Rant!!!

Brighton_belle

pmlindyloo wrote: »

Think of the positive things. He has longish holidays and is there for your kids then. He is in a job and earning. You are all fit and healthy.

But that was one of the final straws - he worked the whole of half term.
And he won't remain fit and healthy if he is working 80 hr weeks. People crack up - I've lived long enough to see this happen to a number of men, despite years of their wife pleading with them to get a better work/life balance.

I think it is ok if a partner recognises their OH is massively overworking - it is actually at of caring for them. In this case, she is also looking out for her children's needs to have a father who is reliable in what he promises.

By the way, I don't think the OP's husband is 'the bad guy' I just think the OP is expressing valid frustration and he needs to re assess his life a bit as he is letting stress make his life get out of kilter.

Pollycat

paulineb wrote: »

But there are kids who are also caught up in all of this and I dont think personally that her reaction to other posters was that bad, seen worse on here.

I've read worse on here too.
But my point was that if the OP reacts to her OH as she has to the slightest criticism of how she views the situation in the rant in post #14, there's not likely to be any way forward.

She needs to take a step back, stop ranting and try to sit down with her OH and explain - in the calmest way she can - why his general work pattern is not doing the family any good and why this most recent incident has made her feel so upset.

paulineb wrote: »

Its not healthy to spend that much time in the workplace. It doesnt sound like hes a manager, he doesnt need to be there all the time, even managers need time off as well.

Theres long hours and theres being in work doing unpaid shifts on your days off, if I managed a staff member who was doing that, Id send them home, its not healthy for him, his family and dare I say it the people he works with, both staff and clients.

I don't disagree with the above.

But the OP is not going about resolving the situation in the right way.

paulineb wrote: »

And as I said before, if he continues to do this, he could end up suffering from a stress related breakdown if hes not halfway there already.

Agreed.
And the OP ranting at him isn't going to help any stress he's under. Is it?

I have sympathy for the OP.
I just think her temper is getting the better of her and she seems incapable of seeing a reasonable way forward.

mandragora_2

Say_who? wrote: »

As for other staff being on site working over half term don't be silly. He is absolutely being taken advantage of but won't do anything about it. He just expects me to pick up the slack for a situation I can do nothing about.

It may be that he's got himself into a hole at work, entirely of his own making, but one which he will need help from a colleague or mentor to get out of. Teaching can get to some people like this - they stress and stress and stress, work and work and work, and, actually, no-one but themselves is making them do it. It may well be the case that his line-manager is concerned about his work-life balance (I would be if he was on my team), and may have broached it with him already. He will burn himself out, wreck the important things in his life such as his family and relationships, and, at the end of the day, school won't even be any better off for it, because he'll end up making himself unwell.

It's a job that's never 'done', no matter how long you spend on it, so he needs to accept that now, and start to discuss with his line manager, or someone else senior to him, how to get a better handle on his time management, prioritising of tasks, and simply knowing that his best is good enough, and there are some things he's going to have to let go. He's not the only teacher on the planet to have fallen into this trap, and he won't be the first one in the graveyard with it, either, unless he does something to change it now.

He needs to know how upset and worried you are - I appreciate you're cross, but you need to have a think about the best time, place and way to broach this with him. Take it from one who's been there and done the mad hours obsessively - and you can tell him from me that at the end of the day, that I had to learn that school will still run just fine without him doing the 60-hour weeks. I only learned my lesson when I asked for something (perfectly reasonable) and my request was turned down and passed on to someone else instead. In my fury, I stopped doing all the mad hours and additional commitments and instead did the job I was paid to. That was three years ago. Since then no-one's said a word to me about it, I've had a lot more time to spend with my family and friends and my life is a whole lot happier. I look back now on what I was doing and have realised that I was a mug to myself. I don't regret addressing it one little bit.

New_and_Improved_Me

Is that you honey….lol….

Damn...you sound like my wife....lol

"You never spend any time with me...you love your job more than me...blah di blah blah...."

My response to this is.....

"Chill out woman.....if I could find a job, where I can sit at home all day and get paid.....I'd be the first in line to try and get it......As it is....I HAVE to work so we can have a nice home/car/holiday together/buy the kids iPad’s and toys....etc..... and have a good standard of life…..and save a little for our retirement together......Because I would love nothing more than to spend time with you like we use to when we were young single and free of all responsibilities…"

However, having said that...I'm very lucky to actually have a job i do actually enjoy and love (ok...Maybe a little more than i should maybe...lol.....:)..) and am willing to sacrifice a certain amount of family time now to reap the rewards now and for the future.

In my opinion…..You are being un-reasonable...If he works full time and you’re a housewife....then ……..(I know im going to get slated for this) ………Looking after the kids is YOUR responsibility and supporting you and the kids his.

As for the not watching TV together…..that’s like my wife saying you didn’t come home in time to watch ‘Eastedners’ together….the trust is…if I’m at home and have nothing else to do then I will happily sit and watch it with her….but if I’m busy then I don’t….

Like me maybe he watches it because you do…..

