Girlfriend's close male friend...

jackieblack

heartbreak_star wrote: »

A relationship where you are always each other's first port of call isn't a healthy one, IMO.

Yes, most of the time I will talk to my OH if something is bothering me...but if I feel like it's something he won't understand, or I'm in a grump with him, I'll talk to one of my friends or my mum instead.

I agree with this.
Sometimes I'll discuss something with another person to get an objective opinion because I know my husband's opinion will be biased and he will always take my side.

purple.sarah

If she has shown you correspondence between them to prove it is platonic, there isn't much more she can do to reassure you. She might not always mention when she meets him to avoid arguments. TBH they have known each other so long that if they wanted to be together they would. She might see him more like a brother.

On the other hand, she shouldn't cross examine you about going to lunch with a female colleague. Talk to her about it and try to work towards establishing mutual trust in your relationship.

aileth

jackieblack wrote: »

I agree with this.
Sometimes I'll discuss something with another person to get an objective opinion because I know my husband's opinion will be biased and he will always take my side.

Or if OH is p*ssing you off and you need a moan and an independent view!

Alias_Omega

Just have a good chat with your gf, explain your worries and tell her your inner thoughts. She will assure you that everything is okay.

Just be open with each other. No secrets..

ostrichnomore_2

It's normal to have platonic friend of the opposite gender, and you should have no need to feel concerned or jealous. What rings some alarm bells for me here are that it does seem to go rather beyond a normal friendship and into 'emotional affair' territory.

These are dangerous for the main relationship, whether or not it develops into a full-blown romantic affair or not (they often do). It's dangerous because their relationship has taken over areas that belong in the romantic relationship. You should be the first person she comes to when she has a problem, for example. She should not be sharing detailed or intimate info on your personal life together/relationship with another person. The intensity that should be reserved for the romantic relationship is instead being shared with someone else. Which, then, is the primary relationship in her life? It's not a case of choosing between you. You can have a partner and very close friends. But if partner isn't number one, then that's a very strong message.

What's really concerning is that she'll meet him in secret. No, couples don't have to report their every little move to each other. But meeting up with someone behind your back or deliberately concealing the meetings, is something else.

Do some googling on emotional affairs and see if it does fit what's happening.

These can be more damaging and hurtful than sexual affairs. If this is how you are starting to see it, talk to her. It's not a competition but if you are her partner, then friendships shouldn't encroach on that relationship territory.

And she's got a cheek getting jealous about your friendships with other women.

paddy's_mum

ostrichnomore wrote: »

It's dangerous because their relationship has taken over areas that belong in the romantic relationship.

The intensity that should be reserved for the romantic relationship is instead being shared with someone else

Couldn't agree more and well put. :T

I'd bet money that it is this aspect that the OP can't quite find the words to describe and which is giving him cause for concern particularly if the girlfriend has now made the subject kinda off limits.

I respect that the friendship is important to her but I also agree with professor yaffle in post 15 that she could be cooling off the friendship just a little if to do so shows her respect for the OP's feelings.

That is perhaps the compromise that they need to reach. Everyone gains, nobody loses - result!

Any

I think unreasonable is completely correct word for what you are and if I was your gf I would have told you to go and take a jump.
As the first reply says, if there are friends a lot longer then you've been on the scene, something would have happened before now and he has better standing given the time of a friendship being longer then your relationship if you asked her to make a choice..
And if something asked me to take a choice for no obvious reason but their own insecurity (because let's face it, why otherwise would you question it given your full post??) I would run run run..

However I would expect the same of my partner... Perhaps she is just a bit immature?

Person_one

This friend has been around a lot longer than the boyfriend, I'd be very surprised if it was an 'emotional affair'.

Its completely normal to share feelings/details about one's romantic relationship with friends, its far more dangerous to feel you aren't 'allowed' to talk about that stuff with others, imo.

j.e.j.

westham911 wrote: »

Hello everyone

My boyfriend has a very close friendship with another woman and it makes me uncomfortable. I trust my bf and know his friendship with this girl is just that. I have met her a few times and she is a nice person. My bf has also shown me the occasional message and say a birthday card from her (I never asked to see these) and they have always been strictly platonic.

They were friends well before I arrived on the scene. I know I do not expect to dictate who he is friends with and would not want to.

However their friendship is unusually close and he admits that people have often asked if they are a couple (they used to work together). Whenever I've broached the subject of their close friendship they have turned into awful rows where we've stopped talking. He's told me I have no right to make him choose between the two of us and he hates jealousy. However if I go to lunch with a male colleague he asks loads of questions about my colleague even though it is only lunch. He says it is different because his friendship existed before we got together.

I have never asked for him to choose between us but would have thought that the friendship would have tempered down a bit as the years have gone on - we've been together for 5 years now but it hasn't.

He shares most aspects of his private life with her and has on occasion gone to her first with problems than me. He buys her expensive Xmas and birthday presents. He does really nice things for her such as driving her down south a 100 miles down so that she doesn't have to get the train home to helping her financially on occasion. I've also found he's met her on a few occasions without telling me even though we speak everyday and I ask him how her day has been.

I'm not expecting any answers but just wanted other people's opinions. Am I being unreasonable? It is probably my insecurities surfacing but I've always felt the best relationships are where you are each other's best friend. He is certainly mine and though he says I'm his, I feel this other woman is also.

I wonder what the responses would have been to this scenario ^^



(Well, actually I don't really wonder..)

Person_one

j.e.j. wrote: »

I wonder what the responses would have been to this scenario ^^



(Well, actually I don't really wonder..)

One for the MSE bingo card.