is this verbal abuse?

tom9980

accountingbod wrote: »

Can you all stop it now please.
To clarify, there was no argument. It wasnt said in the heat of an argument. I went on a bit but who hasnt sometimes BUT WE WERE NOT ARGUING
If we were then that is different.
If you tell your kid to stop going on as they are winding you up, do you then call them a moron or stupid for them pushing your buttons? Yes you may lose your temper but you dont shout at them endlessly and put them down do you?
WE brought the conversation to the table .it stemmed from me asking her how her day was.
Scheming gypsy, you are a wind up merchant. Please go away.

We tried again because despite our problems we both still love each other.
Was it a mistake to try again? No.
Has it confirmed our compatability issues? Most likely yes
Have we talked over what happened in the past? Yes
Have I made concessions to the things that upset or annoy her? Yes
Has she? I told her that the only issue I had was with her temper. As she refuses to accept it may be an issue then no.

I agree with you that as always people on this forum are debating a load of B.S about their life experiences and having petty squabbles with each other rather than helping you see clearly what you need to do to either fix the relationship or call it quits for good. i am just going to bold this because most of them are too thick and will carry on regardless.

This relationship is doomed without her getting counselling for her anger and you both getting relationship counselling. Start with relationship counselling and bring her anger up as a problem you have with your relationship, the counsellor will likely agree she needs counselling for that too and this may make it easier for her to accept she needs some. My biggest concern is you rejected going to counselling before your 6 month separation you really need to accept that this has to happen or its game over!

tea_lover

martinsurrey wrote: »

and if the OP now started screaming abuse at you for the next few hours who's fault would it be?

DONT NORMALISE ABUSIVE BEHAVIOUR

If I'd spent the best part of an evening winding someone up, even when they'd asked me to stop then I would expect to get a mouthful in return when they really had had enough. It's not pleasant, it's not nice and it's not particularly healthy, but I wouldn't call it abuse.

And my marriage was an abusive relationship, before I get accused of not knowing what I'm talking about.

scheming_gypsy

martinsurrey wrote: »

and I suppose if someone hits you in the heat of the moment its not physical abuse?

or again, is physical abuse somehow different to mental abuse?

you're making things up. My example was to compare examples of 'would a woman get the same treatment'. It's not my fault you can't read and understand what's going on.

martinsurrey wrote: »

you seem to think abuse of one kind is worse than another, abuse is abuse what ever form it takes.

the OP was talking, and got abused, full stop.

I think you're making yourself look stupid.

paulineb_2

Oh and just to clarify what I said what I said about him leaving and returning. Im well aware that people can leave and go back to abusers.
However, the OP has started numerous threads about wanting to end the marriage. Hes spoken about explosive arguments happening over a two year period and hes also spoken about having been separated for 6 months and Im assuming here that because of his previous comments about refusing counselling when his wife wanted to go,that he went back and neither of them have had any professional help to work through issues.

Asking if someone has had counselling or asking why they went back isnt meant to negate peoples experiences of being in a relationship and going back to an abuser, its a simple question.

Because do people honestly think that someone who has been in a pattern of having explosive verbal arguments over a two year period and had a break and the marriage has started again with a fresh start, that that fresh start is going to happen unless the people involved get some professional help?

The OP has posted in past times that his wife wanted to try counselling but he said no because as far as he was concerned his mind was made up that it was over and counselling wouldnt help.

If it is a relationship where its not healthy but theres a lot of love and you miss one another when you are apart, I think you should seek some counselling, together if possible.

Otherwise you are just going to be stuck in a pattern of negative behaviour thats going to carry on for years. More upset, more misery.

When you could be happier apart.

paulineb_2

tom9980 wrote: »

I agree with you that as always people on this forum are debating a load of B.S about their life experiences and having petty squabbles with each other rather than helping you see clearly what you need to do to either fix the relationship or call it quits for good. i am just going to bold this because most of them are too thick and will carry on regardless.

This relationship is doomed without her getting counselling for her anger and you both getting relationship counselling. Start with relationship counselling and bring her anger up as a problem you have with your relationship, the counsellor will likely agree she needs counselling for that too and this may make it easier for her to accept she needs some. My biggest concern is you rejected going to counselling before your 6 month separation you really need to accept that this has to happen or its game over!

Its now just clearly turned into a thread where people think its ok to call one another names.

Such as thick.

paulineb_2

tom9980 wrote: »

I agree with you that as always people on this forum are debating a load of B.S about their life experiences and having petty squabbles with each other rather than helping you see clearly what you need to do to either fix the relationship or call it quits for good. i am just going to bold this because most of them are too thick and will carry on regardless.

This relationship is doomed without her getting counselling for her anger and you both getting relationship counselling. Start with relationship counselling and bring her anger up as a problem you have with your relationship, the counsellor will likely agree she needs counselling for that too and this may make it easier for her to accept she needs some. My biggest concern is you rejected going to counselling before your 6 month separation you really need to accept that this has to happen or its game over!

That was my point, they tried again without getting counselling.

Tropez

tom9980 wrote: »

i am just going to bold this because most of them are too thick and will carry on regardless.

Given the topic of the OP, this line seems a poor choice of words.

hazyjo

Maybe we should start a poll on who out of us lot on here should be arrested for 'verbal abuse'. Have you honestly never called your partner a 'name' or two? I'd be first in handcuffs... People often don't deserve to be called any names, but in the heat of the moment sometimes words come out because we can't find the vocabulary when angry. I swear a lot when I'm angry, but rarely do normally.

Thing is, we're hearing one side of a conversation. Yours. And yet still most of us think you pushed something that wound her up. I doubt very much that she would react like that following ONE petty issue that wound her up. The chances are it incorporates 100 other arguments - IMO there's probably underlying resentment about something completely different. Was she saying about other things when she was calling you those names? Quite possibly the one thing that was REALLY the issue got brought up too (as is often the case).

I don't freak over one silly little thing. I am the most level headed placid person going. But if someone kept doing something that they knew wound me up, or if I'd asked them to stop, yes I would eventually flip. Or if there were unresolved issues, yes it would niggle away at me so that I'd probably react to something totally unsubstantial. That actual problem (whatever that might be) needs sorting before either of you can think about a relationship together.

Jx

tom9980

Tropez wrote: »

Given the topic of the OP, this line seems a poor choice of words.

In hindsight it absolutely was. Lets just say i am not overly happy that people debate the minute details of others lives and obsess over it all like it is a mini soap opera, especially when the OP was clearly upset in their last post.

There really is little point in debating it its counselling, leave or muddle on as you are OP. Nobody can really give you anymore than this answer now.

Gloomendoom

martinsurrey wrote: »

and I suppose if someone hits you in the heat of the moment its not physical abuse?

or again, is physical abuse somehow different to mental abuse?

Hmmmm.

I have been called stupid, and worse, more times than I'd like to admit. I have also been physically assaulted, less often, but more than once.

Speaking from first hand experience, given the choice between being called a moron and a punch in the face, I know which one I would choose.

Maybe I just have a thick skin.