Am I being selfish :(

paulineb_2

Im actually going to disagree on that point. Just because a family have money, doesnt mean that it should be taken for granted that they'll pay for other family members to come along, where does that stop? One person, ten people?

hawk30

lostinrates wrote: »

OP, my points are rhetorical . And before I start I want you to know I also have health problems which prevent me travelling and make me infertile. I wanted a baby very much.

My decision, made with my husband very early on, was not to persue any fertile treatment. I feel very strongly that because the nature of health is difficult I wanted to know that nothing wrong wit me could risk any unborn child or their decendants.. No one really knows with me how much is inheritable or not. I wish you every success with your IVF, but I also would ask if you have considered those implications on the future?

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I think the OP said she had unexplained infertility, so other than the infertility there is no health problem. I agree that people should think carefully about the implications of IVF and there is a higher rate of abnormalities with IVF, but they think that is because of people with diagnosable causes having successful treatment.

Sorry to hear about your situation.

claire16c

aileth wrote: »

Exactly what I thought. If sister is so bothered about your hubby coming and the family she is marrying into is so wealthy, why don't they pay for him rather than take inheritance off him? Bizarre!

Exactly its just odd.

I got married abroad and my sister paid to come.

My sister who now lives abroad is getting 'married' here but the official legal ceremony is abroad (because of dumb UK laws which make it easier to not get married here & spend your money elsewhere..)

This was all planned miles in advance and she asked would I want to come to the legal bit as its only the parents and her DFs brother going so she wanted us to come, and I said well I would, but at the time of planning Id just had a miscarriage and therefore knew that in 1 years time wed either be pregnant, have a baby, and if not wed probably be saving for fertility treatment. Anyway as soon as I said that she understood.

Had it not been for that reason, Im sure we would have gone. But she understands, even though she paid to go to my wedding, that having children is something you really can not put a price on. And if it had been the other way round I would have understood too.

paulineb_2

hawk30 wrote: »

I think the OP said she had unexplained infertility, so other than the infertility there is no health problem. I agree that people should think carefully about the implications of IVF and there is a higher rate of abnormalities with IVF, but they think that is because of people with diagnosable causes having successful treatment.

Sorry to hear about your situation.

She said she had health problems which meant she cant travel long distances, so wouldnt be at the wedding (the OP).

lostinrates

hawk30 wrote: »

I think the OP said she had unexplained infertility, so other than the infertility there is no health problem. I agree that people should think carefully about the implications of IVF and there is a higher rate of abnormalities with IVF, but they think that is because of people with diagnosable causes having successful treatment.

Sorry to hear about your situation.

No, she said she had a health problem that precludes travel too I think...which is why she cannot go? Did I mis read that? Its very possible.

No, just checked first post...she cannot travel for health reasons. I empathise, because I am the same. I am not allowed to travel now and in the years before when I could traveling for a week for a wedding long distance would have been ...exhausting, painful and frankly...not 'worth it' for anyone involved.

claire16c

paulineb wrote: »

Im actually going to disagree on that point. Just because a family have money, doesnt mean that it should be taken for granted that they'll pay for other family members to come along, where does that stop? One person, ten people?

I dont think it should be taken for granted, Im just thinking if the brother explained why he couldnt afford it and he had ivf to save for, she might offer to anyway.

I dont mean that the sister should have to pay for him.

hawk30

paulineb wrote: »

She said she had health problems which meant she cant travel long distances, so wouldnt be at the wedding (the OP).

Apologies, missed that bit.

Babywanted

paulineb wrote: »

Why didnt you just accept the money at the time it was offered? I know youve said that you didnt want it incase you used it for other things, but if youve always planned to use it for fertility treatment then why not take it sooner.

I actually think its quite natural for a sister to want a brother at their wedding and yes, some people have more money than others and might not understand that you need it for other things.

Is this issue really worth splitting an entire family for? Selfish or not, if I were in his sisters shoes, I might not be looking forward to my wedding if the entire family was at war. Also, surely theres room for discussion and negotiation. If you really cannot get to this wedding as you cant afford it, for goodness sake dont let them book flights and then not go, because the money is going to end up totally wasted.

You need to discuss this. And if the money wasnt left to you in a will you are going to have to rely on the goodwill of the parents to hand it over.

Which they are far less likely to do if you stop speaking to them altogether.

paulineb wrote: »

And I also think you might be well advised to see a copy of this relatives will so you can see exactly what was left.

Im not sure from the posts if no will was ever made or whether there was a last minute verbal addition that the relative wanted money left to the grandchildren.

No will was left but when he was still of sound mind he made his feelings very clear to all the family


We didn't want it sooner and still don't want it until we have saved a good chunk too so we can have a few tries if necessary

Hubby only sees his sister a couple of times a year even though she only lives ten miles away so he isn't too bothered about going to the wedding

Babywanted

lostinrates wrote: »

OP, my points are rhetorical . And before I start I want you to know I also have health problems which prevent me travelling and make me infertile. I wanted a baby very much.

My decision, made with my husband very early on, was not to persue any fertile treatment. I feel very strongly that because the nature of health is difficult I wanted to know that nothing wrong wit me could risk any unborn child or their decendants.. No one really knows with me how much is inheritable or not. I wish you every success with your IVF, but I also would ask if you have considered those implications on the future?

On the sister holiday issue, I think sometimes one needs to be a little 'selfish' to define family boundaries. If its your husband not going to the wedding for you two then so be it. In my case my husband has attended family weddings alone, because its our belief, having made a stand to establish our boundaries woth ourvfamilies early in our relationship, that family is important. At one point I might not be here with my oh, or, were we to have a miracle, a child benefits in a ( normally dysfunctional;)) extended family. If its not really your oh's money as it now seems than I'd ask myself if this is symptomatic of a boundary and control issue that is more troublesome generally or if this really is a desire to have family unity.

The 'will ' having been used in this confuses things. If it was to be gifted it should have been done so at the time. Learn and move on from that aspect, treat any money arising as a bonus not a right of your partner's. try not to make decisions when feeling vulnerable like now, because it inclines one to making the least optimistic interpretation.

Best wishes for your health OP.

Thanks and I'm sorry to hear about your problems, it's truly heartbreaking when people have problems having children

I will clear one thing up though the only health problems I have are as a result of an accident so nothing that could be inherited and are being treated and getting better all the time

Mojisola

Babywanted wrote: »

No will was left but when he was still of sound mind he made his feelings very clear to all the family

In that case, legally, the money is not your OH's. It belongs to his parents and they can do what they want with it.