step children

fabforty

paddy's_mum wrote: »

I agree but the stepmum hasn't rejected the children outright. She is happy enough when they come to the house for the weekend. She (I believe) has little or no problem with doing the normal things such as cooking lunch for them etc.

She has a problem with spending a week with them. It's too long for her to be able to cope with.

She is more than content for her husband to take the children away with him on holiday. That in itself is more reasonable than some (perhaps insecure) second spouses would be.

In the final analysis, how does anyone force anyone else to do, see and feel as they want?

As so often in real life, people must agree to disagree and find a way that works the bestest for the mostest.

Then she shouldn't have married him.

As a father, he should be able to have his children visit, take them on holiday every year, stay with him for long periods (weeks or months at a time) and/or live with him permanently if necessary. Anything less is unreasonable. That can't happen if she is in tears from day one.

Perhaps he can only afford (to pay for or take time off from work) one holiday a year. I doubt if OP would be happy if he said that from now on, he would holiday alone with his children and she could go away with hers - which is what I would be tempted to do in his shoes.

liney

Telling him that he can take his children away on his own, and you'll be 'fine,' is an indirect way of telling him to choose between you and his children, and very wrong.

You both need to plan the holiday, and make sure there is something for everyone to enjoy together as the (blended) family you are supposed to be.

They are children. You need to remember you are an adult and behave like one. If you can't then you will be making your husband and the children very unhappy. Is that fair, or likely to lead to a long and happy marriage?

19lottie82

OP I have two step daughters too, and I appreciate it can be hard at times but you really need to try and make more of an effort both for the present and the future.

And also, look at it this way, I am guessing your children are from a previous relationship? How would you like it if your exes new partner wrote a post like yours about YOUR kids?

And what would you do if, god forbid, something happened to your step children's mother and they had to come and live with you full time? This is one oft he reasons why you must try to bond with these children, before it's too late.

podperson

I appreciate you may find it awkward to deal with them - but try and see it from his and his kids' point of view. Your kids live with you both, so basically have him as a full time dad. When his kids come round at the weekend then they can't get much 1-1 time with him because he's watching your young kids while you're working so they can't go out places or do some of the things they want - so no wonder they're getting bored and don't want to come anymore.

When they do actually get the opportunity to go away with you all as a family then you spend the time crying and resenting that he wants to do things tailored for them for a change. This is for one week of the year while it sounds like your kids get their say and his time all the rest of the year. I think that you may just need to suck it up, go on the holiday - if he wants to do things geared towards the older kids then there's no reason you can't go off with yours and do something with them rather than complaining/crying about it. That way you both get some 1-1 time with your own kids but you also have the opportunity to do things as a family - and don't just think of it as you being the stepmum but your kids are now their stepsiblings so might appreciate the chance to spend time with their new extended family as well.

You're married now, he and his kids came as a package - just like you and yours did. It sounds like he makes a big effort with your kids all year round - is it really that much to ask to do the same one week a year in return for the man you love?

seven-day-weekend

I feel really sorry if his children are begrudged a week with their father when children who are not his spend all their time with him.

I think that during that week they SHOULD be put first. Let them have a special time with their dad and everyone else take a back seat, including the OP's children.

balletshoes

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

I feel really sorry if his children are begrudged a week with their father when children who are not his spend all their time with him.

I think that during that week they SHOULD be put first. Let them have a special time with their dad and everyone else take a back seat, including the OP's children.

i'm not so sure i agree with that, if its the only holiday that everyone gets, then everyone should be catered to as much as possible to make it as much fun as possible for everyone.

But as others have already suggested, theres nothing wrong in all going away on holiday together, and then spending some time apart while there, one parent taking the older kids to do something they like, which the other parent takes the younger ones to do something different, then meeting up for meals, the evening etc.

Bennifred

balletshoes wrote: »

i'm not so sure i agree with that, if its the only holiday that everyone gets, then everyone should be catered to as much as possible to make it as much fun as possible for everyone.

But as others have already suggested, theres nothing wrong in all going away on holiday together, and then spending some time apart while there, one parent taking the older kids to do something they like, which the other parent takes the younger ones to do something different, then meeting up for meals, the evening etc.

And it needn't necessarily be him with his children and her with her's either! It would be really good if the opposite could happen too.

seven-day-weekend

balletshoes wrote: »

i'm not so sure i agree with that, if its the only holiday that everyone gets, then everyone should be catered to as much as possible to make it as much fun as possible for everyone.

But as others have already suggested, theres nothing wrong in all going away on holiday together, and then spending some time apart while there, one parent taking the older kids to do something they like, which the other parent takes the younger ones to do something different, then meeting up for meals, the evening etc.

I just meant that his stepchildren are with him all the time, whilst his own children have their time rationed , that is why I think they should be put first on the holiday.

I have seen a young woman in her twenties upset because her dad's partner thinks he should make her secondary to her own children/grandchildren. I'm sure small children would be similarly upset.

DKLS

Are the step children ginger?

Loz01

Why doesn't he just go on hols with his kids just the three of them? Esp if it makes you miserable! Stay home with the baby and let them go alone for the week, I would.