Mum showing up unannounced - have I been unfair?

GeckoGirl1985

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

It's your Mam for goodness sake! How anyone can behave like this towards their own family beggars belief!

Yes, she is my mum and I love her very much. I do try to be supportive of her, particularly given her situation at the moment - our spare room is full of her things that we are looking after while her flat is sorted out and we agreed to look after her cat no questions asked, despite the fact it has caused quite significant problems with our own cat who is not tolerant of other cats in the neighbourhood let alone in the house :rotfl:. We have tried to do things for her - cancelled plans in order to keep evenings free and invited her round for dinner, invited her to the cinema, invited her for days out - things to help keep her occupied and hopefully cheer her up. So far she hasn't taken us up on any of these. That is why it is quite a shock when she surprises us unexpectedly at home instead.

Georgiegirl256

duchy wrote: »

I think you're just trying to create a bit of drama. If I had someone's pet I'd be giving them as much access as possible under the sort of circumstances your Mum is in - not trying to upset them further. You're either very young or very selfish with your "it's all about me" attitude.

This paragraph ^^^ very true, I do hate a drama queen.

Georgiegirl256

catkins wrote: »

Just because it's her mum doesn't mean it's ok just to turn up and, even worse, just to walk in. It's not difficult to make a quick call to check that the person you are thinking of visiting is in and are happy for you to visit is it?

No, it's not difficult, but I can just imagine the reply I'd get off my Mam if I did that! :rotfl: Shed be offended that I even had to ask! Different families, different rules I guess.

GeckoGirl1985

duchy wrote: »

But you don't accord her the same courtesy ? How come you wouldn't ring her before popping in to collect "urgent " post for example? On this occasion, I didn't expect her to be at home as it was the middle of the day and normally she would be at work. The post is kept next to the front door, so I didn't feel it necessary to call her and disturb her at work for the sake of checking if it was ok to stick my head through the door to see if there was an envelope on the table .

Why should she be expected to show you greater courtesy than you show her? Having a live in bloke doesn't make you special or immune from manners. You've demonstrated by your own actions (popping in yourself and also not locking the back door) that you don't regard popping in as a bad thing.......... I must say if my Mum had walked in once when I was having sex ...I'd be darn sure I never left the door unlocked again ....... If it bothered you that much-neither would you It did bother us, that is why we politely hinted that it would be nice of her to give us a quick call next time(and that's without the obvious insurance issues when a walk in thief pops in). I think you're just trying to create a bit of drama. If I had someone's pet I'd be giving them as much access as possible under the sort of circumstances your Mum is in - not trying to upset them further See my other post - we have tried to give her plenty of access by keeping evenings free and inviting her round, and she has not come round. You're either very young or very selfish with your "it's all about me" attitude.

Sorry, but I don't feel that wanting to be able to make love to my boyfriend in OUR home when we eventually get an hour to ourselves and not be disturbed by surprise visitors is selfish

ska_lover

Everyone has got their expectations of family, and whilst most of us, we revere our family, treat them closer than friends - some people like to keep theirs at arms length

If you leave a door unlocked and a person (family member or not) walks through it, it really is not that shocking. If you want privacy (and security) lock it, it is not the 1940's. It is quite common place for opportunist burglars to just walk into a property, so you were IMO lucky it was your mother.

GeckoGirl1985 wrote: »

I forgot to say, she doesn't have a key - she is letting herself in through the back door which we leave unlocked when we are home. Perhaps this is foolish of us but then we are not used to having unexpected people simply walk in on us!

I'd not bat an eyelid if a member of my family came round unannounced, that is the kind of close spontaneous relationship we enjoy.

This thread sucks and I hope your mother never stumbles across it!!

You come across as very immature in your posting ''style'' op

GeckoGirl1985

ska_lover wrote: »

Everyone has got their expectations of family, and whilst most of us, we revere our family, treat them closer than friends - some people like to keep theirs at arms length

If you leave a door unlocked and a person (family member or not) walks through it, it really is not that shocking. If you want privacy (and security) lock it, it is not the 1940's. It is quite common place for opportunist burglars to just walk into a property, so you were IMO lucky it was your mother.




I'd not bat an eyelid if a member of my family came round unannounced, that is the kind of close spontaneous relationship we enjoy.

This thread sucks and I hope your mother never stumbles across it!!

You come across as very immature in your posting ''style'' op

I suppose that is one of the things about posting on a forum with strangers - things may come across in a way they are not meant to. I don't think I'm particularly immature - I'm not trying to argue but rather explore other people's opinions and the reasons behind them. I can see how a 'debate' can come across as an 'argument' on a forum though.

Although I love my family, I don't think I could describe us as close, so the spontaneous thing is not something we really do. However reading other people's reactions to this has made me think about how my Mum and I relate and whether it can be made any better. It is just difficult as I need to make time for my bf as well before our relationship starts to suffer.

ska_lover

Ahh I see. Of course we are all different, different family dynamics etec

If the spontaneous thing isn't something you really do as such, then perhaps best to stick to what you are both happy and comfortable with without forcing things to become unnatural for you both.

Perhaps you are worrying too much about time spent with your partner, I mean if the only interruption is your mum, then perhaps things aren't as bad as you think, or are there other issues, do you have small children, work opposite shifts, what exactly is it that makes you concerned about the lack of time you spent together?

Sometimes life does make you feel like you are spreading yourself thin with relationships etc, but honestly, your relationship with your mother is one of the most important, if not THE most important relationship you will ever have.

Maz

It's really very simple.

Lock your back door for starters, for all the reasons previously outlined.

Tell your Mum that you love her coming round but you'd like a bit of notice as you may have other stuff on and could she just 'phone/text first?

We all live our lives differently and you have to set some boundaries for other people, particularly if their habits don't correspond with yours, family or not.

That's it really.

paulineb_2

GeckoGirl1985 wrote: »

Sorry, but I don't feel that wanting to be able to make love to my boyfriend in OUR home when we eventually get an hour to ourselves and not be disturbed by surprise visitors is selfish

If my mum turned up at my door unannounced, Id refer to her more than just a "surprise visitor", no matter what I was doing

Maz

Don't know why this has turned into such a big drama when it's really easy to deflect tbh.

It doesn't matter what other peoples' attitudes to droppers in are, if it means that you and your partner can't be as spontaneous as you like, you have to tell certain people what your 'rules' are. They can't be expected to be psychic and it would save a lot of uncomfortable feelings all round. Open yer gob! I wouldn't give a toss if my Mum or daughters turned up unexpectedly but it obviously has ramifications for you. Unless you tell them, they can't know, can they? You don't have to go into the gory details, just say that you might be doing something else and wouldn't want them to be disappointed or whatever. Sheesh!