Girlfriend's close male friend...

NinjaSavingKat

ostrichnomore wrote: »

It's normal to have platonic friend of the opposite gender, and you should have no need to feel concerned or jealous. What rings some alarm bells for me here are that it does seem to go rather beyond a normal friendship and into 'emotional affair' territory.

These are dangerous for the main relationship, whether or not it develops into a full-blown romantic affair or not (they often do). It's dangerous because their relationship has taken over areas that belong in the romantic relationship. You should be the first person she comes to when she has a problem, for example. She should not be sharing detailed or intimate info on your personal life together/relationship with another person. The intensity that should be reserved for the romantic relationship is instead being shared with someone else. Which, then, is the primary relationship in her life? It's not a case of choosing between you. You can have a partner and very close friends. But if partner isn't number one, then that's a very strong message.

What's really concerning is that she'll meet him in secret. No, couples don't have to report their every little move to each other. But meeting up with someone behind your back or deliberately concealing the meetings, is something else.

This was my point! You put it much better than me. The OP recognises that this is how he feels as well but I am sure it's frightening to think it might be how he has to live if the girlfriend is unhappy with his unhappiness.

Partners should be the first to know what is happening in your life - running to a friend or parent is damaging to a relationship if they are your first point of call. Yes everyone has gripes about their partner and may mentnion something in passing but running them down, sharing secrets behind their back or discussing private issues with someone else is damaging and a massive warning signal to what a person might think is healthy.

OP I was not insinuating that you run off to meet female colleagues to be vindictive - it was more a suggestion that is this is what you subconsciously were up to it's another unhealthy sign.

However it's a little odd that she seems to think that you cannot see these females outside of work and is basically veto'ing any "new" relationships that you might have with another female.

j.e.j.

Person_one wrote: »

One for the MSE bingo card.

I think we both know the women on this board would have been shrieking 'emotional abuse' and 'he's having an affair' and 'you should leave him' and generally going on about how unjust the situation was and how she didn't deserve to be treated like that.

Funny how it's acceptable when it's a female who's with another man, though :think:

Alisha2008

SavingPennies wrote: »

That's such a shame, sorry to get off topic, but have you tried to get in touch? I guess you were a better friend to him than he was to you if he could drop you altogether so maybe its for the best. I suspect he hasnt kept his other female friends either.

I haven't and I won't, things ended up very badly.. his gf will never allow any contact and she made this very clear. I don't want to interfere either.. and yes, I realise now he didn't care that much about me...
(sorry for telling my story on a thread which is not mine..)

jackieblack

NinjaSavingKat wrote: »

Partners should be the first to know what is happening in your life - running to a friend or parent is damaging to a relationship if they are your first point of call. Yes everyone has gripes about their partner and may mentnion something in passing but running them down, sharing secrets behind their back or discussing private issues with someone else is damaging and a massive warning signal to what a person might think is healthy.

:huh: Nothing in the OP that says any of this

This

westham911 wrote: »

She shares most aspects of her private life with him and has no occasion gone to him first with problems than me.

is not the same as what you're implying

Kayalana99

jackieblack wrote: »

:huh: Nothing in the OP that says any of this

This

Is not the same as what you're implying

Are you sure you're not 'projecting' ?

I think its just basic reading between the lines, you can tell OP has very carefully worded his post so he doesn't seem jealous but concerned (Not pointing fingers of jealously but if I was posting this I would be doing the same)

jackieblack

Kayalana99 wrote: »

I think its just basic reading between the lines, you can tell OP has very carefully worded his post so he doesn't seem jealous but concerned (Not pointing fingers of jealously but if I was posting this I would be doing the same)

Or someone reading into it things that aren't there......

Kayalana99

jackieblack wrote: »

Or someone reading into it things that aren't there......

Uhu...so saying running to other people instead of partners is damaging...and OP saying she has gone to him first with problems on occasion instead of him...is 'assuming things op hasn't said'

I suppose thats not even reading between the lines its just reading the initial post. Perhaps she has taken it to another level but only by expressing an opinion, not saying thats what she was doing.

:cool:

NinjaSavingKat

jackieblack wrote: »

:huh: Nothing in the OP that says any of this

You are quoting my own thoughts. What the OP agreed as you will see from his second response is what I was referring to.

westham911

ostrichnomore wrote: »

It's normal to have platonic friend of the opposite gender, and you should have no need to feel concerned or jealous. What rings some alarm bells for me here are that it does seem to go rather beyond a normal friendship and into 'emotional affair' territory.

These are dangerous for the main relationship, whether or not it develops into a full-blown romantic affair or not (they often do). It's dangerous because their relationship has taken over areas that belong in the romantic relationship. You should be the first person she comes to when she has a problem, for example. She should not be sharing detailed or intimate info on your personal life together/relationship with another person. The intensity that should be reserved for the romantic relationship is instead being shared with someone else. Which, then, is the primary relationship in her life? It's not a case of choosing between you. You can have a partner and very close friends. But if partner isn't number one, then that's a very strong message.

What's really concerning is that she'll meet him in secret. No, couples don't have to report their every little move to each other. But meeting up with someone behind your back or deliberately concealing the meetings, is something else.

Do some googling on emotional affairs and see if it does fit what's happening.

These can be more damaging and hurtful than sexual affairs. If this is how you are starting to see it, talk to her. It's not a competition but if you are her partner, then friendships shouldn't encroach on that relationship territory.

And she's got a cheek getting jealous about your friendships with other women.

Hi ostrichnomore

Your message states exactly how I feel but find difficult to express!

I am not asking her not to have this person as her friend. In fact it's a good thing that she's had a friendship that's lasted so long. I just feel we should be each other's best friends and for me her friendship is more intense than I would expect it to be.

It does get to me that she shares more with her friend at times than she does me. And these things don't relate to things about us, they are general things that may be going on in her life and she will say she really trusts his "judgement". I've always been there for and will make time no matter what so it's not as though I'm too busy.

I'm probably not coming across too well to here and it may apear that I'm making a mountain out of a molehill, but it can be quite an isolating feeling.

The concept of "emotional affairs" is very interesting I will take a look into that.

I really appreciate all your comments (even those that disagree with my POV!).

aileth

westham911 wrote: »

It does get to me that she shares more with her friend at times than she does me. And these things don't relate to things about us, they are general things that may be going on in her life and she will say she really trusts his "judgement". I've always been there for and will make time no matter what so it's not as though I'm too busy.

What about your judgment? Does she ask each of you your views or just him?

If just him, I have to say this would probably annoy the toss out of me. I really think there's nothing romantic or sinister going on in your situation, but if my OH and his friend, regardless of gender, had inside discussions (that weren't 'my wife is such a cow sometimes' talk), I'd feel a bit closed out that I wasn't privy to them.

If there's something going on in life, I wouldn't dream to discussing it with my bestie and not with my OH.