step children

paddy's_mum

Person_one wrote: »

She owes them much much more than that.

I agree but the stepmum hasn't rejected the children outright. She is happy enough when they come to the house for the weekend. She (I believe) has little or no problem with doing the normal things such as cooking lunch for them etc.

She has a problem with spending a week with them. It's too long for her to be able to cope with.

She is more than content for her husband to take the children away with him on holiday. That in itself is more reasonable than some (perhaps insecure) second spouses would be.

In the final analysis, how does anyone force anyone else to do, see and feel as they want?

As so often in real life, people must agree to disagree and find a way that works the bestest for the mostest.

FBaby

I think that when a step-parent feels resentment towards a step child when they feel that their children are being pushed away, it is often more a reflection on their own feelings and attitude than that of the child. I think these feelings can be worked on and turned around.

My step-mum resented me in a very hurtful way. She met my dad when she was very young and had had a child following a one night stand. Her parents kicked her out and she was desperate to find a man who would take her and her child and with whom she could have the perfect family she longed for. She found it with my dad but... my dad came with me. She really struggled to accept my dad's devotion for me and the fact that even though he took on his daughter and adopted her, it could break the bond my dad and I had build (I was 8 by then). She really struggled with this and I got the one who paid for it.

I now know that she didn't mean to be the nasty person she was. It was a reactive way of dealing with her disappointments rather than a personal feeling towards me. Still, it did quite some damage, me in terms of my self-esteem and feeling excluded, and my dad who felt stuck in between, desperately trying to please her without destroying our relationship. Unfortunately, I grew to truly hate her and wanting nothing to do with her at all.

Yet, time does miracle and once I left town and wasn't a threat any longer, once she didn't feel the same pressure to have the perfect family for her daughter, she relaxed and gradually we got to know each other better. When I had my own children and raised them that she was their grand mother, she totally changed and became grateful I was part of her family. Since then, we have become closer and closer to the point of considering her like my second mum.

She has said to me that she wishes for nothing else but turn the clock so she could start again and welcome me in her life rather than push me away.

It is hard to become a step-parents, I can totally respect that, but there is so much more to gain by trying to build a relationship with these children, however different to how we would want our own children to be and behave, because children will adapt and chance, as long as they feel they are cared for and belong.

Tiddlywinks

Family counselling - ASAP.

Those kids deserve better... They are the 'victims' of you both marrying before sorting out HOW the new family unit was going to work.

You married a man with children... what did you think would happen?

The thought that the OP would marry a man yet believe that she could remain distant from his children is just unbelievable - selfish and self-centred.

You're the adults - act like it!

pukkamum

My stepdad did nothing to disguise his hatred for me and it ruined my childhood.
If you cannot bear to spend even a week with the man you love kids then you seriously need to decide whether it is fair to stay with him.
Personally I could not live with someone who clearly had no intention of having my kids as an integral part of the family, and to not tell him this before marriage, giving him chance to meet someone who was willing to love his children, is quite frankly disgusting.
No wonder his daughter was sobbing at the wedding, she clearly senses your dislike of her.

jellyhead

victory wrote: »

Trying to protect the family? How? Those poor kids must know that their step mum was crying, did not want them on the hol, that they are disliked and they are not allowed to spend time alone with their dad and they have to deal with all that?

That is really going to mar the way they build relationships, trust, see people, the relationship with their father, that is a lot to bear just because the step mum has decided she does not like the innocent children and has made no effort to act like an adult and turn it around and make the situation better than life long damaging

They are 'allowed' to spend time alone with their dad. OP has suggested that the dad takes his kids on holiday without her, but the dad, understandably, wants them all to be one big, happy family.

OP what ages are these kids? Is there a big age gap between yours and his children?

You need to talk to him, but more about how to accommodate activities for every age group rather than making him feel that you don't actually like his children. My husband and I sometimes split up on holidays for a day or half day so one does an activity with the oldest child and one with the youngest. We all love each other but we don't have to spend every minute of every day together.

We want the children to all get along and play together and they mostly do, but the large age gap means that there will be things that one wants to do which are unsuitable or boring for the other, e.g. if youngest likes wacky warehouse but eldest is too tall to go in and play, or eldest wants to see a film but it might be scary for youngest, or youngest won't sit still for long enough and would ruin it for the others.

Perhaps you could take turns to choose what you do on each day?

The discipline issue also needs sorting.

Clutterfree

Wow, just wow.
I'm glad my late step mum didn't have your attitude!

