Mum showing up unannounced - have I been unfair?

ska_lover

To be honest, I think there are other things going on here, rather than the occasional interruption of alone time, by the OPs mother.

The OP seems genuinely concerned re lack of intimate or alone grown up time with her partner, so thinking there are other things such as small children, clashing schedules, etc

I can tell you a thing or two about clashing schedules, this is why ive finished a day shift now and mr ska lover wont be home until I have gone to bed, then I out before him in the morning. we get weekends together and if we do actually cast eyes on each other in the week, it is fleetingly as one of us is going out the door etc. We love each other dearly though and are working towards a common goal so know things wont always be like this

Im thinking maybe OP has similar situation going on, or little kids etc

GeckoGirl1985

ska_lover wrote: »

Ahh I see. Of course we are all different, different family dynamics etec

If the spontaneous thing isn't something you really do as such, then perhaps best to stick to what you are both happy and comfortable with without forcing things to become unnatural for you both.

Perhaps you are worrying too much about time spent with your partner, I mean if the only interruption is your mum, then perhaps things aren't as bad as you think, or are there other issues, do you have small children, work opposite shifts, what exactly is it that makes you concerned about the lack of time you spent together?


Sometimes life does make you feel like you are spreading yourself thin with relationships etc, but honestly, your relationship with your mother is one of the most important, if not THE most important relationship you will ever have.

We both work during the day in fairly hectic jobs and I also work some weekends, and we are usually caught up in the evenings with various commitments with both of our families, friends and an ever-growing list of 'things to do'. Weekends also tend to get booked up well in advance (we now have no free time to ourselves until January). I am really blessed to have a wonderful boyfriend and I adore him, which is why I feel bad that we don't seem to get much time to just 'be' together. I'm trying to find a balance in life that means I get to spend time with everyone - Mum included - but it's not easy.

ska_lover

what about putting aside , just one definite evening per week, to just be together, a date night?

We do that , we both enjoy it, perhaps a meal out, or a snuggle on the sofa, or a pizza and some board games, whatever, I would, set aside one night to be alone. together, and shut everything else out for just that one night per week. Tell people, don't ring us or call round on Friday night, unless an extreme emergency. People will totally respect that, and it is not being rude in the least, everyone knows where they stand up front

re your mum, I see her situation is really up in the air etc at the min, but perhaps , if things are so busy etc, then scheduling time, rather than spur of the moment, may work for you. Perhaps every other Saturday, pop round for a cuppa or something like that, if you sit down with her, when you are both calm and explain how busy you both are, and 'can we get together once a fortnight for a cuppa and a natter?' kind of thing?

It does sound organised or maybe even clinical, as in like time management that we all do at work, but sometimes, if time management is an issue in private life, organising things has got to be worthwhile, make you feel more in control of your own life

Mojisola

GeckoGirl1985 wrote: »

Sorry, but I don't feel that wanting to be able to make love to my boyfriend in OUR home when we eventually get an hour to ourselves and not be disturbed by surprise visitors is selfish

ska_lover wrote: »

what about putting aside , just one definite evening per week, to just be together, a date night?

A date night is nice but being spontaneous also has its place.

I can't make out GeckoGirl or her mother. After the first time, the door would have been firmly locked if I was GG and, if I was her mother, I'd never walk in unannounced again.

paulineb_2

GeckoGirl1985 wrote: »

We both work during the day in fairly hectic jobs and I also work some weekends, and we are usually caught up in the evenings with various commitments with both of our families, friends and an ever-growing list of 'things to do'. Weekends also tend to get booked up well in advance (we now have no free time to ourselves until January). I am really blessed to have a wonderful boyfriend and I adore him, which is why I feel bad that we don't seem to get much time to just 'be' together. I'm trying to find a balance in life that means I get to spend time with everyone - Mum included - but it's not easy.

Well, you could always unbook some of the commitments with family and friend and spend more time on your own.

It can be done, people wont be offended lets say if you want to spend a couple of weekends on your own.

paulineb_2

And yes, if you want to have a shag in peace and quiet and not get burgled, lock the door.

