Rant!!!

SingleSue

Mojisola wrote: »

Is he using work as an excuse so that he doesn't have to spend time at home?

Why on earth would he come home too late to spend time with his children because he was writing a sermon you had offered to do on your own? Why didn't he come home, have some family time with you all and then sit down with you and work on the church service?

Like you, I wouldn't be happy.

This is exactly what my ex husband did. There was me thinking he was snowed under and I was angry with his boss for all the pressure he was under...until I found out he was going to the office to watch the telly in peace and quiet!

In the meantime, I was doing everything, all the housework, school meetings, therapies for the boys, sorting out all the bills etc plus working on top without complaint thinking I was being the nice supportive wife for her under pressure, over worked husband.

Mojisola

New_and_Improved_Me wrote: »

Point taken....maybe he is an OCD work-o-holic..:(

It sounds as if there's plenty of work in the family home that he could do.

DKLS

There is usally one of three reasons why a man doesnt want to come home.

1. He is a genuine workaholic
2. He has some side action
3. He would rather be at work than home

I know in a past relationship, I loved work and my dogs as it allowed me to be at home for the least amount of time possible.

paulineb_2

It is the kind of line of work where you can get very caught up in it, I worked in homeless units for a long time, shift work, always something going on and we were often asked to work overtime for time off in lieu.
I no longer do that job and the main reason is due to my health. I suffered from work related stress for a long time, I was pretty ill at one point and what happened to me was, I literally got to the stage where I could not set a foot over the door of the workplace. I was far from the only one, people ended up burnt out.

It really is not a good sign that your husband spends so much time at work on his days off. As a manager I wouldnt allow staff to do that. Its not good for him, I dont think its professional either, a decent management team would not want their staff being overworked.
And dare I say it, its not good for the rest of the staff team either. I wouldnt want to be on shift with someone who wasnt supposed to be there. He may think its healthy and productive but I think its absolutely the opposite and given that hes already there so much, I think if the OP doesnt act now or management dont act now and get him to go home on his days off and stay there, he will end up having some kind of a breakdown.

And the thing is about stress, you can function on it for a long time but one day it will catch up with you and there might be a very minor thing that could happen and that will be the last straw.

Gavin83

I disagree with the majority to be honest. Were I to be in a relationship like this with a partner who wasn't willing to adjust then I'd be seriously reconsidering our relationship. Then again I consider friends and family as more important than work.

If he wanted to be at home he would be. They'll be a reason he'd rather be at work and it'll be one of the 3 in the post above. I known people who have used extra work as an excuse to cover an affair, people who didn't really like their home environment and those who genuinely loved to be at work. I guess only you can decide which it is.

New_and_Improved_Me

Mojisola wrote: »

Originally Posted by New and Improved Me
However, having said that...I'm very lucky to actually have a job i do actually enjoy and love (ok...Maybe a little more than i should maybe...lol.....:)..) and am willing to sacrifice a certain amount of family time now to reap the rewards now and for the future.

I know a few men who thought like that who now don't have a family to worry about and a few others whose still have a partner but whose children don't bother with them because they were never there for them

I kind of understand where you’re coming from with that comment...

However, if you have a good relationship……then short periods of a husband not being home mon-fri or even for a few weeks/months at a time…….. Because he’s working away……should NOT be an ISSUE at all …….on the marriage or the kids……

It depends on how strong your relationship is to start with……...if there is already tension in the household because of underlying issues ….financial/marital…whatever……

And suddenly the husband has to work away or long hours and the wife feels he is not pulling his weight at home….then there will be fireworks…and stress…as demonstrated by OP….

I’m going to frank here…..I apologies in advance to all the sensitive type females on here….
Some women today demand TOO much from their partners these days……a MAN’S role primarily has been to be the bread winner and the WOMAN’S role to be the housekeeper……
In this day and age women in the western countries expect their men to be both…..someone who provides for the family and looks after the house…..
Go back 70/80 years…..and you will see none of this …… women did their job and the men did there’s…..
Now….. I’m not saying we should go back to the ways things use to be…….where the men went out to work……came home ……and expected the dinner on the table and not to have to lift finger around the house….
But if a man’s got to work long hours to provide for the family then the wife SHOULD pick up the slack and not moan and whine about it……

daisiegg

paulineb wrote: »

Really not a good sign when someone ends up doing tons of unpaid overtime, have worked in similar jobs in managerial positions and ended up doing the same.

