Mum showing up unannounced - have I been unfair?

burnoutbabe

anyone who has a key should always call and ring first, not just let themselves in. I mean my parents have a key but they'd only let themself in if they arrived at mine before me when staying. And they'd buzz anyway in case one of us is back first.

I'd hope the cleaners do that as well (not that I am in when they are there).

Maybe its more a London thing but no one would just turn up unannounced. They'd text/call to see if you were around if they wanted to turn up. So you can say no if you want. If they just turn up you can't just politely say "no, we just want to be on our own" can you? You'd have to invite them in or pretend to be going out.

So i think OP is in the right to tell her mum to call first before turning up, and its odd that everytime she has been invited over, she doesn't come.

fredtheguava

ska_lover wrote: »

your relationship with your mother is one of the most important, if not THE most important relationship you will ever have.

That may well be true for YOU, but for some of us it is definitely not. My mother has not been to the last five or six homes I've lived in (we're probably talking since 2006), let alone turning up unannounced. We simply don't have that relationship. My dad has visited - perhaps once or twice to each home but again, wouldn't dream of arriving unannounced. We have our own lives, do our own things. I don't want to interrupt or disturb any plans they might have, and would expect the same from them.

I have a few important relationships in my life, and they are all equally if not more valuable to me than that with my mother. This comment shows a lack of empathy for others having a different experience than yours. Different isn't necessarily wrong, after all.

catkins

ska_lover wrote: »

your relationship with your mother is one of the most important, if not THE most important relationship you will ever have.

That's a silly thing to say. What about children that are abused by their mother? Would you still say the same to them?

I get on very well with my mum and dad and my siblings but OH doesn't get on with his family. His mother physically and mentally abused him as a child. He certainly doesn't regard his relationship with her as important

shays_mum

Lock your door, hence no unannounced visits - simples!

Here's the thing, my mum was really sick recently & it really brings it home they are not going to be around forever.

The fact she was in tears makes me feel sad for her, to think that as a mum myself in my time of need, neither of my kids had time for me at a really stressful time would kill me

I sure your a nice person & were just frustrated, just make it up & life goes on x

fredtheguava

ska_lover wrote: »

Wow, I can't imagine what kind of distant relationship YOU have with your mother if she has never visited your last 6 houses. To me, there is a difference between having your own lives, and living as strangers.

No, different is definitely not wrong I totally agree. I just couldn't imagine living like this, putting exactly zero effort into family relationships

Exactly zero? I'm not sure where you get that from. I see my parents every couple of months, and for birthdays, Christmas etc. We meet in a mutually convenient spot for some lunch or dinner and share our stories. That's not 'zero effort'.

We lead separate lives. My parents raised me to be independent, and I am. That doesn't mean I'm not grateful to them, or value them. It just means I value many other things as well: my career, my partner, my best friend and the wider circle of friends I enjoy, and my alone time. They have a life, too, and my Mother's job means her evenings and weekends are busy, whereas I teach so that's when I'm free. It's just how it is.

Again, I'll say: different is not wrong. Just because you can't imagine it, doesn't mean it doesn't suit us perfectly well.

ska_lover

I get the exactly zero thing from the fact that you said you haven't had your mother around your last six houses since 2006 and the fact that I view mine as one of the most, or if not the most important relationship as being different for you, which seems different to how things actually are, as you then go on to explain you do actually see her regularly, it just came across as you never saw your mother at all from what you had previously said before post 232 if you see what I mean. Obviously that is not the case in reality though.

duchy

ska_lover wrote: »

Wow, I can't imagine what kind of distant relationship YOU have with your mother if she has never visited your last 6 houses. To me, there is a difference between having your own lives, and living as strangers.

..

Well if you can't imagine having a less than stellar relationship with your mother ....you are fortunate. Maybe count your blessings instead of attacking those that don't.

fredtheguava

flossy_splodge wrote: »

But I do wonder if we all actually check that what we 'assume' is also ok for others. in fact really is.

Quite. Which is exactly why this problem has arisen - the OP's mother has 'assumed' that it's okay for her to walk in unannounced, when in fact it isn't.

If she had checked, a phone call or at the very least a knock would have been requested in a less heated situation, and the problem wouldn't be arising.

liney

flossy_splodge wrote: »

Forgive me but you sound like one of my daughters.
All the things you have so 'kindly' tried to do may NOT be what SHE wants to do. Thought of that?
Given what mothers mostly do for their children I'm afraid I think your attitude sucks.
She sounds like she most probably IS lonely and if so, to have to make an appointment to call in on her own daughter must twist her guts.
The younger generation are so busy checking they are getting what THEY want they seem to have forgotten about GIVING.
I think you're very lucky to have a mum that wants to visit with you and I hope you get a large dose of remorse when she is dead and gone and you realise what your behaviour has been like for her.

I have one daughter for whom I have carte blanche and a front door key.
I know when she is working and if I pop round to clean up a bit or feed her cats I try to go when she is not home. (she works on average a 75 hour week so I try to help out).
I ALWAYS knock first and wait and even if no answer I let myself in slowly and talk fairly loudly to the cats (who always come to the door to greet me) so that if she is in she has some warning.
Only once was she in, in bed and err asleep (not alone) so I kept up a quiet but running commentary to the cats about how I couldn't be long as I was on my way somewhere and I left without 'disturbing' her.
When we talked about it afterwards she laughed and said 'oh I know you'll always handle things ok'.
THAT'S a mother daughter relationship.
Please think about it.
You shock me.

She has been invited and assisted, but this is selfish? Yet turning up when she feels like it without any consideration for her daughter is not selfish?

You sound like my Mother. She can do no wrong, and anyone who doesn't dance to her tune is selfish and unreasonable, which is why she will never have a door key! Turning up and letting yourself into my house to faff with the cats and the housework, and have a listen to my bedroom antics? I think not.

OP, Mother or not, the first time it happened she should have been mortified and started at the very least to knock the door. You shouldn't feel guilty for asking people to check that visiting you, in your own home is convenient. As an adult she should already be using this this common curtesy.

duchy

Thing is there are assumptions on both sides and both are not seeing the view of the other. The OP is talking about cancelling plans to go out in the evening so Mum is able to drop by .......and then grumbling that Mum hasn't chosen to do so....... Well why not make a specific invitation - so Mum either says yes or no and then if she doesn't accept - go out and not make a martyr of yourself ....... also if you've said "Drop by anytime" and she does and you've left the back door unlocked (and continued to leave it unlocked) in her mind she may be doing exactly what you've invited her to do !

I assume this place you've got with your boyfriend is a new arrangement and you are feeling the need to "assert yourself" as an adult with your own home to your Mum. Once you've got the balance right (and realized the importance of security for your home.......honestly you are taking a irresponsible risk -aside from giving Mum the wrong message) things should settle down but for now it's all a bit mixed messages.