She always told me that when she met my dad, she knew he came as a package with 2 children. We were 10 and 12 at the time and when I look back sure we tested the boundaries in the beginning but we ended up being great friends. I used to confide in her when I was a teenager more than my own mum. She died last year and I miss her.

Don't resent your step children, they are part of your husband. You knew the deal when you married him. I bet your husband feels like he is between a rock and a hard place.
How would you feel if he suggested leaving your children at home and just take his? Not a nice feeling, eh?

FBaby

I don't think ignoring one step-child is terrible, especially if you're not living together. When I mean 'ignoring' I don't mean so in a resentful way, but in a I don't mind you, but am not particularly interested in you either.

My step-dad took that attitude and it didn't bother me much. I had my loving dad and didn't need another to replace that role. I didn't need a friend, I had plenty, nor a mentor. All I needed was someone who would make my mum happy, and not changed my relationship with my mum too drastically. He didn't. Despite not showing me much interest, he was respectful of my place and never interfered between my mum and I. He never showed resentment or jealousy when I spent time with my mum, and if he ever said things to my mum about my disciplining or education, it certainly never got back to me (I don't think he did, it was beyond his interest). All this to say that as a step-child, I was quite fine with this type of a relationship based on respect and politeness. It very much remained like this when I became an adult until he passed away and it worked just as well for the three of us.

Mojisola

piggied wrote: »

We took them away this year and I hated every moment of it - I cried every day!

piggied wrote: »

At our wedding his lad was caught stealing and his daughter spent 2 hours crying because she "had a headache" even though they had quite big roles in the wedding so I don't think it was a attention thing.

Wow! Double standards!

Like a lot of the other posters, you really need to sort out your issues with his children. I haven't got step-children but I couldn't have children in the house that I was afraid to discipline - even when the kids had friends round to play, they were expected to comply with our house rules.

If you can't work this out between you, get some counselling.

sulkisu

piggied wrote: »

Hi all,

This might make me sound awful, but hubby has just said he wants us to take his 2 children on holiday again in the next couple of years and I am filled with dread!

How do I say no without a big argument???

We took them away this year and I hated every moment of it - I cried every day! The whole week was about them and what they wanted - my kids didn't get a look in.

Granted we have took mine away every year, but they live with us, I don't feel like I can tell his kids off when they misbehave but if I tell him I feel like a snitch!

The whole thought of another week away with them I feel sick over and I have tried telling him to take them on his own for some quality 1-1 time with them but he says he wants me to be there...

Any ideas how to get out of it plz!

Yes, it does sound awful and you don't get out of it - having married their father, you accept it. Your children live with you both, his children spend far less time with him. The fact that you spent the whole week crying because your husband 'perhaps' indulged his children for one whole week, says more about you than them and really doesn't bode well for a happy future.

As for his daughter crying at the wedding, just because the wedding was a happy event for you and OH, don't assume that it was for everyone else - especially his children who were probably at best overwhelmed at the fact that their lives had just changed forever. If you can sob for a week over very little, why is it so hard to comprehend a child crying for a couple of hours under the circumstances?

balletshoes

paddy's_mum wrote: »

Not picking whitewing up but this line sort of encapsulates my earlier point.

Let us assume that there is resentment and dislike. If the OP recognises that this is how she feels, and knows deep in her heart that she can't change it, isn't she wiser to try to avoid the situation?

Put another way - exactly how is she to banish those very real feelings?

My former son-out-law treated my daughter very shabbily indeed. I dislike him intensely for the suffering he put her and their children through. I know that however unchristian that may be, I will never forget and will loathe him till the day I die. Reasonable? Probably not. Understandable? Definitely.

Would I want to spend a [STRIKE]a week [/STRIKE] [STRIKE]day[/STRIKE]with him? I could perhaps manage an hour every few years if needs must.

In my view, it's better for the children not to put them into a situation where there is an atmosphere of unhappiness and distress. The conflict can be avoided and surely that is what all the adults in this situation need to be working towards. If that means separate holidays, then so be it. Better that than damage to everyone involved, in my view.

But the OP's stepchildren are children - they're not adults, they're still cooking, still growing, emotionally as well as physically. I'm not sure how much effort the OP has already, or continues to, input into forging a relationship at all with her stepkids, but surely for the good of the whole family she should be trying her hardest to do so? She's the adult, its not 2 adults who don't get along and can't make the effort to, its one adult with children? To me, thats completely different.

The conflict can be avoided - but at what cost? A family until forever split into "his kids" and "my kids" and "I'll make myself scarce when they come round for the rest of their lives"? How is that going to be for the best for the kids, any and all of them in this family group?