Mojisola

New_and_Improved_Me wrote: »

However, having said that...I'm very lucky to actually have a job i do actually enjoy and love (ok...Maybe a little more than i should maybe...lol.....:)..) and am willing to sacrifice a certain amount of family time now to reap the rewards now and for the future.

I know a few men who thought like that who now don't have a family to worry about and a few others whose still have a partner but whose children don't bother with them because they were never there for them.


As for the not watching TV together…..that’s like my wife saying you didn’t come home in time to watch ‘Eastedners’ together….the trust is…if I’m at home and have nothing else to do then I will happily sit and watch it with her….but if I’m busy then I don’t….

Like me maybe he watches it because you do…..

That's a different situation from making an promise to come home and watch a programme as a family and then breaking it.

Say_who?

Ok I was having a temper tantrum I did say it was a rant. Having just finished the weeks ironing I've calmed down a bit. I was angry that he insisted on going into work on a Saturday he agreed to come home to watch atlantis with the kids and I considered that a fair compromise.

I was angry when he didn't come home as he had agreed, since when is not doing something you said you would ok.

I flipped my lid when he told me he had worked on the sermon instead of working! If he had so much work to do that he had to go into work on the weekend why did he spend that time doing something completely unnecessary. There's no rush for the service to be done, its not for today and if he really is so snowed under I would have happily done the service alone no one would have taken issue with that.

So is he deceiving me about the work load, determined to be in control of the service or what?

He has always worked long hours and I don't greet him with a rant every night but on this occasion I really feel he has taken the p.

It's especially aggravating that he thinks he's done me a favour.

paulineb_2

New_and_Improved_Me wrote: »

Is that you honey….lol….

Damn...you sound like my wife....lol

"You never spend any time with me...you love your job more than me...blah di blah blah...."

My response to this is.....

"Chill out woman.....if I could find a job, where I can sit at home all day and get paid.....I'd be the first in line to try and get it......As it is....I HAVE to work so we can have a nice home/car/holiday together/buy the kids iPad’s and toys....etc..... and have a good standard of life…..and save a little for our retirement together......Because I would love nothing more than to spend time with you like we use to when we were young single and free of all responsibilities…"

However, having said that...I'm very lucky to actually have a job i do actually enjoy and love (ok...Maybe a little more than i should maybe...lol.....:)..) and am willing to sacrifice a certain amount of family time now to reap the rewards now and for the future.

In my opinion…..You are being un-reasonable...If he works full time and you’re a housewife....then ……..(I know im going to get slated for this) ………Looking after the kids is YOUR responsibility and supporting you and the kids his.

As for the not watching TV together…..that’s like my wife saying you didn’t come home in time to watch ‘Eastedners’ together….the trust is…if I’m at home and have nothing else to do then I will happily sit and watch it with her….but if I’m busy then I don’t….

Like me maybe he watches it because you do…..

You dont sound like youve understood the point that shes making.

Hes not reaping any rewards by staying on at work, hes doing unpaid hours that is affecting his wife and I assume his kids as well.

New_and_Improved_Me

Mojisola wrote: »

That's a different situation from making an promise to come home and watch a programme as a family and then breaking it.

Yes I agree, if he had promised to come and watch it....then its a diff. story...

The fact that he sat there working on his church stuff...is a little off....if he had promised to come back....

Could be more to it....who knows...

But having worked in a environment where there are no 'SET' hours of work....it is easy to get tied up with things and 5pm turns into 10pm...pretty quick...

New_and_Improved_Me

paulineb wrote: »

You dont sound like youve understood the point that shes making.

Hes not reaping any rewards by staying on at work, hes doing unpaid hours that is affecting his wife and I assume his kids as well.

Point taken....maybe he is an OCD work-o-holic..:(

Pollycat

Say_who? wrote: »

Ok I was having a temper tantrum I did say it was a rant. Having just finished the weeks ironing I've calmed down a bit. I was angry that he insisted on going into work on a Saturday he agreed to come home to watch atlantis with the kids and I considered that a fair compromise.

I was angry when he didn't come home as he had agreed, since when is not doing something you said you would ok.

I flipped my lid when he told me he had worked on the sermon instead of working! If he had so much work to do that he had to go into work on the weekend why did he spend that time doing something completely unnecessary. There's no rush for the service to be done, its not for today and if he really is so snowed under I would have happily done the service alone no one would have taken issue with that.

So is he deceiving me about the work load, determined to be in control of the service or what?

He has always worked long hours and I don't greet him with a rant every night but on this occasion I really feel he has taken the p.

It's especially aggravating that he thinks he's done me a favour.

It's good to hear that you've calmed down.
Mind you, doing a weeks worth of ironing doesn't have that effect on me.

I think you really need to sit down and have a good long talk with your OH.
It's clear that his working hours are creating tension and you need to get that across to him and also find out exactly why he feels he has to spend so much time at work.
As others have pointed out, if there is an OFSTED visit, it's not all on his shoulders.

He needs to get some perspective about his work/life balance.
If it's not possible for him to do his work in the time he has, ask him why.
Is it because he's such a perfectionist?
Or is it because it's just too much workload for one person?

If you don't sort it out, when it happens again (and it will) then you'll have another rant on and onto a downward spiral.

Don't brush this under the carpet 'cos I can't see it going away.