Am I being selfish :(

Babywanted

paulineb wrote: »

Why dont you just ask for the money. You'll need to have the money sitting in your bank account no matter what you use it for.

We have tried but they refuse to give it to us and have told us that they will use it to pay for our tickets for the wedding.(which I can't attend and hubby now doesn't want to go)

kazwookie

Hi

Legally if the money was not in a Will, then 'strict instructions' count for nothing, sorry.

I hope ti gets sorted out.

Brighton_belle

What is your husbands view on all this: is he likely to be able to discuss this with his parents or is the dynamic between them too difficult?

Prothet_of_Doom

But are you being Selfish

Yes......but for a bloody good reason.

Dimey

Babywanted wrote: »

We have tried but they refuse to give it to us and have told us that they will use it to pay for our tickets for the wedding.(which I can't attend and hubby now doesn't want to go)

Give it up. Walk away.
The money is not your OH's.
OH's Mum can do whatever she wants with her money from her mother.

Find out whether your OH plans to spend his own money to attend his sister's wedding. If so that's his wishes. Then ask to save an equal amount towards your wishes - IVF. And move forward together without any expectation from the rest of the family.

I hope your husband doesn't accept the money from his mother to pay for him to go to the wedding. That would be a manipulation step too far and I hope he doesn't succumb.

Edit: This is exactly why people should make a will. I bet the grandparents never thought their daughter (mum) would not follow their "strict instructions" but that's people for you. If the grandparents had have made a will, the money would have been in the grandchildren's accounts by now.

Babywanted

claire16c wrote: »

Are you eligible for NHS fertility treatment? Although I know in many places you only get one round of IVF. Do you definitely need IVF or are you eligible for other drugs?

We aren't eligible as we don't live in the right area
Although we have been told there is no medical reason we can't conceive they have said iui or ivf would be helpful


Do his parents know you are struggling for children? Or are they naive to this and so just assuming youll be going to the wedding and need help with money?

Yes they know but their answer is just to tell us to save for the treatment

Prothet_of_Doom wrote: »

Explain how the money was LEFT in a will, but never actually made it to your husbands account ? and why ?

Is there any legal implications that the sister can drop you in it. Have you been claiming benefits which would have been reduced if you had savings? If that were the case and she threatens to do that, then that would be blackmail.
I assume that it's not the case (as this is MSE and we are all legal and above reproach..) then I think you both need to stand firm.

As others have NOT said, get the money, (Say you need it to book the flights and hotels) bank it, and write a letter to parents and sister, explaining that you'll be participating in the wedding via video link only, and more importantly WHY and What you intend to spend the money on.
You need to be very cagey. Get the money, back before you kick up a fuss.

No it wasn't an actual will, it was left by the dying man with instructions that it was for his grandchildren to do something special with, we have never claimed benefits so nothing dodgy going on it was just that we felt we may have wasted it if we had been given it so wanted to wait till we were ready to use it

19lottie82 wrote: »

Have you told them exactly what you want to keep the money for?

What is your husband saying about the situation, to you and to his parents?

Hubby feels the same as me, he wants to be a dad more than anything in this world and feels gutted

aileth

Even if they buy the tickets for you, don't attend the wedding, vote with your feet. The fact they've said they're going to buy the tickets for you regardless is incredibly manipulative.

I also certainly would not be sending any of them Christmas cards!

Feel really sorry for you, OP. What an awful family.

claire16c

Babywanted wrote: »

Yes they know but their answer is just to tell us to save for the treatment

Hubby feels the same as me, he wants to be a dad more than anything in this world and feels gutted

Not sure there's much you can do then.

Are these conversations done by text/phone etc?

Just wondering if your DH sat down face to face and explained this to them, it would come across better/best.

Also it might be worth showing them a spreadsheet of how much ivf costs - the initial investigations, drugs, the procedures, clinic fees etc. Perhaps they have no idea. Im not saying thats an excuse but maybe they are just really ignorant to whats involved and think you can save for it in a month or two or something.

19lottie82

Babywanted wrote: »

Hubby feels the same as me, he wants to be a dad more than anything in this world and feels gutted

Yes, but what has he actually said to his parents? Has he stood up to them about it?

Babywanted

Prothet_of_Doom wrote: »

But are you being Selfish

Yes......but for a bloody good reason.

This made me cry

Dimey wrote: »

Give it up. Walk away.
The money is not your OH's.
OH's Mum can do whatever she wants with her money from her mother.

Find out whether your OH plans to spend his own money to attend his sister's wedding. If so that's his wishes. Then ask to save an equal amount towards your wishes - IVF. And move forward together without any expectation from the rest of the family.

I hope your husband doesn't accept the money from his mother to pay for him to go to the wedding. That would be a manipulation step too far and I hope he doesn't succumb.

Edit: This is exactly why people should make a will. I bet the grandparents never thought their daughter (mum) would not follow their "strict instructions" but that's people for you. If the grandparents had have made a will, the money would have been in the grandchildren's accounts by now.

Yes sadly his mother was trusted and most people think they can trust their own children

No hubby would not spend his own money going there, every penny we have spare is going to our baby fund

Prothet_of_Doom wrote: »

Verbal will means NOTHING. It was never his and NEVER will be.

Take back what I said and go all guns with the emotional blackmail, how you are both desperate for kids and this money was your only hope. Can they not see how desperate you are, how could they be so cruel.

Whatever you do, do not attend the wedding.

Whatever, start planning a future without the money.

Thanks, I know I have no desire to talk to them again after all this and hubby feels really let down by them