Girlfriend's close male friend...

paulineb_2

scooby088 wrote: »

Infact it's the other way round OP goes on lunches with female colleagues and the gf has a problem with it rather than the other way round.

He does have a problem with her friendship with her best friend, thats why he started the thread and yes, she might grill him as well, I wonder if its all a bit tit for tat because hes spent so long cheesed off about her friendship with male best friend

As I said above, they might not be right for one another, looks like the rot has set in and theres no trust, far from a happy relationship by the sound of it

paulineb_2

westham911 wrote: »

Hello everyone

My girlfriend has a very close friendship with another man and it makes me uncomfortable. I trust my gf and know her friendship with this guy is just that. I have met him a few times and he is a nice guy. My gf has also shown me the occasional message and say a birthday card from him (I never asked to see these) and they have always been strictly platonic.

They were friends well before I arrived on the scene. I know I do not expect to dictate who she is friends with and would not want to.

However their friendship is unusually close and she admits that people have often asked if they are a couple (they used to work together). Whenever I've broached the subject of their close friendship they have turned into awful rows where we've stopped talking. She's told me I have no right to make her choose between the two of us and she hates jealousy. However if I go to lunch with a female colleague she asks loads of questions about my colleague even though it is only lunch. She says it is different because her friendship ecxisted before we got together.

I have never asked for her to choose between us but would have thought that the friendship would have tempered down a bit as the years have gone on - we've been together for 5 years now but it hasn't.

She shares most aspects of her private life with him and has no occasion gone to him first with problems than me. She buys him expensive Xmas and birthday presents. She does really nice things for him such as driving him done south a 100 miles down so that he doesn't have to get the train home to helping him financially on occasion. I've also found she's met him on a few occasions without telling me even though we speak everyday and I ask her how her day has been.

I'm not expecting any answers but just wanted other people's opinions. Am I being unreasonable? It is probably my insecurities surfacing but I've always felt the best relationships are where you are each other's best friend. She is certainly mine and though she says I'm hers, I feel this other guy is also.

Why would a friendship have to fade over the years? Because someone has a partner?

I bet if this friend was female youd have no problem with it whatsoever.

fluffnutter

Person_one wrote: »

Can't get on board with that I'm afraid. The idea that a bad relationship inevitably drives someone into the bed of a third party is just as much a cop out and fallacy as the idea that a trustworthy partner can be led astray without any control over the situation.

Who said anything about 'inevitably'? I certainly didn't. You appear to have made an illogical statement along the lines of 'all that glistens is not gold'. Personally I think all relationships where someone cheats are lacking. That doesn't mean that all lacking relationships result in cheating.

People blame third parties because it's easier than examining their own relationships. Perhaps after examination they conclude that things were indeed perfect and it was just one of those things (hmm, unlikely and deluded) but you can bet any money that they won't bother if they can simply blame the 'other slapper'.

If your partner cheats and that doesn't prompt you to look at your relationship then you're a complacent fool.

Netwizard

Interesting topic. I've never seen male / female friendships as a problem. As people have said in this topic, its all about trust.

I am a single male and have a very close female friend who I met at work about 6 years ago now. I go round her house, have drinks, stay over, we go out for lunch sometimes or a coffee. Occasionally on nights out, I have made sure she gets home safely and crashed on her sofa etc.

I'm not interested in her in "That way", despite gossip at work thinking otherwise. I'm not gay, and throughout this friendship, my female friend has had a partner. He's never said he has an issue with our friendship (although he is a mate of mine also, so we know each other well).

Its not something I see as a problem, and if I got a GF who suddenly said "You can't go and stay round your best female friends house now", then she would be out the door.

Frankly, I'd rather have a few GOOD female friends, than a relationship. Its much much easier, and much less hassle (all imo). Just like having a few sisters

Person_one

fluffnutter wrote: »

If your partner cheats and that doesn't prompt you to look at your relationship then you're a complacent fool.

Well, mostly it would prompt me not to to even consider staying with a cheat.

Do you deny the possibility that people cheat even when they have lovely caring partners who haven't done a thing wrong? That some people are just !!!!!! who put their own pleasure and impulses above anybody else's feelings?

ska_lover

I haven't read the entire thread OP, but I must tell you that if my husband was going to a female friend with problems or issues, before even speaking to me about it..this would be a massive problem for me. The actual friendship wouldn't bother me, but the fact that he is her chosen confidant, would p1ss me off

supersaver2

Quizzical_Squirrel wrote: »

I think she's carrying a torch for him but he's not interested.

