Am I being selfish :(

Babywanted

mcja wrote: »

This is the big downside of inlaws. They can be fantastic but they don't know you like your own parents do. Trying to explain things to them is always harder.

You and your OH have to do whats right for you. The decision to save for IVF is an important and not easy one. I think to need to tell the outlaws to do one. This is all about priorities. You know yours and I am sure that SIL will fully understand the situation you are in.
If you are unable to fly from medical reasons you have a perfectly good reason to not take the tickets. My OH would stand by me as well.

Good luck, you both have a hell of a journey ahead of you, and I hope it all works out for you.

Thank you so much, hubby was beginning to feel no one understood him not even considering going on his own and leaving me behind

tiger_eyes

I'm inclined to join the cynics on this thread - sounds suspiciously like the money has already been spent, so they can't give your husband his unofficial inheritance...

mcja

Babywanted wrote: »

Thank you so much, hubby was beginning to feel no one understood him not even considering going on his own and leaving me behind

The day he married you he promised to stand by you. That means putting you and him, as a team, above anyone else. Going forward that includes any children you have as well. OH has to do what he feels is right. It does sound though like he wants to use this as an excuse to have a break from his parents.

Tiddlywinks

Babywanted wrote: »

Thank you and I know there is no legal right to the money and to be fair as others have said if she honestly thinks a wedding is more important than creating a new life then she has her priorities so wrong in my opinion

Babywanted wrote: »

They have known all along that this was our plan but now his sister has made this decision they say hubby has to go to her wedding and we can just save for ivf treatment in the future

In their eyes if a child is meant to be then it will happen so they don't really believe in medical intervention

You and she have different beliefs and values... that does not make her wrong and you right - you just value different things.

The same with your SIL - marrying into a wealthy family does not make her a bad person. Nor does it mean that she should have to sub others in the family.

If you start conversations with your MIL from the point of view that she is being unreasonable then that will get you absolutely nowhere.

You need to try to understand her reality.

Are there any cultural / religious reasons why MIL might not approve of medical intervention?

Why has your SIL chosen to marry overseas? Family reasons?

Is there a chance that your refusal to accept the money in the past may have offended MIL in some way?

How old are you and your OH and how long have you been married?

Tixy

When husband is speaking to his mother I would try to separate the 2 issues.

1) We won't be attending sister's wedding. We hope she has a lovely time but as you know 'babywanted' cannot fly and I do not want to go away without her.

2) As you know we are trying really hard to save for fertility treatment. It it the thing that would make both me and babywanted the happiest and where we are concentrating all of our available funds. I still think it may be difficult to save up enough to go through the treatments or we are hoping to save enough as soon as possible as obviously the younger we are the higher the probability of it being successful. I would really appreciate it if you would reconsider about the money Grandfather said he would like to be spent on me/given to me, I think he would have wanted it to be spent on something really important to me.

What about him writing a letter to his mother regarding point 2? explaining all that it means to him to be a father and have children with you? Then she will have time to read it and think it through and then may even reconsider.

Jox

Babywanted, here is an example of the cost of ivf

http://www.benendenfertilitycentre.org.uk/prices.aspx

You'd probably need about £5500 for an ivf cycle (I'm not an expert, just from what I've read).

How much is the inheritance you're expecting? Would it cover that?

You mentioned having to lose some weight, I'm not sure what the optimal weight would be but how long would that take do you think? How much can you save in that time?

Yes, it's not fair that the money your OH was expecting is being ear-marked for something else, I would be upset too, but his mother seems to hold all the cards for some reason...

paulineb_2

Babywanted wrote: »

I can understand her point of view but for all intents and purposes a wedding is about the two people in love and not about who goes to share their day, the simple fact from our point of view is that hubby should be allowed to choose how he uses his share

I dont agree. I think its natural to want your brother at the wedding. Was your husbands sister at your wedding?

Also, you say you wanted the money for a Florida holiday initially. Did you speak to the parents when you changed your mind and wanted it for IVF?

Have you tried to see whether you could get IVF on the NHS? The question has been asked already but Im not sure its been answered.

Your husband should be allowed to choose how he uses his share, but if you were eligible for IVF treatment without having to go private then you could sit down and make the decision about whether your husband could in fact go to the wedding. My point is, it doesnt necessarily need to be one thing versus the other thing.

Who else has taken their share of this money and what did they spend it on? You'll have a far stronger argument to getting this cash if you can say to them, everyone else got spending the money in the way they would have liked.

Jobseeeker

Does anyone think its odd that a man old enough to have an adult grandson never made a will?

I'm not saying it doesn't happen, but its something to check out. Maybe hubby could have a word with the Grandmother, I'm sure she would not approve of what the parents are doing.

Tiddlywinks

Jobseeeker wrote: »

Does anyone think its odd that a man old enough to have an adult grandson never made a will?

Not really... there is still the assumption that everything will go to the living spouse (and most often it does) and many people still don't want to face their own mortality.

lostinrates

Babywanted wrote: »

Thanks for clearing that up, I am just so sad right now and probably took it the wrong way before, I guess your point is that sometimes it's ok to be selfish if it's for the right reasons ?

I think your emotions are clear, and understandable. And its for that reason I urge you not to make decisions about how you feel or how they are behaving in general with out a good period of thought.

As I was saying before, when over wrought our interpretation of things tends to be least 'charitable' and we often look for the worst in others who we feel wronged by to support our feelings.

Your husband not wanting to go without you is of course understandable, my husband would rather go to things with me too. Lots of things neither of us go to, but sometimes we feel its important he put his family on the agenda too. Not in front of 'us' but on the agenda somewhere below our unity. We are certainly strong enough to endure that every now and again, as I am sure you are.

Battling recovery from an accident must have be very draining. Emotionally as well as physically. And it takes a strong union to go through these sort of challenges.