Why doesn't he want to marry me?

claire16c

stir_crazy wrote: »

I don't think it's fair to say that the OP has given her OH "too much too soon". I'm of an age now where most of my friends have settled down, and I would say the ones who have had children before getting married are certainly in the majority. In fact, the only friend with children who isn't married is planning their wedding for next year. It seems to be almost the norm now for people to live together and have children before marriage.

Maybe it just is either random or depends on your social circle.

Lots of my friends are married with kids or are engaged without kids, I can only think of 2 couples who had the baby first, everyone else planned the wedding & then planned the baby. And the two that didn't were both accidental pregnancies.

stir_crazy

GwylimT wrote: »

Frankly its crazy that people are willing to shag someone they don't want to have kids with, its completely stupid!

Oh god, I better stop sleeping with my husband - we decided we were CFBC!!!

Person_one

Errata wrote: »

How many more do you think you'll shack up with? You don't need to hold out for the peacock with the most feathers, just the peacock with the good enough feathers.

Oh I don't think I'll bother again, I've been far happier just living with myself. Just 'good enough' wouldn't be good enough for me, maybe settling like that is why so many people end up unhappy or bored in their relationships?

runningwoman

very OT digression again , but on the previous posts about pregnancies being coincidental or not and the whole TTC thing....(never been either and gonna be CF by choice so can't personally comment)

Read the 1st volume of the autobiography of Doris Lessing, called Under My Skin.

She had an unplanned pregnancy (pre war) and she theorised it was almost like the world zeitgeist was replacing the men who were soon going to be lost? Something a bit random and supernatural about the whole thing...

Lessing had theories about her body just being "more willing" to override the precautions she was taking, and make a baby under certain circumstances? So really not 100% under her control....Mother Nature will have its way and all that.

neverdespairgirl

Person_one wrote: »

I know mine did, my mum was born 4 months after her wedding! :rotfl:

My mother's parents were married on 2nd September 1939, having brought their wedding forward from December. The war was clearly on the cards, and my Grandad was in the Wavy Navy, so he knew he'd be called up sharpish.

My Granny remained indignant and various elderly female relatives tut-tutting about "sudden" weddings and eyeing her waistline - they didn't seem to think that a World War was an explanation enough for bringing forward the nuptials, they wanted to imagine a baby on the way. As my uncle wasn't born until 4 years later, I think they were probably wrong.......

Person_one wrote: »

A friend of mine is a single parent to a 5 year old. One of her regrets is not having a second sooner, even though the relationship with dad failed shed have loved her daughter to have a sibling and that might never happen now. If it does, the age gap will mean they won't have the sort of relationship she had with her brother. Its very much a source of sadness for her.

That seems a pointless sadness or regret, really, to me. It's how things have happened, so there's not much point regretting it.

My son is 8, and I'm pregnant now. There will be a larger age gap between Isaac and no. 2 than there is between me and my brother, and Bruv and I have two sisters between us!

It's one of those things, though, it's how life's worked out.

stir_crazy

claire16c wrote: »

Maybe it just is either random or depends on your social circle.

Lots of my friends are married with kids or are engaged without kids, I can only think of 2 couples who had the baby first, everyone else planned the wedding & then planned the baby. And the two that didn't were both accidental pregnancies.

It is possible that its just how my circle of friends ended up. But I still think that its not really fair on either the OP or her OH to say he doesn't need to bother with marriage because he already has the kids. The OP doesn't even know her OH's reason for not wanting to get married so why should we presume that this is it?

MoneySavingMamma

daisiegg wrote: »

I wonder if 99% effective means....1 in 100 people will get pregnant at some point while using the pill, or if it means that if you use the pill for contraception over 100 months, chances are you will get pregnant in one of them?! I don't think I have explained that very well but it is a slightly scary thought.

It just feels so crazy that people can fall pregnant so easily while supposedly doing everything right to avoid it, and yet plenty of other people take months and months of actively trying to get pregnant before it happens (and that is not taking into account people with fertility issues who take longer...I mean, just ordinary healthy fertile people taking months of trying). I know I am not being logical. It just feels like it hasn't been arranged quite right! :rotfl:

ETA congratulations btw on your pregnancy

I am evidence of how easy it is for some to get pregnant.
1st baby (unplanned) just one 'incident' resulted in pregnancy.
I've been pregnant a further 4times (planned) and fell in 1st month/week of trying. (But 2 didn't want to stay with me, 6wks & 11wks)

I know this isn't the norm, but we really are a very good 'fertility' match :rotfl:

Person_one

neverdespairgirl wrote: »

That seems a pointless sadness or regret, really, to me. It's how things have happened, so there's not much point regretting it.

My son is 8, and I'm pregnant now. There will be a larger age gap between Isaac and no. 2 than there is between me and my brother, and Bruv and I have two sisters between us!

It's one of those things, though, it's how life's worked out.

I don't disagree, but people can't generally just decide to 'turn off' sadness. All regrets are pointless really, none of us can change the past, but its human nature to look back sometimes and wish things had been different.

runningwoman

PS Dear Mother Nature, my domestic/caring/selflessness abilities are nil and my siblings have continued the family dynasty, so please don't make my Pill the one to fail! :eek:

Robisere

I lived with someone in another country and we had two children. It became the most unhappy, miserable time of my life, due to her inability to love whole-heartedly and her unfaithfulness. I had to leave, for various reasons I could not take the children with me but if I had not gone, I would most likely have been in a foreign jail with a Life sentence. I knew that she would look after the children but all these years later I cannot watch programmes like "Long Lost Families" as it still breaks my heart. The children are now adults in their forties and I have made several attempts to contact them over the years, always to be rebuffed. The last time I put myself through that, they both told me that they wanted nothing to do with both their parents.

25 years ago I met the lady who is now my wife. She had been through an acrimonious divorce from a real swine of a bloke and had two children almost the same age as my own. We built a family together and now have 4 lovely grandchildren, all of whom I held on the day they were born. I did the whole bit: down on one knee, proposed in the old-fashioned way, had the ring ready and my lady accepted. We never looked back and eventually moved to another county, where the grandchildren have grown up. We all are very affectionate together and I believe we are like that because we have together found the family life that was denied at first.

I don't think it matters one way or another whether you marry or not: what does matter is the love of a family unit. Do you have that? Then nurture it, keep it alive. it is not the marrying that counts, it's the love for each other and the children you have together. Take him with you one night to watch them asleep, tell him, "Look what we made, love, look what we have." then don't mention marriage again.