is this verbal abuse?

accountingbod

Anyway.. cheers everyone.
Too many assumptions here that would take a long time to go through.
Let me just say again that I can take name calling etc but she knows that I was bullied quite extensively when I was younger both mentally and physically hence my sensitivities. One of my friends who waz also bullied killed himself over it so I am a little more sensitive to name calling granted.
But I know that she likes the bed made each morning and it upsets her if its not. So I do it to show that I am aware of the things that are important to her. Yeah I dont always remember to do it and no one is perfect.
Maybe im just a bit too idealistic and place my expectations a bit too high

Again, I know the difference between an argument or banter and someone who just shows no self control or patience for others. I have had fights where we call each other names and thats fine.
I guess for me the abuse stemmed from never knowing when she might explode as it tends to put you on eggshells.
Granted I wound her up but she does herself no favours by snapping at me even when I dont wind her up and just because she doesnt know how to count to ten

accountingbod

Thank tom, you are right.

How do you close a thread?

paulineb_2

accountingbod wrote: »

Anyway.. cheers everyone.
Too many assumptions here that would take a long time to go through.
Let me just say again that I can take name calling etc but she knows that I was bullied quite extensively when I was younger both mentally and physically hence my sensitivities. One of my friends who waz also bullied killed himself over it so I am a little more sensitive to name calling granted.
But I know that she likes the bed made each morning and it upsets her if its not. So I do it to show that I am aware of the things that are important to her. Yeah I dont always remember to do it and no one is perfect.
Maybe im just a bit too idealistic and place my expectations a bit too high

Again, I know the difference between an argument or banter and someone who just shows no self control or patience for others. I have had fights where we call each other names and thats fine.
I guess for me the abuse stemmed from never knowing when she might explode as it tends to put you on eggshells.
Granted I wound her up but she does herself no favours by snapping at me even when I dont wind her up and just because she doesnt know how to count to ten

It really is up to you how you move forward from this. Ive not read all of your previous threads as you deleted some, but other posters have spoken about your wifes comments to you over a long period of time.

I do think, expecting her to change or your marriage to change without professional help is a big ask and only you can decide whether you stay in this marriage as it is, leave, or get counselling and then decide whether to stay or leave.

heartbreak_star

Accountingbod - you send a private message to a moderator and they will close it

HBS x

paulineb_2

accountingbod wrote: »

Thank tom, you are right.

How do you close a thread?

You ask the mods to lock it.

Goldiegirl

You know, after a hard day's work, if somebody engaged me in an hour long philosophical debate, and when I'd indicated that I'd had enough and the person STILL carried on..... I'd have a few choice words to say to that person as well.

It's clearly not acceptable to rant for 15 minutes, but it's not acceptable to goad someone into it either. And I can't believe for a minute that you weren't aware that you were pushing the buttons that would provoke her.

It's a case of six of one and half a dozen of the other - you are both responsible for this.

If you want to stay together she needs to learn self control, but you need to learn how to back off when asked.

jacques_chirac

accountingbod wrote: »

I guess for me the abuse stemmed from never knowing when she might explode as it tends to put you on eggshells.
Granted I wound her up but she does herself no favours by snapping at me even when I dont wind her up and just because she doesnt know how to count to ten

She clearly asked you to stop it - that to me would be a clear indicator that she may be ready to 'explode'. Why did you choose to ignore this?

Goldiegirl

Just another point to the OP - if you post on an Internet forum, you'll get all sorts of responses, and some may not be what you want to hear.

If you find that difficult to cope with, it'd be better not to post about these sort of personal matters

hazyjo

And my sister likes things washed up straight away and not left in the kitchen like her OH does so that she ends up doing it. And the last one out the bed makes it. That's not unreasonable, surely? Maybe she feels like your mother for having to keep remind you. It's probably these niggly things that have just built up.

When she snaps at you, react calmly. I got so in the habit of snapping at my BF that when he did start being 'normal', it took me a while to realise I could calm down a bit. (Drugs issues - nearly tore our relationship in half.) I got so used to being on edge, it became 'normal'.

Maybe you should both take a step back, try living apart, and spending time together as 'boyfriend and girlfriend' again and dating, going for dinner, trying to converse as friends, not as man and wife. You can then look laterally at the problems. It's VERY hard to live with someone who winds you up. You end up hating them. They could screw a lid on wrong and it'd probably be enough to make you flip! It's understanding that that is NOT the problem. She needs help with that. Not sure counselling would be the answer, but time apart and some open honest discussions while you're not under the same roof might be.

Jx

slightlyconfused1

To be honest your original argument and the circumstances leading up to it is one I deal with on a monthly basis. But in my case it is between two nine year olds, neither of whom are mature enough to read each other's emotions, or at times, to control their own.

The advice I give my boys - sticks and stones..... but when someone says stop, you stop. They then get sent to their rooms until they are in a better mood.

OP you should both grow up or give up. People lose their temper, some have a quicker temper than others. If your wife has a bad temper and you cannot cope with that then you honestly don't appear to have a bright future.

Every relationship has its own boundaries, things you will and will not accept. If you can't agree on those, then there where do you go?