Am I being selfish :(

CH27

The money isn't yours legally so I would tell them to bog off. Cut the emotional blackmail from your lives.
Don't go to the wedding & concentrate on getting fit enough to try IVF & saving up.

Babywanted

paulineb wrote: »

She said she had health problems which meant she cant travel long distances, so wouldnt be at the wedding (the OP).

lostinrates wrote: »

No, she said she had a health problem that precludes travel too I think...which is why she cannot go? Did I mis read that? Its very possible.

No, just checked first post...she cannot travel for health reasons. I empathise, because I am the same. I am not allowed to travel now and in the years before when I could traveling for a week for a wedding long distance would have been ...exhausting, painful and frankly...not 'worth it' for anyone involved.

The reason I can't travel is due to injuries sustained in a house fire and the cabin pressure in the aircraft would cause problems so I am not allowed to fly, there are no other health issues at all

lostinrates

Babywanted wrote: »

Thanks and I'm sorry to hear about your problems, it's truly heartbreaking when people have problems having children

I will clear one thing up though the only health problems I have are as a result of an accident so nothing that could be inherited and are being treated and getting better all the time

That's wonderful news. .

Good luck.

I'd just ignore the money, the family and just continue on your own path. Try not to get to 'involved' in their handwringing over it. And move on. Don't say anything hurtful and perhaps the two of you can write a lovely letter to the sister on law wishing her love, joy and happiness and reminding her you cannot travel and that you will both be thinking of her on the day;)

FBaby

Something does feel right about this thread. Why would loving parents say they they can save for a baby and insist that money morally due should be spent on a wedding. It sounds to me like there is a big misunderstanding going on. Your husband might think he made his intentions clear but maybe he didn't. Maybe his parents don't really understand why you need ivf etc....

I would suggest meeting up with parents, you and him and maybe even with the sister and explain why it would mean so much to have this money put towards ivf. maybe the issue is the time frame, that you don't want to do it now so they maybe suspect you intends on using for the holiday you had initially planned? Could you go ahead with just one go of ivf now with this gift?

Babywanted

Mojisola wrote: »

In that case, legally, the money is not your OH's. It belongs to his parents and they can do what they want with it.

CH27 wrote: »

The money isn't yours legally so I would tell them to bog off. Cut the emotional blackmail from your lives.
Don't go to the wedding & concentrate on getting fit enough to try IVF & saving up.

I appreciate that legally there is nothing we can do but it still hurts so much that they are being like this with hubby, I wish there had been a will but I guess he thought he didn't need one

Any decent daughter would surely carry out her fathers wishes

balletshoes

Babywanted wrote: »

No will was left but when he was still of sound mind he made his feelings very clear to all the family


We didn't want it sooner and still don't want it until we have saved a good chunk too so we can have a few tries if necessary

Hubby only sees his sister a couple of times a year even though she only lives ten miles away so he isn't too bothered about going to the wedding

just out of interest OP, what would your OH's parents have released the money to him for? A holiday to Florida, which you originally had earmarked the money for? It seems they wouldn't have been willing to hand the money over for any part of IVF treatment.

That sounds odd to me, I have to say. Adult siblings, their parents keeping their money for them and deciding on their behalf whats a worthy cause to spend it on. Really, in that case, its not your OH's money, so I'd just forget it. He's not getting that money for what he'd really like to use it for.

As to the wedding, if your parents-in-law use your OH's "inheritance" to pay for him to go (and bearing in mind it sounds like its that or it won't be spent on either of you at all), will he want to go? I wouldn't rule it out if I got on great with my sister and wanted to be there for her big day. But maybe he's not that bothered and would rather not go to her wedding without you?

Babywanted

FBaby wrote: »

Something does feel right about this thread. Why would loving parents say they they can save for a baby and insist that money morally due should be spent on a wedding. It sounds to me like there is a big misunderstanding going on. Your husband might think he made his intentions clear but maybe he didn't. Maybe his parents don't really understand why you need ivf etc....

I would suggest meeting up with parents, you and him and maybe even with the sister and explain why it would mean so much to have this money put towards ivf. maybe the issue is the time frame, that you don't want to do it now so they maybe suspect you intends on using for the holiday you had initially planned? Could you go ahead with just one go of ivf now with this gift?

They have known all along that this was our plan but now his sister has made this decision they say hubby has to go to her wedding and we can just save for ivf treatment in the future

In their eyes if a child is meant to be then it will happen so they don't really believe in medical intervention

CH27

Babywanted wrote: »

I appreciate that legally there is nothing we can do but it still hurts so much that they are being like this with hubby, I wish there had been a will but I guess he thought he didn't need one

Any decent daughter would surely carry out her fathers wishes

IMO she is enjoying the emotional control she has over you both.

paulineb_2

FBaby wrote: »

Something does feel right about this thread. Why would loving parents say they they can save for a baby and insist that money morally due should be spent on a wedding. It sounds to me like there is a big misunderstanding going on. Your husband might think he made his intentions clear but maybe he didn't. Maybe his parents don't really understand why you need ivf etc....

I would suggest meeting up with parents, you and him and maybe even with the sister and explain why it would mean so much to have this money put towards ivf. maybe the issue is the time frame, that you don't want to do it now so they maybe suspect you intends on using for the holiday you had initially planned? Could you go ahead with just one go of ivf now with this gift?

I actually agree. A sit down discussion to try and sort things out is needed before making decisions not to talk to some of the family again.

Also, I know people do die without making a will, but if I had been the family members, Id have advised the person to do that.

When my gran died, she left me money, my brother too, she left money to my mum as well but my mum decided that rather than the money being split 3 ways, shed give her share to us, her thoughts where, that my gran had done enough for her during her life and she wanted us to have the cash.

But and I say this about my mum as well, if my gran had left it all to the cat and dogs home, I would have respected and understood that. When my mum dies, shes going to leave myself and my brother her home, but again, Id rather have my mum around, if she decided not to, I would have no issues with that. I wouldnt count on being left any sum of money by any family member. I only have my mum, brother and a few distant relatives left but I fully expect to be cut out of my fathers will as he left me when I was very young. And thats totally fine.

It is actually very sad to see family arguing about money that they only got because another family member died. And Im sorry that people do end up upset about wills and sorrier that people get left out of money that someone really wanted them to have.

I hope you can sort all of this out.

HPoirot

FBaby wrote: »

Something does feel right about this thread. Why would loving parents say they they can save for a baby and insist that money morally due should be spent on a wedding. It sounds to me like there is a big misunderstanding going on. Your husband might think he made his intentions clear but maybe he didn't. Maybe his parents don't really understand why you need ivf etc....

I would suggest meeting up with parents, you and him and maybe even with the sister and explain why it would mean so much to have this money put towards ivf. maybe the issue is the time frame, that you don't want to do it now so they maybe suspect you intends on using for the holiday you had initially planned? Could you go ahead with just one go of ivf now with this gift?

Nowhere near 'loving parents' at the moment, though, are they? it is perfectly conceivable, people have a lot going through their minds without others making sense of it. Maybe the husband's mother has aspirational thoughts where she would rather spend her father's money on marrying her daughter into a wealthy family than help her son have a family. Who knows? She might be alleviating her guilt over cutting her son off the money by insisting that part of it be used for his own ticket.

If I were the OP and her husband, I make one final attempt at saying that they are relying on their share of the money in order to have a much longed for baby. If the response is still the same, then they can all get stuffed, concentrate on your own lives.