If hes not a manager its not his concern whether ofsted could inspect at any time, all he has to do is his work on shift to the best of his abilities and yes sometimes in that line of work there will be emergencies that mean you cant clock off at a certain time, but hours and hours of unpaid overtime is a really bad sign and his managers should not be encouraging this.
.

Sorry, but this is absolutely not true in teaching. You are not paid by the hour ; you are paid a yearly salary and you are paid to get the job done, however long that takes. Part of your contract may involve being on the school site for x number of hours a day, but your job is to get the work done, not to work 9-5 and then b*gger off. It is not unpaid overtime; it is him doing his job. I don't know a single teacher who doesn't work evenings, weekends, and lots over half terms.

Ofsted coming could well affect the OP's husband, in very real terms, as teachers' pay is now performance related. If his performance management objective is, like mine, for all of his exam students to get their target grades, and if he doesn't pass it he risks taking a pay cut, there is a very good reason for him to be fretting.

However, what I don't understand, is why he can't do a lot of this work at home. That is what I would be annoyed about. I have a colleague who sounds similar. He has a baby at home and he often is at work in the evenings until 8pm marking and planning. I always feel so sorry for his wife and I don't understand why he doesn't go home at say 5, spend an hour with wife and baby, help with bedtime etc, then sit and do his marking at home in the evening where at least his wife can see him and exchange a few words with him.

This is what I'd be saying if I was the OP. Make it clear that yes, you understand that he is stressed and has loads to do (though teachers do love to moan about how much work they have - yes, including me! - I think it comes from wanting to make sure people don't think 'you go home at 3pm and get 12 weeks off a year'). However, ask why he can't do some of his paperwork, marking and planning at home. Yes,work is important, but so is family, and really he should be able to work around family commitments.

paulineb_2

daisiegg wrote: »

Sorry, but this is absolutely not true in teaching. You are not paid by the hour ; you are paid a yearly salary and you are paid to get the job done, however long that takes. Part of your contract may involve being on the school site for x number of hours a day, but your job is to get the work done, not to work 9-5 and then b*gger off. It is not unpaid overtime; it is him doing his job. I don't know a single teacher who doesn't work evenings, weekends, and lots over half terms.

Ofsted coming could well affect the OP's husband, in very real terms, as teachers' pay is now performance related. If his performance management objective is, like mine, for all of his exam students to get their target grades, and if he doesn't pass it he risks taking a pay cut, there is a very good reason for him to be fretting.

However, what I don't understand, is why he can't do a lot of this work at home. That is what I would be annoyed about. I have a colleague who sounds similar. He has a baby at home and he often is at work in the evenings until 8pm marking and planning. I always feel so sorry for his wife and I don't understand why he doesn't go home at say 5, spend an hour with wife and baby, help with bedtime etc, then sit and do his marking at home in the evening where at least his wife can see him and exchange a few words with him.

This is what I'd be saying if I was the OP. Make it clear that yes, you understand that he is stressed and has loads to do (though teachers do love to moan about how much work they have - yes, including me! - I think it comes from wanting to make sure people don't think 'you go home at 3pm and get 12 weeks off a year'). However, ask why he can't do some of his paperwork, marking and planning at home. Yes,work is important, but so is family, and really he should be able to work around family commitments.

My mum is a teacher so I am aware of how she is paid and Im also aware of how much work she does over and above her teaching day. But in the first post, she said her husband works in a residential school and does paid sleepovers. Ive known people who work in residential schools who work as support workers and not teachers.

So I may be wrong, he could be a teacher, but my impression was from the first post that he wasnt and he was a support worker.

Mojisola

New_and_Improved_Me wrote: »

However, if you have a good relationship……then short periods of a husband not being home mon-fri or even for a few weeks/months at a time…….. Because he’s working away……should NOT be an ISSUE at all …….on the marriage or the kids……

It depends on how strong your relationship is to start with……...if there is already tension in the household because of underlying issues ….financial/marital…whatever……

My OH had to work away Monday to Friday for several years while the children were small and he's often still away several nights a week now. It's worked for us because we all knew that the time away was necessary but he was home whenever he could and, when he was home, he was an active part of the family.

An OH doing quite so much unpaid overtime and not keeping promises made to the children about coming home suggests there is more to this than Dad trying to be a good provider.

paulineb_2

And my mum does go in early in the morning, shes often in school at 8am, but any extra work she does, she tends to do it at home and not at school. She has a school laptop and can access most of the things she could at school at home, including stuff like writing report cards, lots of her colleagues do marking and preparation work at home and not at school.