Why doesn't he want to marry me?

poet123

Person_one wrote: »

She didn't make a deliberate decision though, whatever your thoughts on pill failures, she's told us it was an accident not a choice. I know you well enough to know you wouldn't have advocated abortion, so what are you suggesting she could have done?

Not have another?

Person_one

poet123 wrote: »

Not have another?

Again though, time machine?

I can understand her reasons, she wanted a small age gap, he'd been an involved parent and partner, he'd made a choice to stay and be a family, he wanted the second child too.

A friend of mine is a single parent to a 5 year old. One of her regrets is not having a second sooner, even though the relationship with dad failed shed have loved her daughter to have a sibling and that might never happen now. If it does, the age gap will mean they won't have the sort of relationship she had with her brother. Its very much a source of sadness for her.

stir_crazy

GwylimT wrote: »

Erm, not have sex? I doubt it was immaculate conception.

What a ridiculous thing to say in this day and age! You sound like my grandmother. And tbh I bet even she had sex before she got married.

j.e.j.

GwylimT wrote: »

Erm, not have sex? I doubt it was immaculate conception.

or even (gasp!) use contraception :rotfl:

I do take Person_One's point that this isn't much help to the girl now. I'm just saying what reason has he got to marry her? Perhaps he never wanted to, and without the children they might have gone their separate ways by now and she'd have been able to meet someone who did want to get married. But now she's between a rock and a hard place, - she's forever tied to this guy, through the children, but she's never going to get what she really wants from this relationship.

Horace

Maybe he just doesn't want to get married? Marriage changes things so don't force the issue.

I had some friends who were together for 26 years before they got married and they only got married because he was terminally ill and he was advised by his solicitor that it would better if he and his partner married because it would make life easier for his partner with regard to inheritance. He really couldn't see the point before because both he and his partner (now widow) were happy as they were, mind you they were happy after they married.

Maybe it is you that wants the sparkly ring and the big wedding after seeing all your chums get married but that isn't what being married is all about. I think you should leave well alone and let him ask when he is ready. He has already shown commitment to you by having kids with you and sharing a house.

poet123

Person_one wrote: »

Again though, time machine?

I can understand her reasons, she wanted a small age gap, he'd been an involved parent and partner, he'd made a choice to stay and be a family, he wanted the second child too.

Well, yes, but if no marriage was a deal breaker why bring another child into the equation via a conscious choice?

Why not say I am not comfortable about having another baby with you until we are married.

GwylimT

Person_one wrote: »

So anybody not actively planning a child should be abstinent?

Yes if you don't want to have children without marriage, as it either means your miserable you don't have a silly bit of paper or you end up with a shotgun marriage. Frankly its crazy that people are willing to shag someone they don't want to have kids with, its completely stupid!

Person_one

stir_crazy wrote: »

What a ridiculous thing to say in this day and age! You sound like my grandmother. And tbh I bet even she had sex before she got married.

I know mine did, my mum was born 4 months after her wedding! :rotfl:

neverdespairgirl

lostinrates wrote: »

I don't feel more my parent's person than my husband tbh. I'm called something unusual enough that people who don't use a diminutive just use the first name without confusing me with another:).

Keeping my name doesn't feel like keeping my Dad's, though. It's *my* name, nothing to do with how I got it in the first place (-:

lostinrates wrote: »

I don't think marriage makes it. I think the conversations do ( and i think ndg, you are forthright enough to have had them!) I think the agreements do, I think the legalities do.....which is why I am so passionate about them being accorded to same sex partnerships equally for stability and emotional security. The ceremony is often the lunch pad for the less forthright to raise these points I think, or discuss alternatives to the points to cover legally.

Similarly, everyone should write a will IMO. Even those with no money but items of sentiment. The items of sentiment can cause years of hurt, sometimes the dents of which never quite heal.

OH and I both have wills. My parents updated theirs last year, when my mother was being treated for cancer, because they realised theirs were full of arrangements for minor children, and references to grandparents, and so forth. Not relevant any more!

Person_one wrote: »

Most do, but sometimes people can have very different ideas about what 'best interests' means.

That's certainly true, but I doubt very much that my OH and parents would differ much (both know my general views on things, for example) and that things wouldn't be different whoever had the final "say". There's a lot of mutual respect between my parents and OH, and they know each other very well. Similarly, OH and I agreed when making our wills that my parents would be the best guardians for our son by a long way, should that come to pass.

MoneySavingMamma wrote: »

First baby was unplanned, born when I was 19, the plan was to be engaged at 21, after university. The engagement never happened because of the change in relationship.
We felt when I was 16/17/18 it was too young, which in most cases is true, but looking back, I wish we had done it then, before the hard stuff came!

The mortgage happened only because of the baby, and in his name.

The mortgage being in his name only would bother me a lot more than marriage, to be honest. Everything OH and I own is joint.

Errata

Person_one wrote: »

Well yeah!

I've shacked up with two, the point was to see if we could stand to live together, we couldn't. There's no way in hell I'd ever marry somebody without at least a year or two of cohabitation, and that's how most of my peers feel too.

How many more do you think you'll shack up with? You don't need to hold out for the peacock with the most feathers, just the peacock with the good enough feathers.