I'm afraid that was my very first thought when I read the OP. Does he do nice things for her OP, or is it all one way?

lostinrates

**professor~yaffle** wrote: »

Equally if I had a partner who was very, very close friends with another woman I don't think I'd be too happy about it, either. I don't think I'd let the situation drag on for 5 years! Life's too short

Doesn't bother me much, nor DH, but I will say that some of the parameters of our relationships with friends of the opposite sex changed a bit out of respect to each other.

Early on DH was visiting a female friend who was a postgrad student resident on campus and I asked where he'd stay and we talked about whether platonic bed sharing was acceptable to us or not.

Similarly, we are free to discuss things with whoever we want, but we discuss them with each other FIRST. sometimes we do agree that somethings are off limits for discussion outside for a while, or with particular people.
Neither DH nor I would be happy to give up friends of opposite gender ( or same gender and different sexuality....is that different for some reason if no one is interested any way?) but redefining limits and being friends, if not always as close, with each others friends is important to us. One of dh's female friends is now one of my closest friends too.

I think op is within normality to express discomfort if some things are not working for him. Not to try and prevent the friendship, but certainly redefine it a little.

Fwiw, I also found some of my same sex heterosexual friendships aren't right when a friend becomes newly encoupled, single or vice versa. Its not about sex, or even the friendships always, but about boundaries of the relationship. Sometimes the friendship boundaries being 'too loose' become clear when one gets a new partner though.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

My best friends, have almost always been guys. I grew up with brothers and their mates and was always a tomboy. I found it quite awkward at school that girls would judge me on that basis - but I didn't want to be friends with anybody who was like that, anyway.

When I was with exes, it was always a huge problem for them/their wives and I lost touch with people who had known me since I was tiny. That hurt, partly because I missed them and partly because it seemed that they thought nobody could possibly like me as a person - it had to be because I was willing to put out.


It didn't help that two of my female friends at different times cheated with one of my boyfriends and another ex had 'friends'. So I suppose because they were inclined to do it, they assumed everybody else was.


******

If it hadn't been for the guys, I wouldn't be with the Lovely Fella now. They quietly orchestrated times when we'd both be at the same gig, had to go home unexpectedly, so he'd be the one left to walk me home - and convinced me to give him a chance when I was having a 'I don't know if I can do this all again' moment. Would they do that if they were only interested in sex?

I've sat in a pub and role played a blind date with a mate who was just getting himself back into dating after divorce. I certainly didn't want to date him - and a couple of people had wondered if that was actually happening, but nope - he was just a nice guy who was single for the first time in twenty years and had forgotten how to have a conversation with a female. Mainly because he hadn't been allowed to.


I can't be doing with lies and stuff now. I'll tell LF where I've been, where I'm going, who I'm seeing, whether I end up staying over or whether anybody's stayed over at mine. And he'll do the same. I've not got anything to hide - but were he to become very possessive or feel threatened by my friends, I'd be giving serious thought as to whether I wanted to continue in that same way. The fact that I have male friends is part of who I am; I cannot be doing with the experiences I had with my exes, where I'd end up being accused of all sorts when I hadn't even done anything and had no friends whatsoever. And yes, eventually, I wouldn't tell them where I'd been or I'd lie as I couldn't face even more grief than I was already getting for simply daring to leave the house during the day.



My best female friend, unfortunately, is getting to the point where she has decided that males and females can't be friends. Trouble is, that's because she has cheated on exes. So she's very possessive and trying to be controlling of her partner. It's sad to see, because I don't believe her OH has any intention of cheating on her, but it really doesn't bode well for their relationship, as eventually, I think he's going to say 'I can't take this anymore'. A couple of times something has happened where I think, had I been in his situation, I would have walked.



If the OP's GF's BF comes across as asexual, it's possible (just through my own experience) that he could be somewhere on the Autism Spectrum. My brother is. There's absolutely no way a friend of his would ever become a sexual partner, he just can't do that - but he has friends who will take care of him and do anything for him. I'd hate to think that the few friends he has could be driven into abandoning him because their partners don't like it.





Ultimately, OP, you either trust her or you don't. But don't force her to give up a best friend because of your own issues.

neverdespairgirl

heartbreak_star wrote: »

A relationship where you are always each other's first port of call isn't a healthy one, IMO.

Yes, most of the time I will talk to my OH if something is bothering me...but if I feel like it's something he won't understand, or I'm in a grump with him, I'll talk to one of my friends or my mum instead.

HBS x

Same here - often if I don't want to worry OH, too.

Last week, our nanny was away on holiday, and OH had to work in Scotland for 4 days. I talked to my Mum more about being worried about work / getting our 8 year old to and from school / being sick all the time (I'm pregnant) because I didn't want OH to sit in Edinburgh feeling guilty and being away and worried about me. It wouldn't have done him or me any good, so I whinged at my Mama instead! Nothing wrong with that, I don't think.