is this verbal abuse?

paulineb_2

Again, the OP has posted several threads on here over the last year or so saying the marriage isnt working and that was well before they split up.

Also, when someone talks about explosive arguments, that sounds a bit different to someone shouting and the other party listening. Regardless of who is in the right or wrong or who has the anger management issue, sometimes you'll get to a stage where you are just angry and you react because you actually do not know how to communicate without all the shouting.

None of us have any idea what the dynamics are in this relationship. But its clearly not happy, thats the bottom line.

And yes people can and do go back to an abuser, but many many people actually see the light, get help, get away and stay away and make a new life for themselves.

My point about going back was, did anything change in the time they were apart, the OP talks about a fresh start and letting go of the past, but Im assuming from that, its all just been forgotten or theyve tried to, two weeks later and its all started again. Theres clearly something very wrong and they are both stuck in a certain pattern of behaviour, anger, resentment I imagine. When you are arguing about a duvet cover, its not really the duvet cover thats the bigger issue.

I really hope that this thread is a light bulb moment for the OP, because I dont think anything will change unless both of them make serious efforts to actually sit down and discuss whats gone wrong, with some counselling or mediation and mediation can happen even when the parties have agreed to part for good.

scheming_gypsy

accountingbod wrote: »

Anyway.. cheers everyone.
Too many assumptions here that would take a long time to go through.
Let me just say again that I can take name calling etc but she knows that I was bullied quite extensively when I was younger both mentally and physically hence my sensitivities. One of my friends who waz also bullied killed himself over it so I am a little more sensitive to name calling granted.

To be honest, i think if you'd mentioned that earlier in the thread some of the answers may have been different.
I still don't think it's abuse she may be using something that she knows will get to you. Possibly to hurt you but possibly just shouting SHUT UP SHUP UP SHUT UP!! so you leave her alone to calm down.
If she knows there's a reason why you won't like it then she's clearly being insensitive if she's doing it on purpose.

Vicky123

bitemebankers wrote: »

I'm not telling you anything about your experience of domestic abuse. I'm merely suggesting that you afford the OP the same courtesy, because everyone's experiences are different. The details of a situation can be different to what you've personally experienced and still be abusive.

I find it rather sad that, because the OP's experiences don't tally with your own, you're seeking to diminish his experience. That's not very nice, albeit not completely unexpected.

So what are your experiences that qualifies you to think it is abuse?
If someone asks for opinions that's what they get, or there would be no replies, what exactly do we all need to respond? A degree?
No one suggested name calling was OK, but the OP admitted he pushed to carry on a debate already heading in the wrong direction, who would think he did the right thing? His partner who he says has anger issues sought to end the debate, she had already cooked a nice meal to make up for some other wrong doing, how is OP abused here?
Actually reading that back

Bazey

In my experience, splitting up for a period and then giving it another try rarely works. Damage is already done. Too much resentment, not enough make up sex.

Your missus sounds like a wrong un. Trade her in for a bang tidier younger version, one that's submissive, not got lots of opinions and stuff. You'll have a hoot!.

Good luck.

paulineb_2

I find it rather sad that people get told they clearly dont have any experience of abuse because of the way they have responded to something thats been said and then when its clear that they do, obviously you are seeking to diminish their experiences because it doesnt tally with your own?

How does anyone know what someone has been through when they post? I dont know what the OP has been through. I probably dont even know a percentage of it.

But none of us knows the full picture of what is really wrong with the marriage.

And I'll also say something, Id never be as condescending as to tell a man that they were "mansplaining" something to me.

Ive shared a tiny percentage of what happened to my family on here and Ive also been through some stuff that I wont ever share. Ive never said its a competition, that is not how I feel.

I merely asked, after a 6 month separation, why he went back to a marriage (a marriage he has posted about wanting to leave on several occasions) and it also looks like neither of them had any professional help, its all just been swept under the carpet.

I am fully aware that many people who are abused take many attempts before they can leave someone.

Actually, Im not. Because I dont know anything about domestic abuse or violence, because another poster on here said so.

Silly me. I would never make a judgement on whether someone has or hasnt been a survivor of abuse, just because they make a comment on a forum that someone else doesnt agree with.

Why would I want anything to "tally" with my own experience. Im sorry my mum had to ever suffer what she suffered in the first place. Id far far rather she had never met my stepdad and didnt have to endure the 2 years of hell that she did.

bitemebankers

Vicky123 wrote: »

So what are your experiences that qualifies you to think it is abuse?

Excuse me, dear, I'm not the one comparing my personal experiences to the OP, much less trying to diminish his experiences on the basis of them.

I read the original posting and was concerned by it because the OP themselves feels they might be being abused. Given that neither I, nor anyone else, knows any more detail of the situation, I'm as qualified as anyone else to comment.

No one suggested name calling was OK, but the OP admitted he pushed to carry on a debate already heading in the wrong direction, who would think he did the right thing?

In my very first post on this thread, which you've probably not even read, I questioned whether the OP was doing things which perhaps not in his own best interest.

Based solely on his postings, it sounds to me like the OP's wife is a nasty piece of work and he'd be best off running a mile. But I also realise that people who are in the middle of an abusive relationship don't always have clarity of thought because, err, they're being abused...!

bitemebankers

paulineb wrote: »

I find it rather sad that people get told they clearly dont have any experience of abuse because of the way they have responded to something thats been said and then when its clear that they do, obviously you are seeking to diminish their experiences because it doesnt tally with your own?

Silly me.

Yes, silly you, for wilfully misrepresenting what I said.

What I've actually been saying is that you don't have experience of the OP's situation. Only HE has that experience. Nobody else. You don't know what it's like to be him and to live his life, so why pretend that you do?

sacha28

bitemebankers wrote: »

Excuse me, dear, I'm not the one comparing my personal experiences to the OP, much less trying to diminish his experiences on the basis of them.

I read the original posting and was concerned by it because the OP themselves feels they might be being abused. Given that neither I, nor anyone else, knows any more detail of the situation, I'm as qualified as anyone else to comment.

In my very first post on this thread, which you've probably not even read, I questioned whether the OP was doing things which perhaps not in his own best interest.

Based solely on his postings, it sounds to me like the OP's wife is a nasty piece of work and he'd be best off running a mile. But I also realise that people who are in the middle of an abusive relationship don't always have clarity of thought because, err, they're being abused...!

Could you possibly be any more condescending?! Why are you being so rude to people?

The whole point of a forum is that questions are asked and people answer based on their personal experiences, personal opinions, professional opinion etc. I don't think any of what pauline has said is in anyway offensive, you just happen to disagree with it.

stir_crazy

bitemebankers wrote: »

Excuse me, dear, I'm not the one comparing my personal experiences to the OP, much less trying to diminish his experiences on the basis of them.

I read the original posting and was concerned by it because the OP themselves feels they might be being abused. Given that neither I, nor anyone else, knows any more detail of the situation, I'm as qualified as anyone else to comment.

In my very first post on this thread, which you've probably not even read, I questioned whether the OP was doing things which perhaps not in his own best interest.

Based solely on his postings, it sounds to me like the OP's wife is a nasty piece of work and he'd be best off running a mile. But I also realise that people who are in the middle of an abusive relationship don't always have clarity of thought because, err, they're being abused...!

Based on the OP's past threads, before he moved out he could give as good as he got. He said they had explosive arguments regularly, not that she used to scream at him.

aileth

Doesn't seem very fair to be judging someone as a 'nasty piece of work' off a one-sided biased view from half of the partnership.