step children

victory

Trying to protect the family? How? Those poor kids must know that their step mum was crying, did not want them on the hol, that they are disliked and they are not allowed to spend time alone with their dad and they have to deal with all that?

That is really going to mar the way they build relationships, trust, see people, the relationship with their father, that is a lot to bear just because the step mum has decided she does not like the innocent children and has made no effort to act like an adult and turn it around and make the situation better than life long damaging

whitewing

Sorry OP, I am with everyone else on this one. It's not a competition to see who the dad loves most out of you and his own children.

Maybe you and your husband can try some counselling together to sort out how you are both going to handle his children. I am sure the children's behaviour will improve when they feel more accepted and comfortable in their blended family. I do think it is for you to do the most changing because I think you are the person with the most unrealistic expectations. (And it may be that you both decide that separate holidays are the best solution for next year, but it has to be a positive decision not a too-weary-to-argue-any-more decision).

lostinrates

piggied wrote: »

We took them away this year and I hated every moment of it - I cried every day! The whole week was about them and what they wanted -

!

..... daughter spent 2 hours crying because she "had a headache" even though they had quite big roles in the wedding so I don't think it was a attention thing.

Your standards are not equal. Your are expecting more from a child who has had little control in the situation and considerable life disruption than you are proving able to give in a situation which you have been able to make decisions over.

It seems instead you might be able to easily put yourself in her shoes and have some compassion while addressing the issues with your husband. It might not be possible to do this with out some strong lines drawn, despite the wish expressed in your OP, depending on your respective characters.

whitewing

The wedding may have been the point that the daughter actually realised that her daddy wasn't coming home.

Are you worried about disciplining the children because you worry that once you start on them you won't be able to stop the resentment? Of course, they should have 'loving limits' when they are with you and you and dad are both responsible for that.

I expect you think we are being very harsh on you on this thread, but we are trying to help you long term, even if it's very painful for you to hear.

victory

whitewing wrote: »

The wedding may have been the point that the daughter actually realised that her daddy wasn't coming home.

.

That is actually a very good point. The poor child was sobbing (you may have seen it as ruining your day/attention seeking/taking the limelight off you and your big day) simply because she was properly able to express her raw emotions of loosing her dad to you and knowing that everything was going to change and she would never really have her dad in her life ever again....

It has now been compounded by taking them on hol and you crying every day for a week...

tattycath

I bonded with my stepchildren before I married their father. I think you need to work on your relationship with his kids.
When we go on holiday it's about all the kids, that said, if their is anything in particular my stepchildren want to do we try to accommodate this.
As has been said, your children live with their stepdad full time. Your stepchildren only get to see him (their own dad) weekends/holidays etc.
you need to discuss discipline with your husband. I occasionally tell my step kids off but if it's something more serious I tell my husband and he deals with it. Over all they are good kids but their behaviour may be down to how you treat them.

Tiglath

I know it's hard being a stepmum - DH's were 4 and 8 when I came along. I used to take myself off for weekends when they came to stay and dreaded holiday time, although of course our situation was different because there have never been any other kids in the mix. What changed for us was me deciding to spend time with each kid on our own and actually work at building a relationship with them - going for country walks with the boy, doing girly make-up and hair stuff with the girl. Now we all have a fantastic relationship and the girl has chosen to live with us now she's a working adult. You'll get through this but you must be courageous enough to change your attitude and actions - you're an adult, they're not. They're in the mix permanently - you can't do an ostrich and hope they just disappear.

FBaby

I've read the OPs' posts again and pick up second time what I hadn't first time, and that is she doesn't seem to have an issue with her husband taking the children with him without her. The problem seems to be that she doesn't dare tell him so as she thinks he would be upset.

What I am reading second time round is that OP doesn't really like her step-children, but has been pretending that she did allowing the dad to be oblivious to her feelings and thinking he had a happy reformed family. Now they are married, OP is starting the find the 'deal' a bit more difficult to cope with.

OP, you don't have to love your step-children or even like them. What you owe your husband though is honesty, and those children to treat them fairly and respectfully.

You need to have a serious talk about this with him before resentment sets in. It's not about the holiday, it's clearly how you feel about them and their position within your family. Be prepared for a strong reaction though. My husband and I have just got married after 5 years together. If he now suddenly said to me that he had an issue with the children's behaviour and the attention they get from me, and he didn't want for us all to go on holidays together any longer, I would feel seriously cheated and manipulated. Still better to face it sooner than later and try to reach compromises that growing more and more bitter and resentful about the situation.

paddy's_mum

whitewing wrote: »

you won't be able to stop the resentment?

Not picking whitewing up but this line sort of encapsulates my earlier point.

Let us assume that there is resentment and dislike. If the OP recognises that this is how she feels, and knows deep in her heart that she can't change it, isn't she wiser to try to avoid the situation?

Put another way - exactly how is she to banish those very real feelings?

My former son-out-law treated my daughter very shabbily indeed. I dislike him intensely for the suffering he put her and their children through. I know that however unchristian that may be, I will never forget and will loathe him till the day I die. Reasonable? Probably not. Understandable? Definitely.

Would I want to spend a [STRIKE]a week [/STRIKE] [STRIKE]day[/STRIKE]with him? I could perhaps manage an hour every few years if needs must.

In my view, it's better for the children not to put them into a situation where there is an atmosphere of unhappiness and distress. The conflict can be avoided and surely that is what all the adults in this situation need to be working towards. If that means separate holidays, then so be it. Better that than damage to everyone involved, in my view.

Person_one

paddy's mum, you can't really compare two children who haven't done anything wrong to an adult son-in-law who treated your daughter cruelly.

OP is a grown up, there's no way she should just decide she is never going to like or accept her step children and just avoid them. She owes them much much more than that.