is this verbal abuse?

accountingbod

Hi all

Some of you may recognise my name and previous threads about my marriage.
Well, we seperated for six months and recently decided to give things another go - i felt like i could let the past go and so could she.

It has been two weeks and everything had been going fine until yesterday.

To begin with, in the morning, my wife started a conversation with me but when i responded she got really angry at me for no reason (although her reason was that the cupboard was annoying her).
We concluded that being around each other in the morning when in a rush was what caused it and later that evening she cooked me dinner by way of apology which was nice.

During and after dinner however we got in to a bit of a debate/discussion about the health service which went on for about an hour. I was quite into the debate and eventually she indicated that had had enough of talking about by saying she wasnt going to answer a question i had put forward.

I did then ask her to answer to wrap the conversation up which she did and i then got a bit carried away again, starting up the debate.

She then totally lost it at me. She started shouting at me telling me that i was pushing the conversation too far.
I left the room when she started shouting and went upstairs where she then followed me up and carried on shouting at me as well as calling me a dimwit, a moron and stupid.
Eventually i ran downstairs and left the house as i couldnt take anymore.
She probably shouted at me for about 15 minutes in all.

I should add that the debate was non-accusational. The only questions i was asking where philosophical, they were not personal or judgemental.

I was gone for two hours and generally she was texting me and telling me when i got back that i pushed her too far and that was why she lost it at me.

I told her that i thought she had an anger issue and calling me names and shouting at me was verbal abuse and she flat out denied it and kept saying if i hadnt pushed her she wouldnt have had to shout at me and call me names.

She also said that is someone out there who would take her just the way she is which may be true but i said good luck to finding someone who would tolerate un-provoked outbursts.

I tried to remind her that all of us are tried and tested by people at times but lashing out and shouting at someone is not the right response.

I feel like rubbish today and kinda get the feeling that she is not going to change and that she doesnt feel like she did anything wrong.

This has happened in the past before we seperated but with a fresh start i have left this behind and am only focusing on the now.

I told her that her addressing her anger management was a deal breaker for our relationship as i cant tread on eggshells and i refuse to be spoken to like that in my own home.

So much for trying again it seems. I just wanted to be sure that im not going mad and my response to how she acts is justified.

Thanks for reading. i know it's a bit long but im determined not to fall in to the same trap again. It's actually quite hard for me as a man to admit that what might be going on is verbal abuse.

whitewing

I remember you!

I have disagreements with my husband sometimes, but your relationship seems to be very hard work. Maybe time you called it a day.

Raksha

Treading on eggshells is a phrase that's often used about me, but I do not resort to name calling like that.
I have a personality disorder called Borderline personality disorder, or emotional unstable personality...

dancingfairy

It's hard to tell from only 2 incidents and one side of the story, however whether it's verbal abuse it doesn't sound very healthy at all, especially as you've only been back together for 2 weeks.
Heated debates/controversial topics of conversation may not be the best things to go for when trying to patch things up, expecially if it is something one or both of you are passionate about.
Have you both considered counselling? Although if you feel there is a problem there is nothing you can do if she won't admit it and get help for herself.
Are you trying too much too soon? I mean have you had much contact over the last 6 months or have you just moved back in and are hoping to get things back on track?
I hope you can work things out but obviously you have to take your health into consideration and may have to seperate permanently if she is unreasonable/ or you are not a good match.
Take care.
df

LannieDuck

Not sure I've seen your previous threads.

It sounds as if she knew she was on the verge of losing her temper and tried to bring the argument to an end before she did. Unfortunately you didn't let her. Not only did you insist she answered your question, but then you started up the debate again when she clearly didn't want to. I don't think it was unreasonable of her to lose her temper at that point.

However, shouting at you for 15 mins and name calling? That's unreasonable, and it certainly sounds as if she has an anger problem.

I think you owe her an apology for pushing the argument, and she owes you an apology for the shouting and name calling. She also needs to seek help with anger management.

Cottage_Economy

You had been going on for an hour and then still kept on going when she said she wanted to stop? You were on at her constantly about a topic and not letting it go until she's forced to scream at you to stop.

I think the word stupid is actually quite appropriate. When she said stop you should have stopped and not kept going on. What do think anger management involves? Leaving a situation when you feel overwhelmed is one strategy, which she tried to do and you stopped her. That triggered off an episode. Her brain said "you've tried this new anger management strategy, it hasn't worked. Go back to the way you were doing things and he will leave you alone". So she reverted to type. I don't condone it for a second, but I do understand it.

She had reached her limit with the conversation. Perhaps she felt out of her depth or was feeling like she was being treated like an idiot by you. I know in the past I've left conversations with people who 'love' to debate because I just can't stand the sound of their voice any more and they end up desperate to win their point of view at the expense of the other people around them. I've yet to meet a good debater who doesn't raise their voice to ram their point home or can leave everyone else feeling good about themselves at the end of the debate. They pick, pick, pick away at things and don't let you have your own opinion unless you've justified it 10 times in different ways that will stand up to their 'scrutiny'.

Next time someone asks you to stop, STOP.

If you want a more robust and healthy debate about topic, go join a debating society. A lot of people with anger issues cannot express themselves adequately through conversation which can trigger their anger. Why on earth would you start a robust debate with someone who cannot express themselves properly and will get wound up??

I think you need to start considering the part you are playing in this whole thing, instead of being in utter denial about it.

tea_lover

Why did you keep pushing when she'd made it clear she wanted the conversation to end?

LannieDuck

I've read your other threads now. It seems as if your relationship has been 'over' three times this year already. It doesn't sound like the happiest relationship to be in. You both need to consider if you're right for each other.

paulineb_2

An hour long debate about the health service over dinner, Id have been asking you to stop as well.

bitemebankers

accountingbod - Do you actually want to be in this relationship? Or are you sticking with it because it's more comfortable than the alternative? Based on what you've said here, it sounds like you're (consciously or unconsciously) inciting the very kind of abusive behaviour in your partner that's driven you apart before. If this sounds like it's the case, I'd strongly recommend you consider some personal counselling to discuss the relationship from your own perspective. Nobody should have to tolerate being in an abusive relationship but it sounds like you can't make your mind up whether you want to be in it or not.

hazyjo

Just sounds like there are deeper problems. Yes, you wound her up and she snapped - but it's probably something else about you that has pushed her to that point (sorry!). Incompatability, more than likely.

I remember going ballistic at a live-in partner once who had got to the point of winding me up just by breathing! One stupid argument started with me cooking chicken to add a curry sauce or something. I walked through to the other room, pan in hand, and said 'do you want it diced or in strips?' and he asked what I meant. Honestly, it just tipped me over the edge! He was always asking me to spell everything out, corrected me on everything (once asked him to push the window in instead of the mirror on my car - he knew what I meant, he did it every time we went out in the car - but he had to look at me with this puzzled look on his face and ask what I meant).

Sometimes things have just gone too far. Sounds like this is one of those times.

Sorry... hope you find someone more suited

Jx