You know, sometimes people post threads thinking they are right and nothing anyone else will say will sway their opinion, Im guessing if the OP thought she was completely right in what she said to her mum, she wouldnt have started the thread at all.

As I said earlier, much more pressing stuff to be worrying about and if you and your mum do value one another and want to work on your relationship, you'll see one anothers points of view on this

Oh and as I said earlier in the thread, if your sister is such a stressed and shouty person, I dont blame your mum for wanting to get out of that house as much as she can.

seven-day-weekend

Like others,I think you should lock the back door for security reasons.

And that is all you need tell your mum. She will have to ring the bell.

I would not just walk into my son's flat, although I have a key, I always knock and wait to be let in. He does the same in our house, although he too has a key. If either of our doors were open, however, we would knock and walk in, because the open door is an invitation to do so.

Just mho.

Bennifred

Mojisola wrote: »

....................................
I can't make out GeckoGirl or her mother. After the first time, the door would have been firmly locked if I was GG and, if I was her mother, I'd never walk in unannounced again.

Indeed. I once walked in on DS1 and his girl (in my house one afternoon) after a brief knock on his bedroom door but not waiting for a "come in". NEVER again!:o:eek::rotfl:

kizzie_nikita

Have skimmed through the thread. All i have to say is that with my OH's mother, we always ask her to text/ring ahead to ask/let us know that she is coming. We don't generally like surprise visitors. Does that mean we love her any less? No, it just means we like to know before hand.

So, no OP i don't think you did anything wrong.

catkins

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

No, it's not difficult, but I can just imagine the reply I'd get off my Mam if I did that! :rotfl: Shed be offended that I even had to ask! Different families, different rules I guess.

Yes, I think it does boil down to different families have different ideas. I love my parents to bits and if they turned up at my house I wouldn't be annoyed although I wouldn't be happy if they just walked in. However my parents wouldn't just turn up because that is not something they do. I obviously have got my views on this from them.

OH's parents (when his dad was alive) would just turn up. OH was brought up like that so thought that was normal. However when his parents would turn up 3, 4 or more times a week and if we were out give us loads of abuse about them having a wasted journey OH started looking at things differently.

ska_lover wrote: »

Everyone has got their expectations of family, and whilst most of us, we revere our family, treat them closer than friends - some people like to keep theirs at arms length

If you leave a door unlocked and a person (family member or not) walks through it, it really is not that shocking. If you want privacy (and security) lock it, it is not the 1940's. It is quite common place for opportunist burglars to just walk into a property, so you were IMO lucky it was your mother.

I'd not bat an eyelid if a member of my family came round unannounced, that is the kind of close spontaneous relationship we enjoy.

This thread sucks and I hope your mother never stumbles across it!!

You come across as very immature in your posting ''style'' op

I leave my back door unlocked most of the time BUT I certainly don't expect people to walk through it whether they are family or not. Even if it is open I don't expect that.

I don't keep my family at "arms length" and would consider us to all have a close relationship but we don't just turn up at each others houses unannounced.

I am happy for my family to visit and I don't expect loads of warning but a quick phone call just makes sense. How do you know someone is definitely in unless you phone first? Or they might be in but be busy doing something.

I know once we were decorating our living room. All the furniture was piled up and we were trying to get the painting done in the little time we had (we both worked full time and commuted to work so little spare time) when OH's parents turned up. We had to sort out chairs for them and they then sat for a couple of hours totally disrupting us.

I don't get your comment that the thread sucks. Plenty of posters agree with the OP

kizzie_nikita wrote: »

Have skimmed through the thread. All i have to say is that with my OH's mother, we always ask her to text/ring ahead to ask/let us know that she is coming. We don't generally like surprise visitors. Does that mean we love her any less? No, it just means we like to know before hand.

So, no OP i don't think you did anything wrong.

I totally agree. Just because you are not the sort of family that just turn up announced doesn't mean you love each other less than all those families that think turning up is ok