is this verbal abuse?

paulineb_2

Tbh, I think the bigger issue seems to be, you both separated, it looks like nothing has been resolved and neither of you are happy. From one of your previous threads all your wife and you do is argue

Why did you give it another go and what support have you both had in the time apart to try and work on the issues that caused your relationship to break down

And no, I dont think anyone deserves to be called stupid or a moron, but it was clear that your wife wanted the conversation to stop and you kept going.

Did either of you have counselling during your time apart. You spoke in previous threads about explosive arguments happening every weekend.

scheming_gypsy

bitemebankers wrote: »

Would you say the same thing to a female victim of abuse?

No, didn't think so.

The same goes to everyone else on this thread who is seeking to justify abusive behaviour.

Yes. If the cause of the 'abuse' is something that they've caused then of course.

Okydoky25

bitemebankers wrote: »

Would you say the same thing to a female victim of abuse?

No, didn't think so.

The same goes to everyone else on this thread who is seeking to justify abusive behaviour.

I think abusive verbal behavior is dependant on the individual tho. If my husband called me a Moron I would take it with a pinch of salt weather it was said in an argument or a standard conversation. I'm not going to make an issue out of it as I don't find it an issue. If I was to react at all it would be to name call back.

Working in construction industry for 12 years I think I've prob got a thicker skin than most women and can give as good as I get without taking offence.

Back to the OP if I called my husband a moron in the heat of an argument (instigated by him) and he walked out for 2 hours I'd be telling him not to bother coming back.

jacques_chirac

tea_lover wrote: »

I can't think of anything worse than being forced to talk about work all evening, particularly when I've made it very clear I don't want to.

Absolutely - especially if they are having a difficult time at work, the last thing they want is someone pushing (goading?) them on the subject.

bitemebankers wrote: »

Would you say the same thing to a female victim of abuse?

No, didn't think so.

The same goes to everyone else on this thread who is seeking to justify abusive behaviour.

The opinions/ advice on this thread come across to me as pretty gender neutral. If a woman winds up a man and gets a mouthful back, they need to assess their role in the situation in the same was as if the genders were reversed.

sacha28

Both my OH and I work in healthcare and he too started a 'philosophical debate' a few nights ago. My job interests me, I'm very passionate about it, but he was being a right t0sspot about it and ending up getting the short shrift. He recognised that he should have stopped about an hour previously when I said 'I really don't want to talk about this anymore' and felt he deserved to be called a w@nker because he wouldn't drop it. I wouldn't say it was 'abuse' per se, I would say it was a discussion that got out of hand.

Abuse is a word that is thrown around all too easily nowadays, I can't have an argument with my OH without someone saying that we should report each other for abuse. People have always argued without the need for it to be labelled.

Man up.

Vicky123

bitemebankers wrote: »

Would you say the same thing to a female victim of abuse?

No, didn't think so.

The same goes to everyone else on this thread who is seeking to justify abusive behaviour.

Yet, the usual behaviour in abusive relationships is the victim goes to ridiculous lengths to appease the abuser, walk on egg shells, jump through impossible hoops, absolutely anything at all to keep the bully happy and stop the abuse, few abuse victims would bear bait.
It would be the norm in an abusive relationship for the victim to agree with anything the abuser says, even apologize when they weren't in the wrong.
Another hallmark of abusers is to drain their victim dry by going on and on about something in order to win.

Cottage_Economy

accountingbod wrote: »

Yeah well it does interest her. If it didnt we wouldnt have talked for an hour about it.
Is everyone telling me then that when they are pushed too far by a conversation that it is okay to go mental at your partner and call them names and make them feel like crap?
If so, then ill retire from this and give up.

First you didn't say you talked. You called it a debate, which is something different from talking. Second she had an hour of conversation and was done with it. You pushed it. You went too far. You should have quit when you were ahead. She's had a set back now, which is very common when you are trying to work on any personal problem and should be expected (but not condoned or accepted). You need to understand the role you play in pushing her anger buttons. You both need counselling for your marital issues, and she needs additional counselling and help with her anger issues.

Both apologise to one another and move on from it, but for heaven's sake use what you've just learnt about both her and your behaviour and don't push that button.

You can't keep going back and playing out the same situation under the same conditions while blaming her behaviour when it goes wrong. You are behaving like a victim.

Yes calling you stupid and a moron was wrong of her. You're not. It was actually your behaviour that was stupid and moronic, and THAT you can change IF you really want to. I have no doubt you are an intelligent man and could do so if you wanted to.

Have you read about or done any research on living with someone with anger issues? Your approach will have to change if you are going to continue to do so.

bitemebankers

I feel like rubbish today and kinda get the feeling that she is not going to change and that she doesnt feel like she did anything wrong.

This has happened in the past before we seperated but with a fresh start i have left this behind and am only focusing on the now.

I told her that her addressing her anger management was a deal breaker for our relationship as i cant tread on eggshells and i refuse to be spoken to like that in my own home.

Sounds like a pattern of abuse to me.

But hey, feel free to carry on pretending that only women can be victims of domestic abuse and ignore the 1/3 of all victims who are male.

prowla

I got to a point with my ex-wife where I decided that it was a bad idea discussing any topic with her because it would only turn into an argument.

bitemebankers

Vicky123 wrote: »

Yet, the usual behaviour in abusive relationships is the victim goes to ridiculous lengths to appease the abuser, walk on egg shells, jump through impossible hoops, absolutely anything at all to keep the bully happy and stop the abuse, few abuse victims would bear bait.

That's the stereotypical idea most people have of domestic abuse, yes. The reality is usually a good deal more complex, as you'd know if you'd had any real contact.