Why doesn't he want to marry me?

Noctu

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

I would want us all to have the same name, whatever it was (his, mine, double-barrelled). However, if we were not married, any children would have my name. (I would not plan to have any children without being married, but sometimes plans go wrong).

If, after having children, he refused to marry me, I personally would think he was just biding time until something better came along. I probably would not stay and that is why any children would have my name.

I'm glad to say we were firmly married for nearly ten years before we had our son

Just mho.

seven-day-weekend said it much better than I did! Couldn't agree more.

I would add that I have a friend who is recently engaged, after being with her partner for several years and has just had a (much wanted) baby with him. He swore blind he wouldn't get married again, he'd been married before which ended in an acrimonious divorce.

My friend found out she had serious fertility issues and was told, if she was ever going to fall pregnant, she would need to start trying NOW as she only had around one year of fertility left. (She's late 20s). Thankfully she fell pregnant despite being told there was a very, very poor chance it would happen. My poor friend was in tears asking why her partner wouldn't commit to her especially when she fell pregnant and eventually had the baby.

When the baby was a few months old he eventually found it within himself (!) to propose to her and they are now planning their wedding...

ETA their baby has both their surnames, double barrelled, and she is planning to change it to his name once they are married. She'll be taking his surname as well.

Torry_Quine

Kynthia wrote: »

Have you not been reading the thread??? Most of the examples with children on here include an unplanned pregnancy, which does take some if the choices away. Otherwise I agree with you, as I refused to buy a property together or start a family until married, but I did move to his place as he said he couldn't imagine a life together and marriage without seeing how living together worked.

What I'm beginning to wonder is why the children of these unmarried couples are given the father's surname? Why do we not use the mother's surname and out of interest, would it make a difference to the fathers' thoughts of marriage in the future?

Of course I've been reading the thread, did you actually read my reply?

I said if marriage is so important why would you live together and have children and then wonder that marriage seems unimportant. Yes pregnancy is sometimes unplanned but surely not totally unexpected if in a sexual relationship.:o

newcook

Noctu wrote: »

Mm. Making two children with you but not bothering to commit with marriage, despite knowing it's very important to you. It's a difficult situation but I'd be questioning a future with him.

That might raise the hackles of the "marriage is just a piece of paper" crowd but that's just my opinion.

Would you have said the same if the OP’s question was ‘OH wants to get married but I don’t want to’?

Its not that he cant be bothered – he just doesn’t want to get married!

Soleil_lune

I haven't read all of the messages here, but I have to say that I would find it very difficult to stay in a relationship with someone who plain and simple would not marry me. It's like he's basically telling his children, that their mother is not good enough to marry, or to take his name. And yes, it would make me wonder if he was waiting for a better offer to come along.

And I find it most odd that people get married and have a home together, and even have children together, and yet don't get married.

I guess marriage isn't for everyone, but I just don't 'get' why people stay together for many years, and never marry. I find it even stranger that they have children and STILL don't get married, and even STRANGER, that the children they have always have the father's name. Why?

Also, if you are not married, you have no right to ANYthing of his. And his parents, and possibly siblings can take his 'share' of everything. Also, any ex wife he may have, has more right to anything of his than you do.

From his side: if a man is not on the birth certificate and not married to the mother, he has NO right to any of the children. Diddly squat.

In addition, you will have no rights to any of his pension, and there's all kinds of other problems.

Why people have children and don't get married never ceases to baffle and amaze me.

This is of no help to you though OP: And I genuinely have no answer for you. I am sorry you are in this predicament. Maybe you should talk to him at length, and explain the cons t being unmarried. And there are more cons than pros.

If you love him, and you have kids together, then I think you will have to suck it up, or leave him. But you can't make someone marry you. Sorry. I would really really want to know the specific reason why though.

Noctu

newcook wrote: »

Would you have said the same if the OP’s question was ‘OH wants to get married but I don’t want to’?

Its not that he cant be bothered – he just doesn’t want to get married!

I understand where you're coming from. But he's having his cake and eating it too - house, kids. I could completely understand if they hadn't had children together.

Honestly? If she posted and said she didn't want to get married, but had kids etc with him, and it was very important to him, I'd be questioning her reasons for not wanting to commit fully to him (that is my opinion of what marriage is). Perhaps waiting for someone better to come along? I'd also suggest that he may end up leaving her for someone who is willing to properly commit to him.

Like I said just my opinion.

System

OP I still say you gave him too much too soon.

valk_scot

Um...not sure if anyone else has asked but have you considered the possibility that he might already be married? I know it's very unlikely and far fetched but it is possible that he might have married and separated before he met you and for one reason or another didn't divorce.

Tiddlywinks

I always wonder how many of those 'unplanned', 'mistake', how-did-that-happen-when-I-was-on-the-pill pregnancies were actually 'planned' as leverage to get a partner to commit.

MSE just seems full of the 'I fell pregnant' scenarios yet, in real life, I know of only one 'accident' in all of my colleagues, family and friends (over nearly 5 decades!).

The reality is that if you absolutely shouldn't get pregnant then use a 'belt AND braces' approach.

AlexLK

My wife took my surname upon marriage. Any other option was not discussed for no other reason than she hated her maiden name (to the point of almost changing her name before I even met her) but did not dislike my surname. I've no doubt had she liked her maiden name we would have likely ended up with a double barrelled surname as it's not something which bothers me.

Re. children taking the father's surname: I believe the idea traditionally is about the "proving" paternity of said child.

Bazey

Judi wrote: »

OP I still say you gave him too much too soon.

Hindsight eh.

Always wanted to get that on Countdown.