is this verbal abuse?

maintenanceman

I have read the first post only. In that you say that after a 6 month seperation you have decided to give it another go. The answer is in the first line of your original question. There's no point trying assign blame for why the relationship ended. It ended, it's just that you oth didn't realise it. Time to move on.

coolcait

accountingbod wrote: »

later that evening she cooked me dinner ..

During and after dinner however we got in to a bit of a debate/discussion about the health service which went on for about an hour. I was quite into the debate and eventually she indicated that had had enough of talking about by saying she wasnt going to answer a question i had put forward.

I did then ask her to answer to wrap the conversation up which she did and i then got a bit carried away again, starting up the debate.

Why? What made you 'start up' the 'debate' again - after your wife had said that she had had enough of talking about it, yet still went along with your wish that she answered your question (having already said that she didn't want to), in order to comply with your wish/need to 'wrap the conversation up'?

She then totally lost it at me. She started shouting at me telling me that i was pushing the conversation too far.
...

As above.

I was gone for two hours ...

Why?

accountingbod wrote: »

.. I went on a bit ...

Why?

I don't think you've explained why you insisted that your wife answer your question - even after she said that she didn't want to - or why you then started up the debate again.

Why did you?

maintenanceman

Give it up mate. There's no future apart from resentment and anger, arguments confliction. Bail out. Don't diagnose it repose it.

Jenny484

There's never an excuse for abuse, however, the OP sounds pretty annoying to me too, I would probably get annoyed if I was his wife and he went on about something I had clearly stated I did not want to talk about, too. Those two people aren't suited to one another.

sacha28

I'm kind of glad that people seem to see the situation for what it really is......2 people that clearly wind each other up and have reached the end of the road in their relationship as neither are prepared to accept responsibility for their own failings/issues.

When I read the OP I must admit I had a bit of a giggle. Not because the OP was called names, just that I haven't called anyone a moron for about 16 years as insults have become much more disgusting nowadays!!

I have first hand experience of emotional/mental abuse (it took 11 years and several attempts to leave before my actual LBM) and I would say that this isn't all one sided. The OP displayed a certain level of controlling behaviour and then acted 'wounded' by her apparent lack of self control, blaming his earlier issues with bullying. In this instance I think he needs to look at his own behaviour and realise that he amounted to bullying tactics whilst trying to engage in a 'philosophical debate' that wasn't well received.

The man acted like a bell end and was told as such, shame taking responsibility for his own actions doesn't feature. I feel sorry for his wife who HAS admitted she has an anger problem and has agreed to counselling, whilst the OP clearly harbours bitterness from his childhood yet refuses to acknowledge he, too, needs help!

Bazey

sacha28 wrote: »

The man acted like a bell end

I lol'ed at this. I look forward to seeing more of your posts.

Jenny484

sacha28 wrote: »

When I read the OP I must admit I had a bit of a giggle. Not because the OP was called names, just that I haven't called anyone a moron for about 16 years as insults have become much more disgusting nowadays!!

Agree, the OP also comes across as overly sensitive to me. Another poster has mentioned that the OP has been telling his wife it's over and going back and forth, clearly that can't be good for any relationship. His wife too needs some sort of stability to work on herself and her anger management issues.

paddy's_mum

Jenny484 wrote: »

her anger management issues.

Perhaps her 'issue' is not that she can't control her anger but that she cannot control being shoved around, cornered, goaded, belittled, intimidated, walked-out-on and generally treated like a feeble minded and inadequate junior member.

Has the OP ever considered the old expression "you'd drive even a saint to drink!"? How insensitive and determined must someone be to keep pushing when the other party has politely said they've had enough, thank you very much? Considerate, courteous, respectful, loving ... or cold, forceful, obstructive, arrogant and bullying?

This couple may love each other but what comes over very clearly is that there is very little liking. How long should anyone carry on wasting their life living in a hotbed of dislike and hostility?

pollypenny

Jenny484 wrote: »

Agree, the OP also comes across as overly sensitive to me. Another poster has mentioned that the OP has been telling his wife it's over and going back and forth, clearly that can't be good for any relationship. His wife too needs some sort of stability to work on herself and her anger management issues.

Exactly! As I said before, his long post sounds like a kid telling tales!

She said to me.......then I said to her........ Then she said to me........then I said to her .......then she called me ...........

Shades of Vicky Pollard! :cool:

Morglin

accountingbod wrote: »

Hi all

Some of you may recognise my name and previous threads about my marriage.
Well, we seperated for six months and recently decided to give things another go - i felt like i could let the past go and so could she.

It has been two weeks and everything had been going fine until yesterday.

To begin with, in the morning, my wife started a conversation with me but when i responded she got really angry at me for no reason (although her reason was that the cupboard was annoying her).
We concluded that being around each other in the morning when in a rush was what caused it and later that evening she cooked me dinner by way of apology which was nice.

During and after dinner however we got in to a bit of a debate/discussion about the health service which went on for about an hour. I was quite into the debate and eventually she indicated that had had enough of talking about by saying she wasnt going to answer a question i had put forward.

I did then ask her to answer to wrap the conversation up which she did and i then got a bit carried away again, starting up the debate.

She then totally lost it at me. She started shouting at me telling me that i was pushing the conversation too far.
I left the room when she started shouting and went upstairs where she then followed me up and carried on shouting at me as well as calling me a dimwit, a moron and stupid.
Eventually i ran downstairs and left the house as i couldnt take anymore.
She probably shouted at me for about 15 minutes in all.

I should add that the debate was non-accusational. The only questions i was asking where philosophical, they were not personal or judgemental.

I was gone for two hours and generally she was texting me and telling me when i got back that i pushed her too far and that was why she lost it at me.

I told her that i thought she had an anger issue and calling me names and shouting at me was verbal abuse and she flat out denied it and kept saying if i hadnt pushed her she wouldnt have had to shout at me and call me names.

She also said that is someone out there who would take her just the way she is which may be true but i said good luck to finding someone who would tolerate un-provoked outbursts.

I tried to remind her that all of us are tried and tested by people at times but lashing out and shouting at someone is not the right response.

I feel like rubbish today and kinda get the feeling that she is not going to change and that she doesnt feel like she did anything wrong.

This has happened in the past before we seperated but with a fresh start i have left this behind and am only focusing on the now.

I told her that her addressing her anger management was a deal breaker for our relationship as i cant tread on eggshells and i refuse to be spoken to like that in my own home.

So much for trying again it seems. I just wanted to be sure that im not going mad and my response to how she acts is justified.

Thanks for reading. i know it's a bit long but im determined not to fall in to the same trap again. It's actually quite hard for me as a man to admit that what might be going on is verbal abuse.

Well, it's all about how you feel about someone.

I certainly had an anger management issue with my ex husband (wanted to kill him lol).:eek::eek:

I haven't got one with my current husband, and we discuss things reasonably.

I think with you and your partner, it's probably six of one and half a dozen of the other, but you would probably both be happier with other people.

Lin