Girlfriend's close male friend...

westham911

Hello everyone

My girlfriend has a very close friendship with another man and it makes me uncomfortable. I trust my gf and know her friendship with this guy is just that. I have met him a few times and he is a nice guy. My gf has also shown me the occasional message and say a birthday card from him (I never asked to see these) and they have always been strictly platonic.

They were friends well before I arrived on the scene. I know I do not expect to dictate who she is friends with and would not want to.

However their friendship is unusually close and she admits that people have often asked if they are a couple (they used to work together). Whenever I've broached the subject of their close friendship they have turned into awful rows where we've stopped talking. She's told me I have no right to make her choose between the two of us and she hates jealousy. However if I go to lunch with a female colleague she asks loads of questions about my colleague even though it is only lunch. She says it is different because her friendship ecxisted before we got together.

I have never asked for her to choose between us but would have thought that the friendship would have tempered down a bit as the years have gone on - we've been together for 5 years now but it hasn't.

She shares most aspects of her private life with him and has no occasion gone to him first with problems than me. She buys him expensive Xmas and birthday presents. She does really nice things for him such as driving him done south a 100 miles down so that he doesn't have to get the train home to helping him financially on occasion. I've also found she's met him on a few occasions without telling me even though we speak everyday and I ask her how her day has been.

I'm not expecting any answers but just wanted other people's opinions. Am I being unreasonable? It is probably my insecurities surfacing but I've always felt the best relationships are where you are each other's best friend. She is certainly mine and though she says I'm hers, I feel this other guy is also.

scheming_gypsy

Yes you're being unreasonable.

If they've been friends for a lot longer than you and her have been together, if anything was going to happen then it'd have happened before now.
If his messages and cards are 'strictly platonic' then he's got no interest in her. If I fancy somebody then texts will be flirty or at least have a kiss on them to see how she resonds. If I've no interest in her at all then it'll be the kind of message you seem to have seen.

He could also be gay

Orlando_Virgin

I think unreasonable is a tad harsh? I know if I were in the same predicament I would be similar to yourself. It all boils down to trust really. You have obviously breached this subject on more than one occasion and her answer is quite clear, this guy is here to stay as her friend, whether you like it or not. So you either accept it WHOLELY for what it is, or you can't. If you can't, this isn't going to go away and that's a problem within yourself you need to resolve.

You seem like quite a conscientious guy and I know a lot of my friends would have overreacted way more than you have, so don't be too hard on yourself. That being said, she has given you NO reason at all not to trust her at this point.

Me personally, I struggle with the idea of platonic relationships between men and women, call me old fashioned and all that. Just out of interest, what is his situation? Does he have a partner?

aileth

Men and woman can be really close friends without HAVING to do the horizontal tango. Does she really have to tell you each time she meets up with him? Would you expect her to tell you each time she met with a female friend? The friendship hasn't tempered down as things have gone on because, quite simply, they are best friends.

You can have best friends outside of a relationship.

If she was doing anything, surely (a) she wouldn't show you the text messages, and (b) they wouldn't be obviously platonic.

I do think she's a bit unreasonable with the questioning each time you meet up with someone of the opposite gender though, as she expects you to trust her with him, you'd think it went the other way.

LannieDuck

I think it's fine for her to have a close male friend, but her reaction to you having female friends is a bit hypocritical.

I have a female friend who houseshares with a male friend. They've shared for years in a number of different flats. Totally platonic and both have their own gfs/bfs. They just happen to work well as flatmates.

I agree with gypsy - if anything was going to happen between your gf and this guy, it would have happened by now. You need to relax and trust her... but she needs to trust you in return.

NinjaSavingKat

No you are not being unreasonable.

I would expect in my relationship that I could foster an environment where my boyfriend and I could rely on each other for emotional support , be the others first point of call for things, and rely on each other. Although I am not suggesting that you or she can replace the others same gender friends or family - I just think a relationship in most respects should be between two people not three.

Yes she was friends with him before, there is no harm in that, and yes you are right not to dictate to her who she is friends with but have you told her just how much you feel she is going above and beyond for this one friend? If she was like this for every one of her friends - male and female - then you don't have a leg to stand on.

If it's just him though I would like to know why you are not her first point of call with ANY issue even if that issue is you, why she is not telling you that she is seeing him ( although this might be because you constantly worry about him and she doesn't want another argument) and why she seems to spend so much on him and is so invested in his life.

However OP, she might just be a very nice person who realises this man needs a little extra platonic help and she is happy to give it. Yes he might also be gay - have you asked this? They just might also be very good friends and instead of a female for solid advise she has a boy.

But don't go meeting female colleagues from work and wondering why she has an issue with this - unless there is a bonefide belief there is love/affair happening between your girlf and this man (still not a good excuse to meet other women for lunch instead of facing the issue at hand but you get my drift) you are being vindictive in your actions ( if indeed you set out to "test" her and provoke a reaction ) and it's a cause for concern all round... although I am not assuming that you should have to test her in any way..

It's been 5 years now. It clearly won't change. I think you need to sit back and accept this for what it is. You are not married, she could have easily left you by now and she hasn't.

Chill out a little, ask no more questions for a bit and let the issue lie.

Then see what happens when you show no interest in her meeting/seeing him.

The truth will come out soon, or not, you need to figure out if it's something you can live with. Or whether you can live without her.

Gavin83

I think some people can cope with this from their partner and some people couldn't. You need to decide which one you are. I'm actually quite surprised you've made it to 5 years if it bothers you like this.

However she is a complete hypocrite to complain about you having lunch with girls. I actually couldn't be with someone who considered it acceptable to do something but thought it unreasonable for me to do the same thing.

Alisha2008

Does her friend have a girlfriend...?


I was in a similar position a few years back, luckily my partner is not jealous or insecure, but everything changed when he got a girlfriend... in fact we don't talk to each other anymore.

heartbreak_star

I have lots of platonic male friends because I generally get on better with blokes. I'm not very girly. OH is generally OK with this, knows a few of them, and will happily pop along for a pint when I meet up with them sometimes.

However, I feel like I am totally punching above my weight with OH - he is stunning. So I do get jealous when pretty, glossy, skinny, made-up types are around him...but I bite my tongue because my jealousy is MY problem, NOT his - plus despite how much I don't trust other women (long story) I trust him.

Can understand where OP's gf is coming from - but she's being a hypocrite and he's being a jealous whatnot.

HBS x

scheming_gypsy

The hypocrite bit is hard to call.

If they didn't fall out over her mate, would she get moody about him going for lunch with female colleagues? or is it a case of 'you complain at my friendship yet think it's ok to go for lunch with girls'.

SavingPennies_2

Theyve been friends for 5+ years so if she was interested shed be with him by now so I dont think youve got anything to worry about. However I think shes a hypocrite for being jealous of your female friends and that is not on.

I know this sounds sexist...but..in my experience women are more likely to be friends with a man without any attracttion, but when a man is just friends, he's really holding out for something more. Im expecting to get some stick for that...:p