion gone to him first with problems than me. She buys him expensive Xmas and birthday presents. She does really nice things for him such as driving him done south a 100 miles down so that he doesn't have to get the train home to helping him financially on occasion. I've also found she's met him on a few occasions without telling me even though we speak everyday and I ask her how her day has been.

I'm not expecting any answers but just wanted other people's opinions. Am I being unreasonable? It is probably my insecurities surfacing but I've always felt the best relationships are where you are each other's best friend. She is certainly mine and though she says I'm hers, I feel this other guy is also.

Why do you say you trust your girlfriend, like this guy and appreciate that their relationship is purely platonic then go on to contradict all of that? If you really felt like that you wouldn't be posting.

You then go on to say that you're upset because you feel she's your best friend but you're not sure that's reciprocated, i.e. this isn't about sex or jealousy. I'm not so sure. Ask yourself one question: would this bother you if this other guy were in fact a girl?

ValHaller

westham911 wrote: »

She's told me I have no right to make her choose between the two of us and she hates jealousy.

I am assuming from the fact you are posting here, that you have not at this stage gone as far as putting that choice to her. In which case you are treading on something which is causing her to complain more than treading on something healthy would.

Of course she is right that you should not be forcing her to make a choice. In fact it would be a sort of cowardice to do so, when really you are the one who has to make a choice. Put simply, it is accept it as it is or leave it. What is going on here is not something you can change.

paulineb_2

I would never ever expect to think that a partner of mine had to be the person I automatically went to first.

This boils down to. You either trust her or you dont. One of my closest friends is male, he lives a long way away but we have met, however Im no threat to his relationship, hes getting married next year and hes been in a relationship for a long time.

So what if they speak every day, so what if she does things for him, she sounds like a good person and its ok for you to have female friends but if she has a male friend you are looking for issues and you are now, going by some posts on here to look into whether its an emotional affair or not.

I repeat, you either trust her or you dont. The fact that shes still with you after 5 years would indicate that she doesnt want to be with him and as for going to you every time she has an issue, dont you think the fact that youve had massive rows over this means that shes not automatically going to confide in you.

I wouldnt put up with someone being jealous over a friendship with someone of the opposite sex for 5 weeks, never mind 5 years.

Maybe you just arent right for one another, you dont sound happy, I bet shes not happy

We all have choices, you either accept it and stop giving her a hard time, leave or stay and look forward to more of the same.

Its ok for you to have female friends but its not ok for her best friend to be a man?

Any

What suddenly happened that after 5 years you suddenly start questioning their friendship?

I do think that after 5 years... well, I would be surprised if you suddenly brought it up. And he is her friend how long then? 10 years?

Does she do anything for him that you cannot imagine she would do for her female best friend, or if it was a female best friend? Friend boundaries are broken?

jackieblack

Hi OP
You have been together 5 years but it is not clear whether you live together, although you have commented that 'we speak every day'.

TBH, I don't find it strange that she wouldn't necessarily tell you everyone she meets during a day, particularly if you don't live togather and are therefore not together for run-of-the-mill 'chit chat' about your days as much as you would be if you did.

I'm with those that say that because the friendship pre-dates your relationship then anything that was likely to happen would have done so long ago.

If you've already brought it up with her several times then she's aware of your feelings on the matter.

I'm not sure what it is you want her to do? Break the friendship off? Imagine how you'd feel if she expected you to ditch someone you'd been friends with a long time.
Or do you just want her to not be such good friends with this person?
Friendships ebb and flow, particularly long term ones and as you get older your relationships with your friends change.

IMO the bottom line is that, after 5 years together, you either trust her or you don't (irrelevant of whether you trust him).
If you trust her, then you need to 'get over it'.
If you don't then you need to consider whether the relationship is really working.

fluffnutter

I always think the most nonsensical statement in situations like these is 'Of course I trust my girlfriend/wife. It's the other men I don't trust'. I'm not making a statement about the different genders - I've heard it expressed the other way too ('I trust my husband, I just don't trust his female friends').

It's as if they view their partner as some weak-willed floozy with no doubt best intentions at heart but liable to crumble and drop their kacks at the slightest come-on from a third party. If you trust someone, you trust them to be able to withstand the advances of someone else don't you? It's merely a thinly veiled 'No, I don't trust my partner but I'm ashamed to admit it' if you ask me.

fluffnutter

Or, (after finding out that the partner strayed) it's a denial of there ever being a problem in the relationship. Realising that your partner has cheated inevitably leads you to the conclusion that all was not right and that possibly you were culpable for part of those problems (not that the answer is to cheat obviously, far better to discuss things or end it, not just do the dirty).

It's easier to think 'They were led astray by some coercive tart/fella and they couldn't help it' than 'Our relationship was shit and part of the reason for that is my habit of scratching my balls whilst watching Homes Under the Hammer and staying up all night fiddling with my xbox'.

scooby088

paulineb wrote: »

I would never ever expect to think that a partner of mine had to be the person I automatically went to first.

This boils down to. You either trust her or you dont. One of my closest friends is male, he lives a long way away but we have met, however Im no threat to his relationship, hes getting married next year and hes been in a relationship for a long time.

So what if they speak every day, so what if she does things for him, she sounds like a good person and its ok for you to have female friends but if she has a male friend you are looking for issues and you are now, going by some posts on here to look into whether its an emotional affair or not.

I repeat, you either trust her or you dont. The fact that shes still with you after 5 years would indicate that she doesnt want to be with him and as for going to you every time she has an issue, dont you think the fact that youve had massive rows over this means that shes not automatically going to confide in you.

I wouldnt put up with someone being jealous over a friendship with someone of the opposite sex for 5 weeks, never mind 5 years.

Maybe you just arent right for one another, you dont sound happy, I bet shes not happy

We all have choices, you either accept it and stop giving her a hard time, leave or stay and look forward to more of the same.

Its ok for you to have female friends but its not ok for her best friend to be a man?

Infact it's the other way round OP goes on lunches with female colleagues and the gf has a problem with it rather than the other way round.

Person_one

fluffnutter wrote: »

Or, (after finding out that the partner strayed) it's a denial of there ever being a problem in the relationship. Realising that your partner has cheated inevitably leads you to the conclusion that all was not right and that possibly you were culpable for part of those problems (not that the answer is to cheat obviously, far better to discuss things or end it, not just do the dirty).

It's easier to think 'They were led astray by some coercive tart/fella and they couldn't help it' than 'Our relationship was shit and part of the reason for that is my habit of scratching my balls whilst watching Homes Under the Hammer and staying up all night fiddling with my xbox'.

Can't get on board with that I'm afraid. The idea that a bad relationship inevitably drives someone into the bed of a third party is just as much a cop out and fallacy as the idea that a trustworthy partner can be led astray without any control over the situation.