Why doesn't he want to marry me?

Errata

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

I always wonder how many of those 'unplanned', 'mistake', how-did-that-happen-when-I-was-on-the-pill pregnancies were actually 'planned' as leverage to get a partner to commit.

MSE just seems full of the 'I fell pregnant' scenarios yet, in real life, I know of only one 'accident' in all of my colleagues, family and friends (over nearly 5 decades!).

The reality is that if you absolutely shouldn't get pregnant then use a 'belt AND braces' approach.

It's the modern version of the 1950's virgin births that used to make headlines in the NOW.

neverdespairgirl

daisiegg wrote: »

The pill, when taken correctly, is over 99% effective. You just have to have half a brain and follow the instructions in the pack. I have 'trusted the pill as my only contraceptive' for a decade and managed never to get pregnant, and there are many other women in the same position!

I can truthfully say that I got pregnant at the age of 26 when on the mini-pill, and hadn't taken one late, or missed one. But I was on it altogether for 15 years, and it "failed" one month out of all that time.

I'm pregnant again for the second time, aged 35, but this one was entirely deliberate (-: And I'd only come off the pill 2 weeks before lightening struck, so I think I am quite fertile. And OH is too, obviously!

Retrogamer

There seems to be a reoccuring theme in this thread from people who assume just because some doesn't want to get married, they don't want to commit.

If it's not for religious reasons it seems very insecure to think such things in my opinion. I don't think that alone is justification to assume the partner not wanting to get married, doesn't wish to stay with them long term.

It's just a case of marriage isn't as important to some people's happyness as it is to others.

daisiegg

neverdespairgirl wrote: »

I can truthfully say that I got pregnant at the age of 26 when on the mini-pill, and hadn't taken one late, or missed one. But I was on it altogether for 15 years, and it "failed" one month out of all that time.

I'm pregnant again for the second time, aged 35, but this one was entirely deliberate (-: And I'd only come off the pill 2 weeks before lightening struck, so I think I am quite fertile. And OH is too, obviously!

I wonder if 99% effective means....1 in 100 people will get pregnant at some point while using the pill, or if it means that if you use the pill for contraception over 100 months, chances are you will get pregnant in one of them?! I don't think I have explained that very well but it is a slightly scary thought.

It just feels so crazy that people can fall pregnant so easily while supposedly doing everything right to avoid it, and yet plenty of other people take months and months of actively trying to get pregnant before it happens (and that is not taking into account people with fertility issues who take longer...I mean, just ordinary healthy fertile people taking months of trying). I know I am not being logical. It just feels like it hasn't been arranged quite right! :rotfl:

ETA congratulations btw on your pregnancy

cte1111

I think the 99% effective means over a year, e.g. for 100 women that are using that form of the pill, 1 will become pregnant over the course of 1 year (statistically). Although with other factors, such as lack of effectiveness when taking antibiotics or having a stomach upset, the chances are probably slightly higher.

neverdespairgirl

daisiegg wrote: »

I wonder if 99% effective means....1 in 100 people will get pregnant at some point while using the pill, or if it means that if you use the pill for contraception over 100 months, chances are you will get pregnant in one of them?! I don't think I have explained that very well but it is a slightly scary thought.

It just feels so crazy that people can fall pregnant so easily while supposedly doing everything right to avoid it, and yet plenty of other people take months and months of actively trying to get pregnant before it happens (and that is not taking into account people with fertility issues who take longer...I mean, just ordinary healthy fertile people taking months of trying). I know I am not being logical. It just feels like it hasn't been arranged quite right! :rotfl:

ETA congratulations btw on your pregnancy

I think it means that if 100 sexually-active women take it for a year, one will get pregnant. That's how I understand it, anyway.

My mother warned me (rightly, as it turned out, and warned all 3 of her daughters) that she had got pregnant the very first month of trying with each of her 4 children, from ages 28 to 36, and so had her own mother, and that we should therefore not ever take risks unless we were sure we wanted a child, no "it'll be OK this once" or anything.

Several times over the years, I realised I'd been late or missed one, or had a stomach upset or whatever, and every time, we used condoms for a fortnight.

If the 99% is as I think, then the "risk" is higher for some women (those who get pregnant very easily) than others, as some women wouldn't get pregnant in a year without any form of contraception.

Vicky123

Retrogamer wrote: »

There seems to be a reoccuring theme in this thread from people who assume just because some doesn't want to get married, they don't want to commit.

If it's not for religious reasons it seems very insecure to think such things in my opinion. I don't think that alone is justification to assume the partner not wanting to get married, doesn't wish to stay with them long term.

It's just a case of marriage isn't as important to some people's happyness as it is to others.

It's important to the OP though, and if we turn it round what reason would he have not to marry the woman he loves and mother of his children?

Pechow

neverdespairgirl wrote: »

I think it means that if 100 sexually-active women take it for a year, one will get pregnant. That's how I understand it, anyway.

That's correct, and that's assuming perfect useage. Typical useage is slightly different/lower, due to things like missing a pill, other medication interfering, sickness, etc.

Saturnalia

neverdespairgirl wrote: »

I think it means that if 100 sexually-active women take it for a year, one will get pregnant. That's how I understand it, anyway.

My mother warned me (rightly, as it turned out, and warned all 3 of her daughters) that she had got pregnant the very first month of trying with each of her 4 children, from ages 28 to 36, and so had her own mother, and that we should therefore not ever take risks unless we were sure we wanted a child, no "it'll be OK this once" or anything.

Several times over the years, I realised I'd been late or missed one, or had a stomach upset or whatever, and every time, we used condoms for a fortnight.

If the 99% is as I think, then the "risk" is higher for some women (those who get pregnant very easily) than others, as some women wouldn't get pregnant in a year without any form of contraception.

My sister came off contraception soon after her wedding as both our mum and BIL's mum had taken years to conceive. Sister calculates that she was pregnant the same week! :eek:

Her 2nd baby - they'd been trying for a year with no success and during that time sister's health was going downhill. She finally got a diagnosis and a hospital stay to stabilise her new lifelong medical condition, was told during her time in hospital that it was likely she would be infertile... she was pregnant the next month! :eek:

Then there is my aunt who found out on her 40th birthday she was expecting her first child, 4 months after her wedding.

So I think I can read from that that carelessness with contraception just isn't an option for me either.

Retrogamer

Vicky123 wrote: »

What reason would he have not to marry the woman he loves and mother of his children?

Because it's not as important to some people as it is to others
They can have a committed satisfying and trustful relationship without it.

For me it would be simply asking someone why they couldn't have the above without marriage and if they could provide convincing reasons then i'd change my mind.

If it's not for religious reasons you can have parties, share things and change names ect without being married.

It's not as important anymore as it used to be IMO