Girlfriend's close male friend...

SavingPennies_2

Alisha2008 wrote: »

Does her friend have a girlfriend...?


I was in a similar position a few years back, luckily my partner is not jealous or insecure, but everything changed when he got a girlfriend... in fact we don't talk to each other anymore.

This is an example of my point I think. Yes maybe the new GF stopped him seeing you, or...he hoped you would be his girlfriend but when he got another girlfriend he no longer had any need for his friendship with you.

So im interested to know if he has a girlfriend too.

I'll run for cover now...:rotfl:

FBaby

It is not a pleasant situation but one you will need to accept if you want to keep your girlfriend. It is likely that one you set your mind up for acceptance it won't feel so bad after all.

westham911

Hello all

Thank you for taking the time out to give your thoughts. My gf's friend is single at the moment...tbh I think he may be possibly asexual as his demeanour is such that he doesn't seem interested in a relationship of any sort.

My gf is a kind and generous person to others and I love her to bits. I also do trust her not to do wrong by me.

I suppose I have not been one for very deep friendships and only tend to emotionally invest myself with those I really care about. And usually my gf is one who can take or leave her friendships, but with this guy he is always there in the background. She speaks to him daily and I know she cares deeply for him.

I'm not great at expressing myself but I think NinjaSavingKat hits the nail on the head with her comments and like her I would want us to have a relationship where we are each other's first ports of calls.

I think I just find their friendship unusual and maybe subconciously the fact that he is a male is coming into it. However you all have given me differing viewpoints to consider and I'm grateful for that.

PS I haven't gone on lunches with females to be vindictive or "test" my gf...they are simply colleagues and I like to share everything with my gf which is why I tell her. I have no interest in anyone else or playing games.

**professor~yaffle**

westham911 wrote: »

Hello everyone

My girlfriend has a very close friendship with another man and it makes me uncomfortable. I trust my gf and know her friendship with this guy is just that. I have met him a few times and he is a nice guy. My gf has also shown me the occasional message and say a birthday card from him (I never asked to see these) and they have always been strictly platonic.

They were friends well before I arrived on the scene. I know I do not expect to dictate who she is friends with and would not want to.

However their friendship is unusually close and she admits that people have often asked if they are a couple (they used to work together). Whenever I've broached the subject of their close friendship they have turned into awful rows where we've stopped talking. She's told me I have no right to make her choose between the two of us and she hates jealousy. However if I go to lunch with a female colleague she asks loads of questions about my colleague even though it is only lunch. She says it is different because her friendship ecxisted before we got together.

I have never asked for her to choose between us but would have thought that the friendship would have tempered down a bit as the years have gone on - we've been together for 5 years now but it hasn't.

She shares most aspects of her private life with him and has no occasion gone to him first with problems than me. She buys him expensive Xmas and birthday presents. She does really nice things for him such as driving him done south a 100 miles down so that he doesn't have to get the train home to helping him financially on occasion. I've also found she's met him on a few occasions without telling me even though we speak everyday and I ask her how her day has been.

I'm not expecting any answers but just wanted other people's opinions. Am I being unreasonable? It is probably my insecurities surfacing but I've always felt the best relationships are where you are each other's best friend. She is certainly mine and though she says I'm hers, I feel this other guy is also.

If he was a friend of both of you it maybe wouldn't be such an issue, but it sounds like you don't particularly like this 'other guy', and I can understand why. I don't think you're being unreasonable. If I were in a serious relationship with a partner I would respect their feelings with regard to a very close male friend, and if it made them feel uncomfortable I'd be trying my best to deal with it so that my partner didn't feel resentful and if that meant cooling things off a bit with the close friend that's what I'd do.

She doesn't have to stop seeing him, but I think she is disrespecting you and not paying any regard to YOUR feelings on the issue. Especially so if she reacts badly when the boot is on the other foot! Cheeky mare.

Equally if I had a partner who was very, very close friends with another woman I don't think I'd be too happy about it, either. I don't think I'd let the situation drag on for 5 years! Life's too short

Person_one

westham911 wrote: »

She shares most aspects of her private life with him and has no occasion gone to him first with problems than me. She buys him expensive Xmas and birthday presents. She does really nice things for him such as driving him done south a 100 miles down so that he doesn't have to get the train home to helping him financially on occasion. I've also found she's met him on a few occasions without telling me even though we speak everyday and I ask her how her day has been.

This is pretty standard stuff within a close and caring friendship. If she did all this for a female friend you wouldn't bat an eyelid, I'm guessing?

I don't think its particularly healthy for people in relationships to rely on their partner for every emotional need, and to be completely in each other's pockets. Outside friendships are incredibly important, many people (especially women) have friendships that last much longer than any romantic relationship in their lives.

SavingPennies_2

westham911 wrote: »

Hello all

My gf is a kind and generous person to others and I love her to bits. I also do trust her not to do wrong by me.

I suppose I have not been one for very deep friendships and only tend to emotionally invest myself with those I really care about. And usually my gf is one who can take or leave her friendships, but with this guy he is always there in the background. She speaks to him daily and I know she cares deeply for him.
.......
I think I just find their friendship unusual and maybe subconciously the fact that he is a male is coming into it. However you all have given me differing viewpoints to consider and I'm grateful for that.

.

Hm so you don't really understand why she cares for her friend. I assume you have no close friends then, so maybe you dont understand how she feels about her friend, if it was a woman there is nothing unusual about their friendship tbh. I have a feeling it would also bother you if her friend were a woman...? Do you have any other "deep friendships" apart from your GF?

dandelionclock30

In reality all you can do is either accept it and not let it bother you or basically jog on.Theres absolutley nothing you can do about it. If you start pushing her about it then she willl probably drop you, not her friend.

heartbreak_star

A relationship where you are always each other's first port of call isn't a healthy one, IMO.

Yes, most of the time I will talk to my OH if something is bothering me...but if I feel like it's something he won't understand, or I'm in a grump with him, I'll talk to one of my friends or my mum instead.

HBS x

Alisha2008

SavingPennies wrote: »

This is an example of my point I think. Yes maybe the new GF stopped him seeing you, or...he hoped you would be his girlfriend but when he got another girlfriend he no longer had any need for his friendship with you.

So im interested to know if he has a girlfriend too.

I'll run for cover now...:rotfl:

I think in my case it was a bit of both, but he had other female friends, which I do wonder if he keeps.. guess I'll never know!


For me it was true friendship and nothing else, he was the only person in my life I would tell absolutely everything, and I miss him lots

SavingPennies_2

Alisha2008 wrote: »

I think in my case it was a bit of both, but he had other female friends, which I do wonder if he keeps.. guess I'll never know!


For me it was true friendship and nothing else, he was the only person in my life I would tell absolutely everything, and I miss him lots

That's such a shame, sorry to get off topic, but have you tried to get in touch? I guess you were a better friend to him than he was to you if he could drop you altogether so maybe its for the best. I suspect he hasnt kept his other female friends either.